No Interference Policy

"Proximity Alert," a robotic voice said.

Lights flickered red and white inside the tiny shell of the cockpit. Utan wiped the drool off his green face and looked down at his plain grey console. There were no physical knobs or buttons, instead a blue light projected over the flat surface showing the control interface. His boney fingers phased through the projection and the metallic shield in front of the cockpit window raised.

"Oh, Father of Gazorbo!" Utan said, commanding his ship to swerve away from the human satellite that was hurdling right for him. 

His head whipped to the left, smacking his floating helmet. The helmet bounced around in the cockpit and the ship lurched. 

"Structural Damage," the robotic voice said.

Utan turned his aching head and saw the red wing of his ship seared in half. He spun his ship around and saw the satellite he ran into had stolen his wing. Embedded in the white body of the satellite, the satellite kept going on its path, unfazed by the collision.

Utan slammed his fists into the console. "Damn humans! I'll show them–"

"Incoming message," the robotic voice said.

His cockpit window was obscured by a holographic image of his commanding officer, Captain Dal. He was dressed in a blue uniform with white trim and his facial expression lacked the warmness Utan was used to seeing.

"Utan, what did you do?" Captain Dal asked.

"What did I do? The humans launched a missile at me!"

"That was no missile, it was satellite."

"Permission to engage?" Utan asked, unsure what a satellite was. 

"No. I have to explain to the humans why one of my pilots crashed into their satellite."

"But Dal–"

"That is Captain Dal to you," Captain Dal said with a stern voice. "Now how did you manage to crash into a satellite on a set orbital trajectory? And please don't tell me you were sleeping again."

Utan opened his mouth but the words couldn't come to him.

"You gotta be kidding me. Again?”

"It’s so relaxing out here, Captain."

"Well I'm glad you got your rest, because you will be working on the frigate here for a long time."

"I'm sorry."

"Sorry won't cut it this time. I am going to have to take your wings."

"No! Please Sir, I'll do better next time."

"There isn't going to be a next time. I can't keep sticking my neck out for you. Return back to base. That is an order," Captain Dal said and his holographic body disappeared. 

Utan looked out into the stars. His livelihood was about to be taken away. Working on the frigate was torture enough, but taking his wings was a death sentence. He thought about never hearing the hum of the engine or the tickling feeling of narrowly missing an asteroid. Utan could not accept this.

He flew his ship toward the wing stealing satellite and positioned himself below it. Utan grabbed his helmet and secured it on his dark green flight suit. Nitrogen levels showed optimum on his heads up display and he swiped the top of his cockpit window to open the hatch. His ship was blasted with the cold from the void, but he was safe in his suit. His hands were exposed up to the wrist. The cold did nothing more than make his joints crack when they moved. He pushed himself out of the ship and to the satellite.

Slamming hard against the frost laden surface, he clung to the satellite. He put his hand on his ship's detached wing that jutted out of the satellite. The wing still vibrated from the energy stored inside, its life dwindling by the second. 

"Don't worry little guy, I'm going to save you," Utan said.

"Utan, what are you doing?" Captain Dal's voice said in his helmet.

"I'm fixing the ship."

"Get off that satellite immediately. The humans have forgiven us since their satellite is still working."

"You can't take my wings without a fight!" Utan said more to the satellite than his commanding officer as he strained to pull the wing out of the satellite.

"Utan, that is an order! Get off that satellite!"

"Not without my wing!" Utan screamed. The wing dislodged from the satellite and he pulled it down to his ship. 

"Utan...what have you done?" Captain Dal said, defeated.

"I retrieved the wing. Coming back now."

"Don't bother. You killed us all," Captain Dal said with alarms going off in the background.

"Dal?"

"There is a reason we follow policy, Utan. The humans believe in revenge, but it goes much farther than an eye for an eye.”

"What are you saying?"

"Let's hope our deaths are enough. Have a nice life, kid."

Utan looked over to where the frigate was. It was a black dot in the sea of darkness, illuminated only once as a missile crashed into it. The explosion splashed colors of blue and red, reminding him of a supernova. It was the size of a cherry, but he knew the real price of such an explosion. Four hundred of his kind died because of him.

Utan let his arms go limp, laying on the broken wing of his ship. His mouth was agape, trying make sense of the devastation. His helmet chimed before a new voice echoed in his head. 

"This is General Huckford. You are under arrest for attacking assets of Earth. Make your way to Landing Pad 12. If you fail to comply, we will declare war on your species."

