Elf Princess

“Oh, crap! I fold you I am a princess, right?” my girlfriend, Mitzy, asked and squeezed my arm.

I grabbed her pale little wrist. "You know normal couples save role play for the bedroom or Halloween, but I guess I'm down for it."

"I'm serious, Jason."

"That's Prince Jason to you!" I said, raising my hand. I didn't get to look at her expression since I was driving, but I'm sure she was smiling.

"Jason."

"Mitzy...oh I mean Princess Mitzy. Eh. Did I do good?" I asked in my best sophisticated accent.

Mitzy sighed and sat back in her seat. I thought I was being charming, but I guess she didn't see it that way. I wasn't given much time to think about her reaction as we had arrived at her parents place. The dirt road with forest all around us broke into a giant courtyard. The grass was cut like a putting green and the shrubbery was designed to look like giant green woodland creatures. I'm still a little miffed they snubbed squirrels from the line up, but nonetheless it was impressive to say the least.

I drove up to the giant mansion that was made of white marble. It towered over the grounds, much like a castle. I knew she said her family lived out in the country, but I didn't expect her parents to be so wealthy. I thought it was more of a live on the land or farm type situation, instead of being so filthy rich they live far away to keep the poors out. To greet us was a tall elf wearing a tailored suit. He even opened the door for Mitzy and everything.

"Princess Mitzy," the well dressed elf said, helping her out of the car.

"Reggie, how are you?" Mitzy said, giving him a hug.

"Better than ever. When we heard you were coming home, we were all ecstatic. Although the king is a little nervous about the man you are bringing home.”

"King?" I asked, hoping I misheard.

"Yes. King Wurlin..." Reggie said and turned to Mitzy. "Princess Mitzy. Did you not tell him you are royalty?"

"I told him on the way here," Mitzy said with a shy grin. I would have been annoyed, but that smile got me every time. That and her pointy ears perked up ever so slightly outside her luscious black hair. It's downright adorable.

Reggie smiled and shook his head. "What are we going to do with you?"

At the top of the stairs in front of the giant wood door stood another elf, wearing a long blue cape and a crown on top of his head. I may have been a simple human, but I knew a King when I saw one.

"Regeval, come bring them up," King Wurlin called to us.

We followed Reggie to the door where her father was waiting with a giant smile on his face. I was sweating the whole time and every step made my heart beat louder. My mind was overheating with questions. How do I address royalty? Was I supposed to wear something different than jeans and a shirt? Am I supposed to be royalty? That last one stuck with me. She was a princess and I was...a regular guy. Didn't royalty expect to marry other royalty? If they were anything like humans, I would assume so. I had been so deep in thought I didn't even realize we were already standing in front of the king.

"...and may I present Jason–"

"Prince," I said, interrupting Reggie.

Reggie gave me a quizzical look and Mitzy was straight up shocked. King Wurlin's face went from tempered to pure joy. His eyes lit up and he stepped forward.

"Prince Jason. Who would have thought my daughter would have found herself a member of another royal family. What line do you come from?"

I should have said nothing, but it was too late. He needed an answer, so I gave him one alright.

"Burger."

"I have never heard of them. You will have to tell me all about your family over dinner."

A different elf ran out from the door behind the King and whispered in his ear. King Wurlin nodded.

"If you would excuse me, I need to handle something. Mitzy, I'm sure you can show this fine man around our home," King Wurlin said and left inside without another word.

Reggie followed him and I was going to follow too, but Mitzy held me up.

"I didn't know you are royalty?" Mitzy asked, watching my face for any signs of deception. Sure I lied to her father, but there was no use lying to her.

"I panicked."

She put her hands on her hips. "Jason."

"What was I supposed to do?"

"Not tell him you are royalty."

"I can't backpedal from this now. You saw the look on his face," I said, doing my best impression of a little puppy dog pout. She wasn't the only one who can play that game.

Mitzy sighed, relenting to my adorableness. "I guess we are just going to have to pretend for now. What was your last name again?”

"Benton. Have I not told you my last name?"

