Jaster’s Return
"Come in," Jaster said, his eyes still stuck in his Super Villain Quarterly magazine.
A small, hunched over man came limping in with a crutch under his arm. His hair was dirty, face bruised and puffy. His clothes were drenched and smelt like urine that had been sitting in the toilet all day in the middle of summer.
Jaster scrunched his face upon smelling the foul odor that walked through his door. He looked up from his magazine and then slammed it on his desk.
"What happened to you?"
"The heroes, sir. They attacked me."
"At the warehouse?"
"No sir. The bar."
"Why were you at the bar?"
"I got done loading the last of the crocodiles for the moat and thought I would celebrate with a beer. I went to the one on Elm Street a few blocks away. Anyways, I was enjoying my beer when two caped heroes grabbed me from the bar. They took me out in the alley and just started beating me."
"Why?"
"They kept asking me about Operation Sceptre. I had no idea what they were talking about, but they...didn't believe me. They just kept hitting me...and hitting me," he said, breaking down into tears.
"Did you get a good look at either hero? Any distinguishing marks?"
The minion wiped his tears on his sleeve. "They were both wearing green capes and masks. One had a…" He cringing, unable to finish his sentence.
Jaster leaned in closer. "Had a what? Continue."
"Had...a black heart tattooed on his penis."
"How do you know that?"
"Cause I saw it just before he peed on me."
Jaster slammed his hand on top of his desk phone and smashed in the buttons. The dial tone was audible enough for both of them to hear.
"I will handle this," Jaster said to the minion before putting the phone to his ear.
"Hello, this is Hero's Inc. We put the H in…" the secretary said.
"Save it! I need to talk to Franz right now! This is Jaster."
"Oh. One moment while I transfer you."
The sound of angels strumming on harps came over the phone speaker. The phone creaked as Jaster's grip tightened. The song changed quickly back to a dial tone, almost like it could hear the phone's cries for help under his grip.
"Jaster?" Franz's voice quivered.
"Franz. I heard two of your trainees ran into my minion yesterday. Give me their names."
"Jaster, you know I can't do that."
"You give me those names or I will find them out myself! Your call."
"Don't! Please! I'm sure whatever happened was well within our training…"
"Your training includes torturing my people and pissing on their broken bodies!"
"Fighting bad guys is our job. I'm sure your minion is lying to you."
"Then why does he reek of piss in my office? And his face looks more like a burnt marshmallow. No, your boys broke the treaty. Consider me back. You've done this to yourself, Franz."
"No! Wait!"
Jaster slammed the phone back on the receiver. His eyes had a spark in them and his heart beat so hard it could jump out of his chest at any moment. Jaster got up and walked toward his minion with a sinister smile. His minion stumbled back into the wall.
"Don't worry. I'll make them pay."
***
Jaster stood across the street looking up at Hero's Inc. It towered over the city, the glass glimmering in the sun. Cars came to a stop at the red light below, silent all but for the tires crushing the little pieces of loose asphalt. Jaster adjusted his striped red tie before walking across the street. Each step closer to the building his anger bubbled more inside. The glass doors opened for him and the secretary was waiting behind a brown desk in an otherwise large empty lobby. Her radiant smile and flowing blonde hair did not distract him from his goal.
"Can I help you sir?"
He continued walking toward the elevator in the back, ignoring her question.
"Excuse me, sir, you can't go back there without an appointment," she said, starting to make her way around the desk.
Jaster pointed at her without looking at her. "You stay put or I will turn that smile upside down! Franz is expecting me."
She went back to her desk and picked up the phone. She dialed for Franz and he answered right away.
"Someone is coming up to your office."
"I was just about to leave. Who is it?"
"I don't know, but he looks mad. Is everything okay?"
The line went silent, except for the faint sound of footsteps running away.
"Hello?" she asked one more time. Again no response.
