Piracy Paperwork

Pallen dropped yet another form into the sea of white paper on the kitchen table. "This a load of Farek shit."

"I know, Cap. How many forms are left in that packet you got?" Carlton asked. 

"Packet? Carlton, I got a whole fucking crate in the cargo bay. This is section A. I bet it goes through the whole alphabet."

Carlton grabbed a random form on the table. His eyes wandered along the page and his brow twitched. "I guess we don't meet the diversity requirement."

"Bullshit. I have crew members from all over Earth. Hell we even have a few aliens. Look at K'ier."

"We need at least one member from each of the Founding Planets," Carlton read.

Pallen's eyes grew with anger. "I refuse to have a Farek aboard my vessel!"

"Come on sir, they are not all bad."

"I'm not sure there are any that are good. Don't you remember the massacre of Icur Nine?"

"Well it doesn't matter, we still need at least one to meet compliance, Cap," Carlton said, tossing the paper on the table.

The doors to the kitchen swooshed open and a man with crew cut hair walked in wearing a grey uniform with red shoulders. He slouched and held his left elbow. 

"Captain Pallen. We have someone who wants to interview for the open position?" 

"What's wrong with your elbow?" Pallen asked.

"Nothing sir," the man said, but his face gave him away when he let it dangle by his side.

"Fine, don't tell me. Just go get it checked out with Doc below deck. And bring in the candidate. I could use a distraction from this."

"Yes sir," the man said and the door closed behind him. 

Pallen stood up and walked to the middle of the table. The lights hummed above him as if him leaving his chair was an insult to their very being. 

"Can we please get someone to fix these lights? They drive me nuts," Pallen said.

"I can do it," a sultry voice said at the same time the door opened. 

Standing in front of Pallen was a woman in the earthly sense of the word. Long black hair that flowed down her narrow shoulders, drawing attention to her more...feminine assets. She was a knockout in every sense of the word, wearing her form fitting red jumpsuit, but there was a catch. Her skin was green and she had a scaly tail that flapped behind her. She was a Farek.

Pallen's mouth was open far longer than would have been appropriate, drooling on the ground. Carlton got to his feet and addressed her.

"I'm sorry miss. The open position is already filled," Carlton said.

"I thought you needed a maintenance worker?" the Farek asked.

"Um...no. There must be a misunderstanding. That position is already filled."

Pallen finally woke up from his not so clean fantasy and caught on to what Carlton was getting at.

"Yes, this is a misunderstanding indeed. The position is filled...by you."

"Really? I haven't even–” the Farek asked before being interrupted.

Pallen smoothly glided toward her and took her cold hand. Her palm was soft to the touch. How he expected a human hand to be, but on top was uniform rows of scales. "Please excuse my second mate here. We are going through so much paperwork, it's hard to keep everything straight. What's your name my dear?”

"Maresha."

"Maresha. It is a pleasure," Pallen said, kissing her scales. "I am Captain Pallen and my confused friend is Carlton. Welcome aboard the Jackass Five."

"Thank you, Captain."

"Please, call me Pallen. The rest of the crew does."

"Okay, Pallen. Do you want me to get started on that light for you?"

"Right to business. I like it. Yes. Talk to Barry outside. He will show you where we keep the tools."

"I will be back at once," Maresha said, sliding her hand out from his grip and left with her tail waving goodbye.

Carlton looked at Pallen who was still holding his hands in the same position as if she never left. Pallen stared forward at the closed door, his gaze frozen in place.

"Cap, I thought you said you hated Farek's? That you would never have one on your vessel."

"Like you said we need one for our diversity requirement. And she seems very qualified," Pallen said, snapping out of his trance.

"She offered to fix a lightbulb. We don't even know anything about her," Carlton argued.

"Don't worry Carlton, she'll do great. I have a good feeling about this."

Carlton shook his head, knowing that Pallen was only thinking with the three sorry excuses for balls hanging between his legs. Carlton also hated himself that he even knew that. He should have never read his medical file.

"Fine, you want her. You get her. But you are filling out the form," Carlton said, smacking the form into Pallen's chest. 

"I'd be glad to," Pallen said absentmindedly as he brought the paper up to his face. His childlike smirk changed to a frown. "This isn't the diversity form. It is a sexual harassment form.”

"You'll need to take a long look at that one," Carlton said, jumping back in his chair and propped his feet up on the table.

"What the hell! The captain can't sleep with crew members? We're pirates, not priests," Pallen said, reading farther down the form.

"Well we won't be either if you don't fill out the paperwork."

Pallen grumbled and drew a pen from his pocket. The black ink seeped into the paper as he signed his name at the bottom, binding him to a life of celibacy. Pallen handed Carlton the form and grabbed another random piece of paper from the sea of bureaucracy.

"I'm telling you this now, if she comes onto me, we are becoming outlaw pirates," Pallen said. 

"You better not. I'll stage the mutiny myself if we waste all this time filling out paperwork so you can get frisky with some alien."

"There has to be a form about no mutinies."

Carlton reached over and grabbed a form under his feet, reading it outloud, "Union Contract, Part 17C Mutiny Conditions."

"Don't worry Carlton. I was only joking. I can be a professional."