She bonked me on the forehead with her palm. "The one you gave my father. The one I won't know."

"Oh. Heh heh. Burger."

"So your father would be King Allen Burger...wait...you didn't...you didn't name yourself after that restaurant?"

I shrugged. "I said I panicked."

"You're lucky we don't have a Burger King out here or you would be busted, Mister."

"So you're going to help me?"

She stared at me for a little bit. Most people would be holding their breath, waiting for a response that could go either way. Her stare brought that out in most people. I knew her well though. She was going to help me and was just thinking of a plausible way to do it.

"We have till dinner to get your details straight," Mitzy said, walking up the stairs.

"Does that mean I still get the tour?" I said, following her.

"Shorter tour. If you're going to convince my father your royalty, we have a lot of work to do.”

I went up alongside her and danced my fingers across her shoulders. Her eyes rolled back into her head and relaxed her muscles.

"Do I get a tour of anything else while I'm here?" I asked.

"Nope. I need all your blood in your head and not your other head."

"I'm confused, which one needs all the blood?"

She lowered her hand and flicked me right on the tip of my penis. I toppled to the floor, holding my groin in hopes that would somehow stop my suffering. Her fingers may have been dainty, but it felt like I got stung by a bee. So much for thinking my jeans would protect me.

"You still confused?"

"Nope." I barely squeaked out.

"Good. Now come on then. There is a lot to cover here."

***

Mitzy showed me around her family's entire mansion and it was quite the place. There was a room for everything and they were all pretty big. Fancy chandeliers hung in the larger rooms with vaulted roofs and the lower roof areas settled with candle light on walls. Everything seemed like something from the Victorian area, but I think anything that looks both fancy and old is Victorian. Once we had seen everything, she got to work on coaching me through being a member of royalty.

"How do you address the king?" Mitzy asked.

"Hello?”

"It's Your Majesty.”

"I keep forgetting that. Why is everything so formal and fancy?"

"Probably to keep commoners like you out," Mitzy teased.

"You know, that hurts. First the dick flick, now the personal attacks. I'm starting to think you don't like me," I said, giving her a flash of my winning smile.

"You're a tough prince. I think you can take it," she said, winking at me. "So how do you address my father?"

"Hello, sir."

"Your Majesty."

I face palmed myself. "Argh. I'll get it."

"You better, because dinner will be starting soon," Mitzy said, gesturing to the doorway. Reggie's steps echoed down the hall and into my ears before I saw him. He stopped at the doorway and readjusted his tie.

"The king requests your presence at the dinner table."

"We will be right there," Mitzy said and Reggie nodded before leaving us. She turned to me and grabbed my shoulders. "You will do fine. Besides the few things I taught you, just be yourself. He'll love you.”

"You think so?"

"Fifty fifty," she said and walked away.

"Hey! Hold up. Only fifty fifty? How can I boost that up?" Mitzy!" I followed her and she kept ignoring me. I knew she had a devious little grin on her face. She sure wanted me to sweat this one.

We got to the grand dining hall and it was lit up brighter than when I saw it during the tour. Three chandeliers hung from above and candles along the walls kept darkness at bay. A classic large oak table sat in the middle of the room with a fine red tablecloth across the middle. At the head of the table was King Wurlin and at his side was his queen. Mitzy had told me her name on more than one occasion, but it left my brain once we approached them.

"Please sit," King Wurlin said, gesturing to the two seats to his left.

I was going to sit on the far chair, but Mitzy guided me toward her father. Dang her and her graceful elvish feet. Once my butt hit the seat, her mother took it as a cue to say something.

"Mitzy, are you going to introduce me to your friend?" the queen asked.

"Mother, this is my boyfriend Jason–”

"Prince Jason," her father quickly corrected.

Mitzy gave her father the side eye before continuing. "...and Jason, this is my mother, Queen Marsawne."

"It is a pleasure to meet you," Queen Marsawne said.

"The pleasure is all mine. And thank you again for inviting me,” I said.