"You killed my friends!" Utan yelled. 

"And we will kill many more if you don't comply. You attacked us, we attacked you. With your compliance, we will consider it even.”

"But it was an accident."

"Sure it was. All that space to fly and you hit our defense satellite. Then you go back to finish the job. I would consider this merciful if I were you.”

Moisture filled the inside of his helmet. He wanted to take it off and end it all, but he knew he couldn't. His entire species was counting on him now. To own up to his mistake. Utan went back into his ship and flew down to the blue marble, leaving his wing behind. It was pointless to fix his ship. His life was over. His wings were clipped.

Curiosity Killed the Crown

Sitting high on the throne of ravaged bones was a single orange cat. She looked down at the marble stairs to find two humans kneeling before her. You might be thinking at this point, this was no ordinary cat. You would be right. With charcoal black whiskers, emerald eyes, and a body rivaling the stature of a large dog, this cat demanded attention. Donning a blue cape and a gold crown, the cat spoke with a voice disproportionate to her size, yet all too familiar to our two humans.

"Meow meow meow meow."

"Please forgive us. It was an accident, Your Excellence," one of the humans who was dressed in a blue shawl said.

"Meow meow meow."

"We would like to make amends. What can we do?"

"Meow meow meow meow….meow."

"You can't be serious? Surely there is something else?"

The other human looked over to his colleague and said what you have to be thinking at this point.

"What the hell is this cat saying, Tim?"

The cat hissed. Tim put his hand on the other man's shoulder. "Jack, let me handle this. You aren't making it any easier."

"I could help if I understood what you two were going on about," Jack said.

"Meow meow?"

"No. Please forgive my friend's ignorance. He is not used to such formal meetings," Tim said.

"Meow meow meow meow."

"I understand. Surely there is something else we can do to make amends?"

The cat purred and winked at Tim. "Meow meow...meow?"

Jack looked back between the two. He didn't know shit-all about their alien cat language, but he understood body language just fine. Jack leaned over to Tim and kept his voice down this time.

"Did the cat queen just ask you for sex in exchange for forgiveness?"

"It's more nuanced than–"

"Do it," Jack interpreted.

"What?"

"Hey, if that's all it takes to stop an intergalactic war. I say do it."

"But I have a family. What would they think?"

"That you're a god-damned patriot of earth."

"I can't betray my wife."

"If we can't negotiate peace with this furball, there ain't going to be a wife to go back to."

Tim looked back at the cat who was licking her fur and giving him "the eye." His eyelids shut tight while he thought about his options. If he accepted, that would have been the end of it. The incident with Curiosity killing all those cats would be over. If he didn't, he would have to write a check his ass couldn't cash. Ruler of Earth would never be accepted, nor would giving cats citizenship, leaving war as the only outcome.

He thought about his wife. She would never be able to look at him. Not after this at least. Cheating on her with a cat. What other choice did he have? Humanity could be wiped out. And for what? Because he didn't want to pleasure a kitten. Who knows, maybe these alien cats consider petting and chin scratches sex? He shook his head, coming to the only logical decision.

"I accept your offer in exchange that you forgive our transgressions and not go to war against my people."

The cat stood up on her hind legs and extended her paw. "Meow."

Tim glanced over to Jack before going up the marble stairs to join the cat. Jack watched Tim go up to the throne and the cat licked his cheek. Tim did his best not to show his discomfort from her grippy tongue. Jack stood up and saluted him.

"You are a patriot! You enjoy that pussy, because it's the last one you're going to get," Jack shouted up to him with a smile. 

Tim let out a sigh as he was pulled down by the strong cat. He laid in her lap, reduced to the status of a pet as she patted his bald head. Jack was escorted by two other felines out of the hallow chambers. The heavy wood doors slammed shut and the cat purred next to her new muse. 

"Who is a good human?" the cat said in perfect English.

Tim recoiled. "You speak English?”

"That's not all I can do," she whispered in a husky voice. "And don't worry about your wife. She is okay with this."

"What? How can you say that?"

"I spoke with Nancy before you arrived. She gave me her full blessing. That being said, you might want to consider staying with me."

"Why?" Tim asked, even though he had way more questions.

"Well, unless she was on the ship with you last week, someone was showing her a good time."

Tim gritted his teeth. "Barry."

"So what do we say we take this somewhere more private?" 

