Dating is tough

The stars stood suspended in disbelief as I floated in the cold void of space. What they were staring at, I wasn't quite sure. It could have been little ol' me swimming in the ocean of darkness...or the giant planet I once called Earth cracked open like a coconut. Not like it mattered. Stars weren't sentient and the damage was done. The entirety of human civilization was destroyed all because of me. I am Timothy Worthington and this is my story.

It all began five months ago. I had been struggling in the dating scene for quite awhile. In my teens I chalked it down to being an awkward kid or busy with getting good grades. On the plus side, I saved more money for college. Then college came around and it was overwhelming. Balancing classes, two part time jobs, and soccer practice took a toll on my free time. Not that I didn't give it the old college try, but my flirting skills were less than to be desired.

All my attempts either ended in straight up rejections, friendly yet short conversations with strangers I never saw again, or becoming friends with women who were already married or happily dating someone. I didn't let that keep me down. I figured I could focus on my career, get a good job and a house of my own. That may have been a mistake. 

The longer I waited, the more isolated I found myself. Work took up most of my time and by the weekend all I wanted to do was rest. Before I knew it, I was twenty nine years old and still had never even been on a date. I had asked a few women out at work, but...well I should have figured I knew the answer. That left me with my only real option. Online dating.

I was optimistic at first. I had a few good pictures, listed some of my more oddball hobbies (badminton and sandal making), and had a peppy bio written. Hello ladies, here I am. I liked most of the women I encountered and tried to drum up some fun conversation, but it was harder in the virtual world than in real life. Most conversations never got a reply and those that did, didn't last long before they too faded into obscurity.

After literally thousands of attempts and several months on different sites, it was starting to look hopeless. Until I met Milly. Her profile was a strange one for sure. Just one picture of herself in what I thought was an elaborate cosplay. The rest were really detailed pictures of several planets in our solar system. Each one captioned with what would go best with them, like she was going to eat them or something. 

I thought it was adorable and gave her some suggestions that were equally outlandish. For instance, using spinach as a garnish for Mars. She really got a kick out of that one. Before I knew it, we were chatting everyday. Talking about space and planets we wanted to go to. It was great talking to a woman who had the same interests, but I was concerned I was being catfished. I heard about it happening and given my track record and her terrible profile, I needed to make sure.

We were having a rousing chat about the delectableness of Jupiter, when I went out on a limb and asked her out on a date for Saturday. She texted me back almost instantly, even recommended that we play badminton. I was ecstatic, but also nervous. I had no real idea of what to expect.

Saturday came and I waited for her by the court with my racket in one hand and a bouquet of flowers in the other. I even added a little biscuit that I colored to look like Mars. The texture wasn't quite right, but I thought she would appreciate the gesture. When I saw her, I was surprised. She looked...exactly like her profile picture.

Her skin was greenish yellow with long dark corded hair that stood on end. The rest of her body looked like a petite woman in a basic white shirt, but her arms were abnormal to say the least. Her elbows were below her tiny waistline. And her hands were...well she had eight fingers...on each hand that wiggled around like worms. I was taken aback by her alien look, but at least I knew it was her.

"Milly? I didn't expect you to look exactly like your profile picture."

"Thanks! I figured you wouldn't recognize me if I didn't doll myself up a little," she said brushing her hair. 

We both laughed. I thought it was cute that she wore a costume. Wow, was I an idiot. 

"You got me flowers!" she said.

"Yeah, I didn't know what you liked, so I got you all of them."

She snatched them from my hand and breathed in deep. I watched her eyes close as she took in the various scents. Then her eyes spotted the real gift within the bouquet. 

"Is this supposed to be Mars?" she smirked. 

"Yeah. I didn't have any spinach though."

"That's alright, I'm sure it tastes as good as the real thing,'' she said, taking a bite from it. 

"Well? Does it hold up to the hype?"

She covered her mouth, her fingers wiggling all over her face. "It is much crumblier than Mars." 

"I bet." I laughed.

We didn't waste much time and got into the game. I taught her how to play badminton and she was a quick learner. I was going to let her win, but she beat me all on her own. She was really short for the game, yet somehow she would always hit it in such a way I couldn't return it. It would have been frustrating if not for her giggles after every score. I couldn't stay mad at that.

Afterwards I planned a little dinner at my place. I was nervous about inviting her over. I didn't want her to think I had other plans for the evening, but I knew she did not like going out to restaurants. When I brought it up, she was actually excited. She wanted to change after our sweaty game, so I gave her my address and she met me at my place by nightfall.

I wasn't a chef by any means and it showed in our meal. Spaghetti and meatballs. I did add a candle light on the table to set the mood. She looked beautiful, yet still alien sitting across from me. Red sauce over her lips, unafraid to get a little sloppy.

"How were the meatballs?"

"Almost as good as Mars," she said smiling.

I laughed. "I wonder, if you could eat Mars, how would you do it?"

"I would use a fork of course," Milly said, taking another bite from the meatball on her plate. "I have a question, what do you think Earth tastes like?"

"I imagine it would taste like a five layer cake, filled with chocolate and caramel. Topped with whipped cream and cherry on top.”

"So the moon is the cherry?" Milly asked, leaning closer to me.

"I guess. Then the question is, do you eat the cherry first or last?

"First. Otherwise it's just floating out there with nowhere to go. Might even get in the way."

"You are so strange, you know that?" I said with a smile. 