"We are glad you could be here. Usually Mitzy never brings anyone with her to family dinners, so you must be special," King Wurlin said.

"Father!" Mitzy said. She blushed ever so slightly, but her embarrassment was my relief. At least for a moment.

"Oh, come on. It's not like you brought a commoner to dinner. This man is of great status."

I gulped so loud I thought it echoed in the room. Instead it was masked by the trays of food coming in from his servants. They presented each of us with a prepared plate of fish, along with strawberries and blackberries. My mouth savored just looking at it. If the fork was in my hand, I totally would have started digging in, if for nothing else to keep my mouth full so her father couldn't grill me with questions. They put the plates in front of us, but not the forks. One of the elves cut a piece of the fish and ate it off my plate. I wanted to punch him so bad, but then I remembered food testers were a thing.

"How does it taste?" King Wurlin asked.

"It tastes fine my…" the elf started before choking. His mouth was foaming and the other servants rushed him away. The servants that didn't help the choking elf swiftly took the plates away and ran off. I watched this all unfold and yet the only one distraught was Mitzy and I.

"Um...did he just…" I asked.

"He was poisoned. I had a feeling our former cook would poison the food, but I had to make sure,” King Wurlin said.

"What's going on? Are you in danger?" Mitzy asked in a high pitched voice.

"Not anymore. That cook disagreed with how your father has been running the kingdom and one of our servants told us she was planning on killing us. We didn't want to get too hasty, so we set a trap and she clearly took the bait," Queen Marsawne said.

"Is your servant going to be alright?" I asked.

"Yes. That is why I had to leave you two so suddenly after you arrived. Our plan needed to go in motion and I swapped the poison she was going to use. He will be sick for a few days, but will live," King Wurlin explained.

King Wurlin's words gave me some comfort that I wasn't almost poisoned by some nefarious elf. That didn't subside my gurgling belly though.

"I'm so sorry. We are terrible hosts. We don't have any food prepared," Queen Marsawne said.

That was when I had a great idea that would not only save my stomach from hunger, but also sell my royalty story.

"How about we have some of my father's fine cuisine?" I offered. Mitzy gave me a disapproving look, but she didn't know what I was planning.

"That is a wonderful idea! I would be honored to see what your family's servants make," King Wurlin said.

"If you would excuse me for a moment," I said. I got up and walked away from the table to get some privacy. I pulled out my phone and dialed the first number I saw.

"Burger King, how may I take your order? a voice said over the phone.

"Kennedy, it's me, Jason."

"Hey Jason. Aren't you supposed to be on your date right now?"

"I am. I'm at her parents' place, but we are in need of some food."

"Well you called the right place. What do you need?"

"I'll take the chicken fries. Mitzy will have the garden salad and the parents will have the veggie burger."

"Do you want any fries with that?"

"Yeah. And whatever you have for soda."

"Are you eating in or picking up?"

"That's the thing...I need you to drive it to me."

"This isn't a Dominos."

"I know."

"Then you know my answer."

I looked over my shoulder to make sure Mitzy's family wasn't listening in to my conversation. "You owe me, Kennedy. Come on."

All I could hear on the other end was beeps and meat being seared on the grill. He was thinking it over, but I knew it was still a big ask.

"Okay I'll do it."

"Yes!" I said, doing a little fist pump.

"But you will owe me one."

"Deal. It is at 500 Oakdale Drive, County Road 40."

"Woah, that's out of town. Not sure I will find it."

"Trust me, you can't miss it."

***

Thankfully, King Wurlin had to deal with another pressing matter, so all I had to do was be a good boyfriend and listen to Mitzy and her mother catch up. They asked me no questions and I liked it that way. By the time King Wurlin came back I was saved by my phone.

"I'm here. Dude, since when was your girlfriend rich?" Kennedy said.

"Hey that is another thing...you need to pretend to be my servant."

"Not cool man."

"It's not even hard. You work for my dad, King Burger."

I could hear his laughter as he made his way inside the mansion. "You can't be serious? I don't know if you're a genius or an insane person."

"Maybe both. I can hear you."