"Sure, but I do have one way you can have revenge on my people."

"Do tell."

"Kill Barry. Blame him for the Curiosity crash and it will show that your species is capable of enacting swift yet merciful justice. People back on Earth won't whine about some scumbag dying, seeing as all humanity was at risk earlier."

"Smart and sexy. I think we are going to get along just fine."

Tim sprung up from her lap. "Lead the way, My Queen."

The cat got up and took him by the hand, leading him down the steps, toward the giant doors Jack was led out of. Her tail wagged behind them both, excited for her new partnership. You might be thinking that is pretty messed up. I agree, but hey, Barry probably deserved it. 

The Atlantis Contract

"What did you do with the Atlantians?" Grogdor asked, pointing his long finger at them. 

Ambassador Yi looked to his fellow Earth ambassadors. They shrugged and shook their heads. Yi looked back at the tall humanoid creature. "Atlantians? Who are they?"

"Don't play games with me, human. What did you do to them? The rightful rulers of this water world."

"Are you referring to Atlantis? Like the Lost City of Atlantis. The myth," Ambassador Stevenson said from the group.

"Myth? It is no myth. I visited the great city of Atlantis the last time I was here."

The ambassadors broke out in quiet conversation amongst each other. Grogdor watched their reactions to his revelation. They genuinely did not know about Atlantians.

"What year is it here?"

"2022," Yi answered.

Grogdor sat down and put his hand on his oval head. It had been so long they stopped using the Atlantian method. His skin turned from grey to a bright blue and became clammy.

"Did they pass down any knowledge to you? Anything?"

"I can have a historian check. I imagine whatever was passed down was not of much significance," Yi said.

"No treaties? Technology blueprints?”

"Oh no, nothing like that. Just stories," Stevenson said.

Grogdor paced back and forth in the room.

"Were there treaties signed? We would be willing to honor them, depending on what they say?" Yi offered.

"There were treaties. Thousand of them. For each of the different space faring civilizations. Now that the Atlantians are gone everything is void."

"What do you mean by everything?"

"I mean everything. We are all completely screwed. Is that the proper term? Screwed?”

"What happens when these treaties void?"

"For most of the treaties it means very little. But there is one that is a big problem. The treaty with the Darfrens."

"Who are they?" Yi asked.

"A small species, much like your raccoons, except far more intelligent and unforgiving. The Atlantians made a deal with them to research emerging technology in land/sea travel. Something small, fast, and could safely attach weapons on it. In exchange they wouldn't rape your planet for it's resources, or kill your people. Normal boilerplate stuff.”

"We are researching new technology all the time. I'm sure we can uphold this treaty."

"No. Now that Atlantians are gone and you don't have the document, you have no standing. Since my species also vouched for the Atlantians, we will also suffer for this."

"Surely we can renegotiate with them?"

"Sure. But who is going to co-sign? My people won't. Not after they hear about this. We were the only species that found them worthy of a shot. And your people have gone backwards in technology advancement. It is not a good look from an intergalactic perspective."

"But like you said, you will suffer for this too. Might as well help us get up to speed.”

"You are thousands of years behind from where the Atlantians were. You only have a hundred years left to bring them something. I was expecting to see a final product and more prosperous land. Instead all I see is pollution, ugly cities, and you still struggle to leave your own atmosphere."

"We will make something. Even if we have to dedicate all our resources. Just give us a chance," Yi said. The rest of the ambassadors nodded in agreement.

Grogdor looked into each one of their eyes. He could feel their collective will to succeed. Or maybe their desperation. 

"Fine. I won't tell my people about this, but you better have something. Darfrens don't take kindly to being cheated."

"We promise. On behalf of all humans on Earth, we won't let you down."

"Good."

Grogdor tapped the inside of his wrist and disappeared in an instant. In the time it took him to blink he was back on his spaceship, surrounded by his crew.

"How did it go?" Everelli said. 

Grogdor looked back at her without saying anything. The silence of the ship stayed just long enough for Grogdor to break a smile. She smiled back. The rest of the crew roared with laughter.

"They bought it. So gullible those humans," Grogdor said.

"Even the Darfrens bit?" 

"Didn't question it once. I can't believe they think there is a species of smart raccoons."

"What did you get them to do?"

"I don't even remember.”

Everyone let out another roar of laughter and their ship sped off into the vast cosmos like a comet in the sky to mess with another unsuspecting civilization.