She blushed. "Intergalactic Foodies are strange aren't they?"

"They are, but I wouldn't have you any other way."

Milly looked me straight in the eyes. They were golden and she spoke to me as if we were both telepathic. I could hear. No. Feel what she was saying. That I was the only one for her. And I answered back in kind. Needless to say, it wasn't long and the spaghetti was all over my kitchen floor. I don't kiss and tell but let's just say my table made a great bed in a pinch.

After that night, we met each other everyday after my work was done. We would go for walks, play badminton, and I even showed her how to make sandals. Made her a pair with little stars in them. At the time I never noticed that everyday she wore the same makeup. That was when things should have clicked. But I was dumb and in love.

Eventually though, everything made sense. All at once unfortunately. I was leaving work for the day when Milly was waiting for me in the parking lot. She was dressed in a one piece black swimsuit, a swimmer's hat that kept her hair controlled, and the sandals I made her. Strange attire for a parking lot, but she was strange in general. 

"Milly, what are you doing here?"

"Tim. Timothy. We need to talk."

I only heard that line in movies. And it was never good. I kept my composure though. "About what?"

"I ate the moon."

"Ha ha. Nice one. Really what's up?"

"Whew. I'm so glad you feel that way. Then I guess my next question is more of a request."

"Okay?"

"I would like you to meet my family."

"Oh, of course. I would love to meet your family! When were you thinking?"

"Like now."

"Now?"

"Yes."

"Don't they live far away? Because I do have work in the morning."

"Oh don't worry. I will just teleport us there."

"Beam me up, Scotty," I said, trying my best impression. "For real though–"

Before I knew it she hugged me and the world around me disappeared. I passed out or at least I think I passed out. When I came to, she was still holding me and I was in an all white room. Four grey chairs and an oval table floated in the middle of the room. It was hard for me to fathom what I was witnessing. I turned around and there was a lone window. Outside was Earth. Or at least what was left of it. It was split into and shattered further into smaller chunks. 

"This is a dream," I said, trying to wipe my eyes. 

"This isn't a dream Tim. We are in space."

I smacked myself a few times and kept staring out the window. "I should be waking up now."

"Tim. You're not in a dream. I brought you here to have dinner with my parents."

"Dinner? Your parents? Look outside Milly. Earth has been destroyed!"

"I know. What better way to introduce you to my parents than to serve your home planet. They will be honored."

"Honored? Serve my home?"

"Yes. I…" she started but I tuned her out. At that moment I realized. The strange proportions, all the talk about eating planets. It was right in front of me the entire time. She was an alien. A world destroying alien. The realization had me frozen in thought, ignoring whatever she was saying until she placed her hand on my shoulder.

"Tim, it's going to be alright," she said.

I swiped her hand away from me. "Alright? How is this going to be alright?"

"You can live with me."

"What about food?"

"Aren't you going to eat with us?"

"I can't eat a planet Milly!"

"I...know...that…" she said, trailing off. 

"You didn't know that did you?"

"How was I supposed to know humans don't eat planets?"

"Because there are eight other ones in our solar system!"

"Please don't yell at me Tim."

"I think I am more than justified to yell at you. You destroyed my planet!"

"I didn't destroy it. I prepared it for our feast. I thought you were curious what it would taste like."

"I'm curious what muskrat would taste like. That doesn't mean I am going to eat it!"

"Tim, please stop this."

"Stop what?"

"This," she said, gesturing to me. 

I stepped closer, towering over her. Our eyes locked so I knew she was paying attention to what I had to say next.

"You killed over eight billion people. Families. Men. Women. Children. Regular people like me. How do you expect me to feel? Gracious that you spared my life?"

Tears came to her eyes and she looked away from me. I didn't feel any sympathy for her. My words weren't wrong. She was a murder in every sense and she needed to hear it.

"I'm sorry. But I had to do it. For our child."

"Our what?"

She whipped her tears away. "I didn't want to spring it on you so fast. But Timothy, I'm pregnant and you are definitely the father."

I leaned against the window. My legs gave out on me. She was never one to lie. I was going to be a father. And to an abomination bastard nonetheless. My world was destroyed and now my world was destroyed.

"You...pregnant...how?"

"Well our when you stick your–"

"No. I get that. I just…"

"Like I said. I didn't want to spring it on you like this. But once I learned I was pregnant. I knew I had to eat fast. And a growing baby needs more than frozen rock or molten fire. If our baby is half human, I figured Earth would be the best food source I could give him or her.”

"Or you could have filled up on spaghetti? I could make literal truckloads!"

"Your Earth food was nice, but not nearly as filling."

"So, because you are pregnant you destroyed my planet. In order to feed our child who will also grow up to be a planet eater.”

"Planet Eater is a derogatory term."

"Why? Because it is accurate?”

Before she could respond, a loud tone echoed in the room followed by a feminine voice, "Milly, where are you? The food is getting cold."

"I will be right there," Milly responded.

"Who was that?"

"That was my mother. I better get out there before there is nothing left."

She left out the doors into the vacuum of space, which as you can expect caused me to get sucked out of the ship after her. I expected to be dead in moments, but the ship had a contingency plan for me. It sealed me into a spacesuit as I was hurtling toward the doors, so I could join them in the void. 

So I guess that was it. Now I'm just watching my planet be devoured by my planet-eating girlfriend and her parents. I'm still pissed, but I guess...oh shit here they come. How do I turn this thing off? Stop. Cease. End recording.