Curiosity Killed the Crown

Sitting high on the throne of ravaged bones was a single orange cat. She looked down at the marble stairs to find two humans kneeling before her. You might be thinking at this point, this was no ordinary cat. You would be right. With charcoal black whiskers, emerald eyes, and a body rivaling the stature of a large dog, this cat demanded attention. Donning a blue cape and a gold crown, the cat spoke with a voice disproportionate to her size, yet all too familiar to our two humans.

"Meow meow meow meow."

"Please forgive us. It was an accident, Your Excellence," one of the humans who was dressed in a blue shawl said.

"Meow meow meow."

"We would like to make amends. What can we do?"

"Meow meow meow meow….meow."

"You can't be serious? Surely there is something else?"

The other human looked over to his colleague and said what you have to be thinking at this point.

"What the hell is this cat saying, Tim?"

The cat hissed. Tim put his hand on the other man's shoulder. "Jack, let me handle this. You aren't making it any easier."

"I could help if I understood what you two were going on about," Jack said.

"Meow meow?"

"No. Please forgive my friend's ignorance. He is not used to such formal meetings," Tim said.

"Meow meow meow meow."

"I understand. Surely there is something else we can do to make amends?"

The cat purred and winked at Tim. "Meow meow...meow?"

Jack looked back between the two. He didn't know shit-all about their alien cat language, but he understood body language just fine. Jack leaned over to Tim and kept his voice down this time.

"Did the cat queen just ask you for sex in exchange for forgiveness?"

"It's more nuanced than–"

"Do it," Jack interpreted.

"What?"

"Hey, if that's all it takes to stop an intergalactic war. I say do it."

"But I have a family. What would they think?"

"That you're a god-damned patriot of earth."

"I can't betray my wife."

"If we can't negotiate peace with this furball, there ain't going to be a wife to go back to."

Tim looked back at the cat who was licking her fur and giving him "the eye." His eyelids shut tight while he thought about his options. If he accepted, that would have been the end of it. The incident with Curiosity killing all those cats would be over. If he didn't, he would have to write a check his ass couldn't cash. Ruler of Earth would never be accepted, nor would giving cats citizenship, leaving war as the only outcome.

He thought about his wife. She would never be able to look at him. Not after this at least. Cheating on her with a cat. What other choice did he have? Humanity could be wiped out. And for what? Because he didn't want to pleasure a kitten. Who knows, maybe these alien cats consider petting and chin scratches sex? He shook his head, coming to the only logical decision.

"I accept your offer in exchange that you forgive our transgressions and not go to war against my people."

The cat stood up on her hind legs and extended her paw. "Meow."

Tim glanced over to Jack before going up the marble stairs to join the cat. Jack watched Tim go up to the throne and the cat licked his cheek. Tim did his best not to show his discomfort from her grippy tongue. Jack stood up and saluted him.

"You are a patriot! You enjoy that pussy, because it's the last one you're going to get," Jack shouted up to him with a smile. 

Tim let out a sigh as he was pulled down by the strong cat. He laid in her lap, reduced to the status of a pet as she patted his bald head. Jack was escorted by two other felines out of the hallow chambers. The heavy wood doors slammed shut and the cat purred next to her new muse. 

"Who is a good human?" the cat said in perfect English.

Tim recoiled. "You speak English?”

"That's not all I can do," she whispered in a husky voice. "And don't worry about your wife. She is okay with this."

"What? How can you say that?"

"I spoke with Nancy before you arrived. She gave me her full blessing. That being said, you might want to consider staying with me."

"Why?" Tim asked, even though he had way more questions.

"Well, unless she was on the ship with you last week, someone was showing her a good time."

Tim gritted his teeth. "Barry."

"So what do we say we take this somewhere more private?" 

"Sure, but I do have one way you can have revenge on my people."

"Do tell."

"Kill Barry. Blame him for the Curiosity crash and it will show that your species is capable of enacting swift yet merciful justice. People back on Earth won't whine about some scumbag dying, seeing as all humanity was at risk earlier."

"Smart and sexy. I think we are going to get along just fine."

Tim sprung up from her lap. "Lead the way, My Queen."

The cat got up and took him by the hand, leading him down the steps, toward the giant doors Jack was led out of. Her tail wagged behind them both, excited for her new partnership. You might be thinking that is pretty messed up. I agree, but hey, Barry probably deserved it.