FORE!

"Have at me, you one eyed ass sniffer!" Jessie said from the mast of a pirate ship on hole nine of Barnacle Bill's Mini Putt Putt. He waved his club at the raging menace below him, who was dressed like a poor man's Jack Sparrow.

"Why don't you come down here instead of running like a coward!" the villain said in a Scottish accent and drew a rusty rapier that sizzled when exposed to the open air. 

Jessie looked around, making sure the rest of the people were gone. His next pass was to the horizon, praying an actual hero would come to bail him out… again. It had become sort of a regular occurrence at this point. He had a knack for being in the wrong place at the right time. For the last month, he had been getting into situations reserved for real heroes: Evil geniuses attacking comic cons, modified humans robbing banks, a dominatrix hunting single men to kill and other crazy situations. His mind wandered back to the fond memories of the dominatrix from last week. Sure, she tried to kill him, but the way Natasha looked at him when she was being hauled off made him think there was a chance for them. A stupid grin grew on his face before he was brought back to reality from a dagger flying past his head. 

"The next one goes through your head!" the villain yelled.

"Fine, I'll come down. Geez." Jessie grabbed a hold of the rope and kicked off the mast, swinging down, feet first into the villain. The villain fell back on the cushy green course, narrowly missing a paver brick. "Don't get up, or I'll vaporize you with my mind."

The villain clambered to his feet. "You can fool everyone else laddy, but you can't fool me. I know you're not a superhero."

"Denial is an ugly thing, but if it makes you feel better when you are resting in a cell tonight, who am I to deny you such a delusion." Jessie raised his club, ready for a sword fight. 

The villain grunted and took a stab at him. Jessie parried the strike and followed up with a proper lunge of his own. All it did was push him back a little bit, despite his impeccable form and follow through. The villain took a step back and laughed at his ineffective attack.

"What was that?"

A clean parry riposte. Still got to work on my distance I guess. "Me playing with you. Don't make me reveal my secret power."

"The only power I see is you being annoying." The villain swung at him and Jessie barely blocked it. This time, however, the golf club split in half, leaving Jessie with a mangled shaft and a blue handle. The villain pressed the attack, keeping the blade near Jessie's neck. Jessie backpedaled until he was stopped by the mast at his back.

Jessie let out a groan from the surprise of the sudden stop. "Okay, fine I'll let you go, but just this once."

The villain grinned, showing off his gold teeth, which were spaced every other one. "Admit you're not a superhero and I'll spare your life."

"But I am one. I have powers and everything–ow." Jessie said, catching a flake of rust that spit off from the sword like it was a grease fire. 

"I gave you a chance. At least I can tell my therapist I tried to be merciful."

The villain went for the kill, but Jessie was faster, knocking the villain's blade off target with what was left of his club. Jessie went forward and headbutted him.

"I told you I have superpowers."

"What… might… that… be?" the villain asked with each swing of his blade, missing the mark every time he tried to hit his agile opponent.

Jessie jumped back from the villain's last swing. "Impeccable timing."

"Fore!" someone else yelled from the boardwalk and a golf ball came whizzing by, colliding with the villain's neck. 

The villain held his neck and stumbled into the wall of the ship. His eyes turned to the direction from which the golf ball came in.

Walking onto the ship was a young man with wavy blonde hair, blue eyes, and a classic summer golf attire. His white polo was pristine, albeit partially hidden by the large contraption in his arms. It was basically a drum-fed potato launcher covered in stickers from all the major golf brands. The young man adjusted his grip, showing off the heft of the device. 

"You shoot me with that again, I'll shove my–" 

Those were the villain's last words before getting pummeled with a torrent of golf balls. The first burst hit him center mass. His ribs cracked louder than the thuds of the brightly colored balls made against his clothes. He tried to inhale and tensed his body in pain from the bones likely sticking into his lungs. The next volley was even more effective. 

Going fully automatic, the golf balls pummeled his head, bashing his teeth back into his mouth and cracking his skull. The young man with the golf ball slinger walked closer, focused on keeping up the head shots. The golf balls bounced off the villain's head until it didn't, lodging one in each eye socket and who knows how many down his throat. Jessie watched in absolute shock as this random guy caved in the villain's face. Golf balls rolled around the green and a few even went in the hole near Jessie's feet.

When the gun went click without another ball being sent into the mushed skull of the villain, the young man turned to Jessie, whose mouth was agape. "Don't worry, citizen. It looks worse than it is. He's still alive." The villain slumped over and his head mushed against his own shoulder, showing little proof the structure of his skull was even intact. "Hmmm… maybe not."

"You killed him," Jessie said, still comprehending the assault. 

"He had a sword. It was self defense. You're just in shock."

"But you killed him. Heroes don't kill villains."

"No, heroes don't kill citizens. Big difference," the young man said and extended his hand in greeting. "The name is Halvastair Malinski. You may also know me as The Guardian of The Ninth."

Jessie had heard of him. He was the protector of all things fairways and greens. If there was an unruly patron or a sinister villain wishing harm upon the great game of golf or its goofy little brother, he was there to deliver swift justice. Jessie glanced down at Halvastair's legs, which were made of titanium golf club shafts. Jessie had heard the rumors that Halvastair's legs were putters and the khaki shorts put those rumors to rest in his mind. Jessie shook his hand, but found it hard to focus on anything but the mushed body on the boat. 

"What are you going to do with him?"

Halvastair shrugged. "Toss him to the gators. Nobody who disturbs the sanctity of golf deserves a funeral anyways."

Since when did we have gators? "Well… I'll leave you to it then." Jessie said and slowly backed away toward the exit.

"Wait. Aren't you going to help me?"

"Um… no?" 

"Oh, come on. It will be fun."

Feeding humans to gators isn't fun. "Naw, I have to get to work…"

"I'll get you a signed putter from the clubhouse?"

Jessie paused. His niece always wanted a signature from a hero. Who better than a golf legend and a memento to boot? "Alright, I guess I can be a little late."

"That's the spirit! You grab his legs. I'll get the keys to the gator gate."

And with that, the rest of the afternoon was spent feeding the nameless villain to the hungry gators in a deep pit below the clubhouse. Jessie got to see a side to the mini putt putt course he never imagined existed. If he was honest with himself, he enjoyed it. It made him feel like a part of something special, not to mention Halvastair hooked him up with two signed putters after hearing about Jessie's niece. All in all, it pays to be the hero… or at least wait for one.

***