Jaster was already in the elevator. Quiet music played from the speaker above. The number above the door frame kept going up. 45. 46. 47. The doors opened to Franz standing in front of him, breathing heavy.
"Jaster...what a pleasant...surprise," Franz said trying to still catch his breath.
"Where's that black hearted dick?"
Franz put his hands out. "Woah there Jaster. Say, let me get something for you? We sit down and talk this out. You like tea?"
Jaster punched him in the gut. Franz doubled over, throwing up his tuna salad on the clean floor.
"You can't stop this. Where is he? Or do you want something coming out both ends?"
"Two doors down in the conference…" Franz said before he heaved again. "In the conference room. Please don't kill him. He is just a trainee."
"See. That wasn't so hard."
Jaster walked past the mess he made in the hall and to the conference room. He kicked in the wood door to find two heroes sitting in red office seats with their feet up on the conference table and a large glass window behind them. The only major difference between the two was one had short blonde hair, while the other had long black hair. Jaster felt the blood pumping through his veins, bulging under his sleek jacket.
"Which one of you is Dick Heart?"
They both laughed. "What?" They both said in unison.
"Did I stutter? Which one of you pissed on my minion?"
"I think he is talking about the guy at the bar?" the blonde hero said to the other one.
"Who wants to know?" the black haired hero said.
Jaster stepped toward them. "I don't see anyone else standing in front of you."
The two got to their feet, their capes flowed behind them. The black haired hero grabbed a bow seemingly out of nowhere. He put an arrow in his bow and aimed at Jaster. The bow creaked when he pulled the bowstring back.
"Don't move."
Jaster smiled. "Your mistake."
Jaster charged the bowman. The arrow's breeze brushed Jaster's cheek, missing by mere inches. The other hero kicked at Jaster to protect his partner. Jaster spun away from the kick and got his hand on the bow. In one motion, Jaster ripped it from the hero's grip and sliced four of the hero's finger's clean off with the bowstring. The hero cried out in pain grabbing his hand like that was somehow going to reattach his fingers or ease his pain. He fell back onto the table, his screams of panic consumed all his concentration.
Jaster turned to the other hero. "So, are you Dick Heart?" He threw the bow in the corner of the room, unafraid of being unarmed.
The hero threw a punch, his red glove came at Jaster like a rocket. But it was not fast enough. Jaster deflected the punch with the outside of his wrist. With the other hand, Jaster grabbed the hero by the roof of his mouth. Jaster hooked his hand behind the hero's front teeth and ripped the front six out with ease.
Jaster looked at the teeth in his palm, all white with almost no blood. "Good news, none of these have any cavities.”
He tossed them against the window and crouched down next to the hero. Blood poured out of the hero's mouth and stained his green suit.
"Your dentist will want you on soft foods for awhile. So I brought you this.” Jaster reached into his pocket and revealed a plastic bag with a thin pinecone shaped poo in it. He dangled it in front of the hero, the smell still trapped in it's container. "You pissed on my guy, so you are going to eat shit. Literally."
The hero moaned, closed his eyes, and shook his head.
Jaster shook the bag like he was calling a dog for treats. "Don't make me feed it to you?"
The hero whimpered and took the bag, moving the plastic aside to reveal the tip. It smelt like expired burrito that was dipped in urine. The hero cringed at the smell, but bravely slid the whole thing down his mouth.
"That's a good boy," Jaster said, patting the hero's head. Jaster stood back up and drove his heel into the hero's crouch. The hero's eyes were wide open and he groaned in pain. "If either of you do anything like that to my minions again, consider yourselves retired."
Jaster calmly walked to the door and closed it behind him. He made his way back to the elevator, with Franz still doubled over, nose almost touching his pile of vomit.
"I talked to your boys and I think they know their place now," Jaster said, walking over him.
"Oh good. Does this mean you're not coming back to the field?”
Jaster stepped into the elevator and clicked a button. The doors started to close.
"We'll see."
***