Vampire Crush

I was the luckiest guy in school. Paula Jenson, the prettiest girl in school, asked me out. Me, Brendan Jasper, the overweight nerd with a shirt pocket full of pens, out on a date. Well, it wasn't a date. It was just to hangout at her place, but her parents weren't home. Sounded like a date to me. Little did I know what was all planned for the evening. 

When I got there, I was super nervous. I was sweaty and my face was as red as a lobster. It must have been a turn on, because when she opened the door to greet me, she was practically salivating. No woman had ever looked at me like I was a tasty meal. Usually they looked at me with disgust or contempt. Paula was different. She genuinely wanted me. I could tell by how her blue eyes sparkled, staring deep through my very soul. Her blonde hair was done up, held together by a black hair scrunchie. She was even wearing a nice sundress, which was much different than her normal, albeit more sexy, skinny jeans and Hollister top. It meant I was important enough to dress up for, or at least that's how I took it. My confidence grew by the second and she pulled me inside. Wow, she was eager. 

First, Paula gave me a tour of her folks place, which was quite something. Victorian era everything from the furniture to the wallpaper. It even had a study full of books that made our school library look pathetic by comparison. I could've stayed in the dreamland of books forever, but alas, my lady wanted me elsewhere. Her bedroom.

"Sit down and make yourself comfortable. I'm going to make us some tea," Paula said after ushering me in her room and taking off again down the stairs.

I sat there awkwardly in her plain looking room wondering what to do. She brought me to her room, but I had no idea how to proceed. Did she want to talk in private or was she insinuating something else? I didn't want to misstep anywhere and screw it up. After all, a guy like me would be lucky to even be in the same hemisphere as her. In no time, she came back with two cups of piping hot tea. 

When I took the cup from her, I felt her hands were still cold. When she was pulling me around the manor, I thought for sure she just had poor circulation. My hands were almost on fire from holding the cup of tea, but she walked it up here without a yelp or a yip. 

I had to put it down on her dresser so my hands didn't melt off. "Wow this is hot. How can you handle it?"

"I guess I just don't feel it," she took a sip, not breaking eye contact from me. 

"You have a wonderful home. How long have you lived here?"

"All my life that I can remember. My family has owned it for generations. I saw you really liked my dad's study."

"It is remarkable! Has he read all of those books?"

"We all have."

Beauty and brains. "Wow! What is your favorite one?"

"I can't really pick one. Classic stories like Dracula and Frankenstein come to mind. Their renditions are a bit inaccurate, but still entertaining." She put her cup down next to mine and sat next to me on the couch. Her hand slowly snaked closer to my thigh. "Lately though, I have found a lot of pleasure in anatomy."

I gulped. Not like a silent gulp, but like a loud one she definitely heard. A smile grew on her face, undeterred by my now stiff neck. I thought I would be excited having her come on to me, but in the moment I was terrified. Her cold hand rubbed my jeans while her foot pulled my sock off. It was moving too fast and I had to say something.

"Um…Paula. Are you sure we should–" I said before her finger touched my mouth. 

"Shhh. You haven't even heard what my favorite body part is."

"Um…I think I can take a guess."

She leaned and whispered into my ear. "Veins."

"Wait…what?" I asked, but my answer was given far too quickly. 

In an instant, she sunk her fangs into my neck. I had given blood before, but this was on another level. It felt like extra large needles rammed into my neck. My blood left my body like water from a water hose or at least it felt like that. I tried to roll on top of her, but she dug in deeper. The pain was way worse when I moved and I became lightheaded. It wasn't long until I was in and out of consciousness.

What I remember right after that was blurry. She kept taking breaks and playing with my hair. Whenever I would start to move, she would dig in again. After the fourth time, she looked more panicked than excited. Next thing I know, I was wrapped up in a tarp and dragged around her house. Once we got to the stairs, she knocked me out on one of the steps. When I woke up, it was dark and I could feel something cold and heavy on top of me.

The tarp had me constrained fairly well, but my pens came in handy. I was able to wiggle one to my hand and cut open the tarp. It took some effort, but I shimmied my way out of tarp and pushed the dirt off me. She tried to bury me alive in a shallow grave. Crazy did not begin to describe it all. My crush was a vampire who tried to bury me like a dog bone.

There was no reason to stick around and my car was in front of the house still. I made a dash for it, when I saw headlights pulling in the driveway. Her parents were home and if she was a vampire, I bet the parents were too. Before the lights shined on me, I dove into the bushes next to the house window. The clunk of the doors closing made me jump, thinking they knew I was there. I had to listen carefully to know the best time to make a break for it. The door creaked open and closed and it wasn't a second when I heard her dad speak…or rather yell.

"What the hell is this!" Paula's dad said.

I heard footsteps rushing down the stairs and wanted to make a break for it, but I wanted them farther away from the door I would inevitably need to pass.

"Mother. Father…what are you doing home so soon?" Paula's voice was timid and almost scared.

"Do you mind telling me why our floor has blood smears on it?" Paula's dad took a few more steps and lost it. "Good God Paula! Even the stairs are a mess!"

"I'm sorry. I was going to clean it up–" Paula began before getting a slap to the face. 