Maresha returned to the room with a box of tools in hand. She parted the sea of papers on the table and stood on top to work on the lights. Pallen's eyes wandered up to her voluminous booty and her tail curled up, tickling his chin. At that moment, he knew what he had to do.

Pallen lunged at Carlson who kept the form out of Pallen's reach. "Gimme that form, Carlton!"

Cost of Insubordination

The hiss of pipes losing pressure overhead screeched down the corridor. Kendal stumbled into the concave wall next to him, while the ship lurched from the blast outside. The lights flickered three times then turned red. Darkness filled the rest of the void the red light would not. The metal pang of his boots hitting the floor announced his presence as he made it to the door at the end.

The sliding door jerked open to reveal the flight crew trying to deal with the real chaos. Yala and Tenso were grappling with a large duct hose that was flailing in the air, filling the room with steam. A different thinner cable was dancing with the Captain while he tried to avoid getting zapped by the sparking end. At the four consoles, only Zenith was at her's. Her feet were tucked toward her chest while she sat at the console. Underneath her, Ronny was head deep inside the console banging away at something.

"Kendal, give me a hand with sparky here," Captain Carson said.

Kendal squeezed past the consoles and ducked under Yala's butt as she was lifted in the air with Tenso by the steam tube. He caught a whiff of the bean casserole she just ate and held his hand over his mouth.

"Kendal. Any day now?" Carson said, dodging another strike from the sparky viper.

Kendal grabbed the cable above his head with both hands. Then he slid his right hand down toward the sparking end. The cable calmed from wild flailing to light spasms. Carson made a step with his hands and hoisted Kendal up to reattach the cable. Sparks from the cable made it easy for Kendal to see where the cable went. He pushed the end into the socket and gave it a turn. The cockpit hummed to life and startup beeps came from the consoles.

"Consoles are back online. Get to your stations everyone," Zenith said.

Yala and Tenso were on the ground still wrestling with the mighty steam spewer. Their skintight grey jumpsuits were coated in some dark liquid that was pooled on the ground. If Kendal didn't know any better, the duct hose was using them as human mops to cleanup the mess.

Carson lowered Kendal down and turned to his struggling crew. "Get to your stations! Kendal and I will handle this."

Yala and Tenso both let go at the same time, scrambling to get on their feet. The tube whipped up and blasted Carson with steam, sending him flying into the unforgiving glass.

"You said you had it Captain," Tenso said, flicking a few switches before sitting down.

Carson groaned. "Yeah...I got it."

Kendal tackled the duct hose, squeezing both his arms and legs around it, trying to constrict it into submission. The steam sputtered to a cough, but continued to buck him around. Carson got up and went over to help, when the hose banged Kendal into the wall. His leg grip loosened, blasting another steam plume at the Captain, this time at his legs. Carson was upended and face planted onto the smooth floor.

The steam snake was not done yet, rocketing Kendal into the ceiling. Kendal got wedged in-between the metal ceiling and the hose that didn't want to quit. The steam blew up his nose, making him cough. He lifted the hose up above his head, along the ceiling and he heard a click. The steam stopped and he could hear it being funneled through conduit.

He let go of the hose and was suspended by his shirt that was caught on something sharp before it gave way. Kendal fell on something soft, the Captain. 

"Kendal...Why?" Carson groaned.

Kendal rolled off Carson. "Sorry sir." 

Kendal helped his Captain up. Carson's back cracked a few times until he stood straight up. 

"Hyperdrive is ready," Tenso said.

"Punch it. Before the Ecorians realize we aren't sitting ducks anymore," Carson ordered.

Tenso clicked the button at the same time an Ecorian fighter pulled in front to face them. It was basically an egg with thin wings on each side that held twin laser cannons below. The fighter kept getting closer with every second.

"Is he going to ram us?" Carson said.

"Um...I think we are going to ram him," Tenso said.

"Cancel the hyperdrive. Don't run through him."

Tenso mashed the same button over and over, nothing changed.

"I can't stop it!"

"Brace for impact!" Carson yelled.

Kendal held on to Tenso's console. The words of his previous commander filled his head...at least the ones that hurt the most, "If you just followed my orders, I could've protected you." Kendal closed his eyes, preparing to meet his fate. Their ship crashed into the fighter like a hammer to styrofoam. The fighter splintered in half, sending pieces everywhere into space. The pilot's blood smeared on the glass.

The crew looked at each other, shocked that they were still alive. Kendal opened his eyes to see the blood smeared over the glass.

"We're alive!" Yala said, releasing the console she was grabbing on to for dear life.

"Those Ecorians must make their ships out of tin," Zenith said. 

The crew laughed while Carson looked back at the stain on his window. The crimson smear marked the ship like a bad omen waiting to be awakened. He pointed at it and turned to Kendal. "Kendal. You got one more mess to clean up."

"I'm sure it won't be the last," Kendal said.

Ronny peaked out from underneath the console and threw up upon seeing the blood outside. Zenith rolled her eyes, unable to move without stepping in vomit.

"Now you got two messes. Aren't you glad you are stuck here with us?" Carson asked.

Kendal smiled. He was happy. Not about the chunky green sludge on the floor, but the crew he was with. They made what was supposed to be a punishment, a blessing. And an opportunity.