Santa Claus in April

“Honey, get the bat,” Eve whispered, shaking her husband awake in their bed.

“Huh, what’s going on.” Jake rubbed his eyes.

“There is someone downstairs.”

Jake threw the blanket off and rolled out of bed. He grabbed the Louisville Slugger that was leaning against the window sill and left the room. Jake peeked downstairs to see a red butt sticking out his fireplace, legs trying to push his fat body up. Jake ran down the stairs and wound up. With a golf swing, he smashed the stuck man right in-between the legs.

“Ho. Ho. Oh,” the stuck man groaned and slid out of the fireplace. He held his groin and rolled around in pain. The man was dressed like Santa Claus, except his white beard was black from the soot in the chimney.

“If you don't want to get hit again, I suggest you start talking,” Jake said.

“Jake, please. Don’t hit me again!”

“How do you know my name?”

“I’m Santa Claus. I know everyone.”

“Sure you are. And I’m the Easter Bunny,” Jake said, winding up again.

“No Jake! I gave you a red bike on your tenth birthday. Schwinn with little black tassels on the handlebars.”

Jake lowered his bat a little. “How did you know that?”

“I’m Santa Claus. How many times do I have to say it?”

Jake stood there, with his bat still at the ready.

“What’s going on down there?” Eve called from the bedroom.

“This guy claims to be Santa Claus.”

Fast footsteps came rushing from the room. Eve turned on the lights and looked downstairs. Santa Claus was on the ground still holding his groin.

“Uncle Greg!” Eve said and flew down the stairs.

“Uncle Greg?” Jake said to himself.

Eve jumped on Santa Claus and gave him a big hug. Her blue bunny pajamas clashed with his red suit. Jake lowered his bat and scratched his head.

“Um...Eve. Who is Greg?” Jake asked.

“Oh my gosh. I can’t believe I forgot to tell you. Uncle Greg is Santa Claus,” she said.

“I didn’t know you and Jake were together,” Santa Claus said to Eve.

“If you would come to our family get-togethers you would have known. Don’t you get mail at the North Pole?” Eve said.

“Yes, but it is really only relevant to kids. Names, naughty and nice lists, work stuff. I’m going to have to have a chat with my head elf about my missing mail again.”

“Why are you here now? It’s the middle of April.”

“I was looking to find a place to crash for the next few months.”

“Why? What happened?”

“There was a fire at my place and the elves won’t let me stay in the production facility. I tried to reach out to my wife, but we are not on speaking terms right now.”

Eve crossed her arms. “What happened?”

“It was an honest mistake. I thought I was home. There was snow everywhere when I came flying in.”

“What did you do?”

“The lights were out and the door was unlocked. I walked in and went up the stairs to go to bed. Once I crawled under the covers it went from sleepy time to sexy time. I didn’t know she wasn’t my wife until she said something.”

“You didn’t notice it was a different house?”

“All houses seem the same to me after awhile. And your aunt hasn’t touched me in so long I forgot what she felt like.”

“You expect me to believe that?”

“I believe it,” Jake said.

“Don’t you go defending him!” Eve said to Jake.

“Eve, give your uncle a break. He is Santa Claus.”

“More like Pervy Claus.”

“I’m sorry I came. I’ll just be going now,” Santa Claus said, sitting up.

“No, you're not. You are welcome to stay here while your house is being repaired,” Jake said.

Eve’s eyes got so big they almost jumped out of her skull. “Jake–”

“Can you excuse us for a minute?” Jake said to Santa Claus, cutting Eve off and pulling her aside.

“He is not staying here,” Eve whispered furiously.

“He is family.”

“But he cheated on Aunt Margaret.”

“And he is still paying for that mistake. Besides, his story sounds plausible.”

“So you just want me to forgive him? Forget he cheated on my aunt?”

“Yeah. Sure it's not ‘tis the season’, but your uncle is reaching out for help. How would you feel if you needed help and your own family wouldn’t help you out?”

Eve glared at Jake, her arms tense at her side and hands balled into a fist that could crush tin cans. It lasted a few seconds before she let go of her anger.

“Fine. I’ll try. But don’t expect me to forget about what he did.”

Jake kissed her on the forehead. “That’s the wonderful gal I know.”

She smiled, taking comfort in the fact that her husband was nothing like the cheater that was standing in her living room. They both turned back to Santa Claus to give him their verdict.

“Alright you can stay. But you will have to sleep on the couch,” Eve said.

“Thank you! Thank you! I promise to get your kids extra nice gifts.”

“We don’t have any kids,” Jake said.

“Not yet,” Santa Claus said, winking at Eve.

Jake turned to Eve. “What is he talking about?”

“I didn’t want to tell you unless I was sure. And I forgot my uncle here always had a knack for telling when a woman was pregnant.”

“So you're pregnant?” Jake said, smiling ear to ear.

“I guess so.”

Jake and Eve embraced each other. Santa Claus stood there unsure what he was supposed to do. Jake put his head to hers.

“This is so exciting! Having a kid of our own,” Jake said.

“Six,” Santa Claus corrected.

Jake and Eve looked at him. “Six?”

“Yeah. I felt six in there. Ultrasound won’t pick that up at this stage, but I assure you there will be six,” Santa Claus said.

“Your uncle doesn’t happen to be wrong from time to time?” Jake asked Eve.

“I have never seen him wrong before,” Eve said.

“Then we’re gonna to need a bigger house.”