Evil Rivals

"Death!" Satan yelled at the top of his lungs, storming up the spiral cobblestone staircase. Soot coated the hot steps and grey ash filled the crevices.

He got to the top of the keep that overlooked the fiery hellscape of...well...Hell. Death stood in his normal business attire, a midnight black cloak, gazing over the tortured souls in the lake of fire. Their screams moved like a breeze, whispering their pain to anyone that would hear it.

"What up, Lucy?" Death said, still entranced by the horrific scene below.

"Don't you give me that Lucy shit! I know what you did."

Death turned to Satan. "Whatever do you mean?"

"You took that soul before his time. I have been planning his soul's demise for years!"

"How was I supposed to know your plans? You sure took your sweet time with Hal?"

"I thought I had more time with him."

"Life is a funny thing. You never know how much time you got,” Death said, tapping his scythe on the floor.

"Fuck you, Death. You aren't supposed to take sides."

Death cocked his head. "I'm not." 

Satan took a step back and his eyes got big. "You're still mad my demon killed that family of yoga instructors last year."

"Those were mine and you knew it!"

"Ah ha! So this is payback," Satan said, pointing at him.

"All I did was do my job. Your man went out of his way to take my job.”

"What are you complaining about? Not being able to kill?"

"I don't kill. I harvest souls."

"What's the difference?" Satan said with a shrug.

"God sees the difference. Runs his show much better than you do.”

Satan's eyes burned red with rage. "Don't you dare bring him up down here!"

"Or what? You're going to kill me?" Death said,

"I know about Linda. You have been keeping her alive on purpose after all these years. Maybe my demon loses his way on Earth…stumbles into her."

"You want to play with fire? I'm game. I will walk up there right now and take out that entire congregation in Alabama. God knows they are ripe for your picking in a few weeks. Can't shake a stick without hitting a relative."

"You wouldn't," Satan said, trying to glare through him. 

"Oh, I would. God and I have been on pretty good terms. Maybe I can help him out some more…" Death said, looking Satan up and down. "Not like he needs it."

"Alright, that's it!" Satan said before leaping on top of him. Death blocked Satan's hands with his scythe and fell on his back. 

Satan tried to tear the scythe from Death's hands, but boy was he strong. Satan tried whipping Death with his forked tail, but Death was quicker, batting it away with the blade. That motion caused Death to roll on top of Satan, pinning the tail underneath their collective weight.

"Get off me!" Satan said. 

"Not until you promise to stop killing my souls!"

"I promise. Okay!" Satan said, straining from the pain of his own tail stabbing him in the back.

Death got up and gave Satan some space. Satan brushed the soot off himself and pulled his tail out of his back. They both were silent, letting the whispers of torture and pain float into the room. Satan glared at Death, getting more frustrated by the second that he couldn't see his eyes under that blasted cloak of his.

"So...we have an understanding?" Death asked.

"We do."

"How do I know you will keep your word? Lying is kind of your specialty."

Satan took a deep breath. "We want the same things. Would be bad business to screw my partner, seeing as I'm stuck with you for eternity."

"We aren't partners."

"Fine. Associates."

"Barely."

"In any case, I promise to not kill people if you promise to stick to your timelines."

"What if I need to change them?"

"You have to give me notice."

"I won't be able to just give you notice," Death said.

"Give me notice first. And no more of that surprise bullshit."

"I should be able to do that…assuming Linda is not touched.”

"We have a deal." Satan held out his hand.

Death bursted into a cloud of grey smoke and was gone. Satan wafted the smoke away and a devious smile grew on his face.

"Oh Death, you stupid schmuck. She is almost 200 years old. Her brain at this point isn't what it used to be. Be a shame if she thought back to her times as a free diver and tried to take the plunge one last time. Who knows, the bag of brittle bones might live?”

He let out a villainous laugh that roared across the sea of fire, blocking out the wails below. This was going to be his best payback yet. Cheating Death without breaking his promise. After all, he was just encouraging her to relive her youth. What's so bad about that?