"And I can see you,” Kennedy said and ended the call. He walked to me holding four brown bags, wearing his black uniform. I took the bags from him and gave them to Mitzy.

"What's the damage?" I asked.

"Fifty bucks should be enough," Kennedy said with a maniacal grin.

I took out my wallet and paid him, but I wasn't able to avoid King Wurlin's questions.

"Why are you paying your servant?" King Wurlin asked.

"He is almost out of gas and he left my father's card at the castle. Got to make sure he gets back alright," I said and gave Kennedy the last of my cash.

"Thanks man. I'll see you later," Kennedy said, counting his extortion money.

He left and we all finally got to the poison-free meal we were all supposed to have. I pulled out a fry from my bag and ate it. The salty goodness tasted better than that fish would have anyways. King Wurlin and Queen Marsawne both pulled out their burgers and looked upon it with suspicion.

"Don't worry. I got you two the vegetarian option. No meat in it at all.”

Queen Marsawne sniffed it, shrugged, and then dug in. Her smile was all I needed to see to know my man hooked us up with the good stuff and not the bottom of the bag lettuce.

"This is quite good. Your cooks are quite talented."

"Why does it say Burger King, instead of King Burger?" King Wurlin asked, examining the bag.

"What you're eating now is called a burger. Named after my father. He liked the idea of being king of all burgers, so he just changed the order on all the packaging," I said, munching on another chicken fry.

"Are all your meals served like this?"

"Not all of them. Just when we eat out, like today."

"Your father must be quite successful. How have I never heard of him?"

"He runs in different circles. There are a lot of kings you don't know about," Mitzy said, coming in for the save.

"Well, I would sure like to thank him for the food.”

And as if he commanded it, my phone rang. I must have turned on my ringtone, which blared 'Your dad is calling on your cellular device.' I wanted to smash it, but King Wurlin looked at me with glee.

"Look at that. What splendid timing! Could you put him on speaker please?" King Wurlin asked.

Who was I to say no to my girlfriend's father, let alone the King of the Elves. I answered it and my dad started talking right away.

"Hey Buckroo, just calling to check in and...wait...you answered?" my dad said.

"Yep. Dad, you're on speakerphone. I'm with Mitzy's family right now."

"Excellent! Hello Mr. And Mrs. Carthrone."

"Hey Dad, I forgot to tell you. They are actually royalty. Like King and Queen."

"Wow! Well slap me sideways. I should've known. Your daughter is so well mannered, it makes sense."

"Thank you, King Burger, for your kind words, not to mention your delicious food," King Wurlin said.

"Food?"

"Oh yes, your burgers are delicious," Queen Marsawne said and took another bite.

"I never made any burgers. Jason, did you raid the kitchen?"

"Nope. I–”

"Hey Honey! Did you give Jason some burgers?" my dad shouted to my mom, who must have been in a different room than him.

"No I didn't. Are you interrupting his date?" my mom responded, albeit it was hard to hear on the phone.

"He answered the phone. Her parents are on speakerphone."

"I want to talk with them! I'll be right down."

I could hear her feet storm down the stairs at my parents place before she ran into the table their phone must have been on. It let out a scratching sound that was not too pleasing.

"Hello Mr. and Mrs. Carthrone! How are you doing this evening?" my mom asked.

"We are doing well,” Queen Marsawne responded.

"How is my boy behaving? Not getting too handsy with your daughter I hope."

I wanted to die at that moment. Mitzy's parents both looked at me and all I could do was smile. What else was I going to do? Tell them what else we do?

"No..." Queen Marsawne said, but was definitely thinking what else we could have gotten up to within their mansion. We did have plenty of time, but had to waste it getting prepared for tonight.

"That's good. Oh Jason honey, can you stop by the house today and take out the trash? Your dad pulled his back again."

"Don't you have your servant to do it?" King Wurlin asked.

"Servants? That's what my son is for. Although if you're offering I wouldn't say no."

"Okay Mom, food is getting cold. Love you. Bye," I said and hung up. My hope was they wouldn't connect the dots.

