The Hair Snakes

Nothing in life is perfect, even my girlfriend. Don't get me wrong, she is amazing, not to mention: beautiful, intelligent, witty, caring, and eagerly accepts any opportunity to be with me. By all metrics, I have one great gal. There is one problem, her hair hates me. Now you might be asking yourself, her hair? How? Let me explain. 

First, full disclosure, my girlfriend is not your normal, run of the mill woman. She is the definition of exotic. When I first met her, I thought she had cornrows. It was a reasonable assumption, given she said her dad was from Jamaica and she never corrected me when I mentioned it. By our third date though, there was no ignoring the fact her hair certainly moved on its own accord and definitely hissed at me. At that point, she dropped the bomb on me. Her mother was Medusa. 

I always thought Medusa was a myth, but I guess I was wrong. Not only is Medusa real, but she makes a mean moussaka. Sorry, I am getting off subject. You are here to hear about my girlfriend's hair, not her mom's cooking skills. Anyways, back to her hair. 

So, Brianna and I have been dating for a few months, but it seems any time we are not in public, her hair decides to be combative with me. Sometimes they hiss when I approach her, spread out in a menacing way when we are playing pickleball, or simply bite me when we lock lips for a little too long. I guess they are snakes, but come on! Brianna constantly apologizes for her hair's behavior and says they have a mind of their own. It is not fair to either of us, but I think I have an idea on how to fix the problem. I will let you know how it goes.

-Timothy

***

Okay, so I did it. I enacted my plan and I have to say, I think it worked. I think we finally turned a corner. Let me tell you what happened. 

It was late last night and she was cuddled up on the couch listening to an audiobook. Her audiobooks don't bother me and I secretly like listening to them too, but yesterday I told her I needed to focus on some "work" and needed complete silence. She is sweet and was about to turn it off, when I handed her some headphones. Noise cancelling was ideal, because me and her hair were going to have some words. 

Once she donned them, the snakes were ready to let me have it, hissing immediately. I had enough of that and let them know. 

"What is your deal? What did I do to you?"

The snakes all stuck out their tongues and gave me a menacing glare. They swayed back and forth as if searching for the best place to strike me. 

"I know you can talk. Why don't you just tell me what I did?"

"Yousss knows what yous didsss," her hair responded in one voice. 

"I genuinely don't."

"Liesss."

"I'm not lying. If you want an apology, I apologize, but please tell me what I did," I said.

"Whyss should wess?"

I stepped toward them. "Because I'm not going anywhere. I care about Brianna too much. I want to bury the hatchet, so tell me what I have to do and I'll do it. Please."

They pondered how to respond to my statement, each of their heads all looking at each other, silently communicating with their tongues before turning back to me. It took them so long to answer, I knew they were conflicted about something.

"Youss called us cornrowsss."

"Excuse me?" I said, confused by their statement. 

"Wess don't likess yousss because yousss called us cornrowsss. Wess have a namess!"

And that was the moment it hit me, those snakes weren't just something attached to her, they were another being altogether. It took me too long to figure that out, but I made my apology count. 

"Oh…I'm truly sorry. When Brianna said you had a mind of your own, I didn't realize you were literally another being, but I really should have. Can you forgive me?"

"Maybe…"

"Then at least tell me your name."

"Cassie."

I slowly extended my hand to them, palm up and fingers spread out. "It's nice to meet you, Cassie. I'm Timothy, the brain dead ape who should have treated you with respect from the beginning."

I was half expecting to get bit, but I played my hand. It was all up to them to either accept my apology or not. Instead of getting death by a thousand snake bites, they slithered between my fingers and around my hand. It was actually quite pleasant.

Naturally though, Brianna was going to notice I was standing so close to her when I said I needed to do "work." She took off her headphones and smiled up at me.

"Hey, are you finally getting along with my hair?" Brianna asked.

"Excuse me, they have a name. Cassie," I said and smiled at the snakes who continued to slither all over my hand. 

"Are you done with work then?"

"I think for tonight. Do you mind if I listen in?"

She threw the headphones aside and made room for me on the couch. The rest of the night we held each other and I rested my hand on Cassie. Cassie never bit me or hissed and fell asleep in no time. It was the best night I had with Brianna and I have a feeling there will be many more to come. Wish me luck!

-Timothy aka The Snake Charmer