"So you aren't a prince?" King Wurlin asked, but he knew the answer. Way to go, Mom.

I sighed. "No. I'm not."

"What is this Mitzy? Bringing some commoner home and passing him off as your boyfriend. Are you trying to embarrass us?"

"He is my boyfriend!" Mitzy said, pushing her mostly finished plate away.

"But why a commoner? I could have seen if he was an elf, but...”

"What? He isn't good enough for me if he is just a simple man?"

"Yes. You deserve the best–"

"And he is the best. I have dated a lot of men and none of them come close to him. He is kind, thoughtful, and cares about me. All royal men ever care about is continuing their lineage."

"That–"

"I'm not done! Jason cared so much about making a good impression today he lied about being a royal so he could get your approval. He even paid for your meal today. If you ask me, if he is not the best, no one is.”

Her father's mouth was stuck ajar. Heck, so was mine. I knew Mitzy was a keeper, but how she went to bat for me with her parents made me want to marry her right then and there. She sat back down and faced me, taking my hand.

"Jason, I love you with all my heart. My parents may not accept you, but I do. There is no one I would rather spend the rest of my life with," she said and a single tear ran from her eye.

I wiped the tear from her eye and our eyes locked. She said more than she had to, but it gave me the courage to say what I should have a long time ago. I kicked my chair away and went on one knee.

"Mitzy Carthrone, you make me the happiest man on this planet. Your smile never fails to brighten my day. Your touch never fails to warm my heart. And your acts of kindness never fail to show me yours. Ever since I met you in that grocery story on aisle five, I knew you were special. Little did I know at that time, you were the woman I was always looking for,” I professed and pulled out a gold band from my back pocket. "Will you marry me?”

"Of course I will marry you," she said and kneeled down next to me. She ignored the ring and laid such a passionate kiss on me I thought my heart was going to explode out of my chest. Her lips tasted like tomatoes, but that didn't bother me. She said yes and that was all that mattered. Mitzy broke away, trying to catch her breath.

"Ahem," King Wurlin said.

We both looked at him and he had a neutral expression on his face. I wasn't sure if he was upset or not, but it's not like I cared anymore. If he couldn't handle this, it was going to be on him.

"I would like to apologize...to both of you. I didn't realize your relationship was this far along…"

"I accept your apology...Pops,” I said.

"Don't call me that," he said, squinting at me.

"You like it though."

"I don't."

"Oh, he does. Deep down,” Queen Marsawne said with a smile.

"Mitzy gives that same look," I said and Queen Marsawne nodded in agreement.

"I do not," Mitzy protested, holding her hand to her chest.

"Oh that's right, I confuse it with that other look."

"What other look?"

I leaned in closer to her ear and whispered, "How about I show you after dinner?"

A sinister smile stretched across her face. "Well I'm done with dinner. We are going to go upstairs and chat."

She took me by the hand and I wasn't one to argue.

"Have a goodnight, Your Majesties," I said and waved.

"Remember you are still a guest here. No funny business in my house," King Wurlin said and was swiftly answered with a whack in the back of the head from the Queen.

She dragged me away from the dining hall and we made our way to the stairs.

"I haven't shown you my room, have I?" Mitzy asked.

"You have not."

"I have one request though when we get up there."

"Anything."

"Can you do that thing you like to do with my ear?"

"I thought you didn't like that."

"No, not that thing, the other one."

"I knew you liked it when I nibbled on your ear!" I said, not realizing how loud I got.

"Shhh. Not so loud," she said, covering my mouth and looking around.

I brushed her hair away, revealing her pointy ear. "Sorry about that. Let me make it up to you."

I bit ever so gently on the top portion of her pointy ear. She shuttered and let out a gasp before guiding my head away.

"Not here.”

"You're right. Too many prying eyes. Lead the way, My Queen."

I took her hand and she led me to her room, where we proceeded to have a magical night together. Then nine months later, you popped out. And that is the story of how you were conceived. Now how do I shut off this recorder? click Damn, not that one. How about this?

***