She tumbled to the ground and her head bounced against the banister. How did I know this? Once I heard the smack of his hand I shot straight up staring into the window. Her dad was standing over her in a black suit, seething with rage while Paula covered her cheek and cried. Even though she tried to kill me, I felt sorry for her. She didn't deserve that. No one deserved to be abused, no matter what they did. I was going to intervene, but then I remembered, they are vampires and I am probably one pint away from death. All I could do was watch. 

"Get up." 

Paula did as she was told, but was unable to look her dad in the eye. It worked out in my favor, since if she looked up, I would be done for. 

"I'm sorry, Father. I–"

"I don't want to hear your excuses. You defiled our home. Even humans know better to only eat at the dining table. You will clean this up before you go to bed. Is that understood?"

She nodded. 

"Good." Her dad marched off and Paula's mom came over to comfort her. And I would be remiss if I didn't comment on her gorgeous evening gown. Ruby red dress leaving her supple back exposed. Easy to see where Paula got her good looks from.

"It's okay, dear. Nothing that can't be fixed." Paula's mom reassured her. "Did you at least get rid of the body?"

"Yes, mother."

Her mom took a sniff. "Hmmm. Smells like a boy. Was he cute?"

"Kinda," she said, but her blush gave her away. I had no idea vampires could blush. I also had no idea vampires existed until then. I had a lot of questions.

"You're blushing. How long ago did you eat?"

"There was so much, you wouldn't believe it. I am still full, I couldn't even finish."

Her mom smirked and glanced up the stairs. "Oh, I would believe it. Why don't we go upstairs and get something to clean this up?"

They both went up the stairs and I took that as my cue to get the hell out of there. The trick was turning on my car without being heard or seen. I quietly ran to my car and not a creak came from my door. Thank God! I made sure to manually switch off the lights and sat in my car for a second, wondering how I was going to pull this off. Cars aren't silent and sometimes mine had a tendency to not start on the first attempt. 

"Please baby, work for me. I beg of you," I whispered to my steering wheel and turned the key. It whined for a second and turned over with a full roar. "Yes!"

I backed up slowly out of the driveway. My heart was pounding in my chest. I was about to escape undiscovered when her dad opened the door. Out of reflex, I turned on my lights to blind him and turned off onto the main road behind me. At this point there was no hiding my escape, so I peeled out of there as fast as I could. I thought for sure I would get into a chase or something, but all he did was shake his head as if I was some random kid pulling shitties in the parking lot. It was a small relief, but a new terror entered my mind. How was school going to turn out tomorrow?

***

The next morning did not come soon enough. I had nightmares whenever I started to actually fall asleep. My blankets felt more like wet wipes, but it beat being buried alive with a tarp for a forever blanket. The whole time I kept thinking, what am I going to do about Paula? She tried to kill me. Shouldn't I tell the police? It was a serious consideration when I got home yesterday, but I thought about it. No one would believe me and if they did, any evidence would be cleaned up.

What else could I do? I still had to go to school. I had a final in chemistry that I could not miss, even though Paula sits across from me in class. There was no avoiding her. I needed advice, so after I got dressed with something that would hide the bite marks, I went to see my dad. He was always a good listener and occasionally gave good advice.

My dad was in the garage, as he was every morning, working on picking a new lock. It was his morning ritual before heading off to his real job, which if I am being honest, I didn't know what he did. He jumped around jobs so much, it was hard to keep track. When I knocked on the door, he spun in his chair, beaming like my little sister Jeanie after beating us all in mini golf.

"Brendan, come in. I'm almost done with this one," he said and returned his focus on his lock.

"Um…dad can we talk?"

He didn't take his eyes off the lock. "Of course, what's on your mind son?"

"I was wondering if you could help me out with a hypothetical."

"I certainly can. What is it?"

"So…what would you do if someone tried to kill you and thought they succeeded, but they didn't, and you have to see them the next day?"

"That is tricky." My dad contorted his face, clearly focusing more on the lock. "Do you absolutely have to see this person tomorrow?"

More like today. "No way around it."

"Where you are meeting this person, are you safe?"

"It's a semi public place."

"Interesting."

"Really?"

A click came from the lock. My dad lifted up his arms in victory. "Yes! I got it!"

"Were you even listening to me?"

"I certainly am. What I would do in that situation is give them a hug."

My dad had clearly lost it. "A hug?"

"Yeah. You aren't in danger if you meet in public and clearly they are in need of some love. Give them a hug. If it's a girl, you give her a big smooch on the cheek. They like that."

"I think we have some consent issues with the kiss."

"Pfff. I think you are way past worrying about consent if a woman is trying to kill you. And besides, who doesn't love a good smooch? How do you think I won over your mom?"

I had to leave after he winked at me. He was not taking this seriously. Then again how could he? My scenario is completely ridiculous. I knew I would come up with something. After I grabbed a poptart from the pantry, I hopped in my car and mindlessly drove to the most awkward school day of my life.

My school wasn't much to look at. A generic brick building that was probably made back in the fifties. The inside was even older looking, except for our chemistry lab. It had a timeless look to it and was kept up well by Mr. Flanders. The sinks at every table were new along with some bunsen burners. It was an open secret that the principal and him were seeing each other, thus why his lab was the newest thing here. There was another rumor that the reason it was so clean was to hide what goes on after hours. I always suspected it wasn't true. I've seen our principal a few times. She was always grumpy.

The school day went by in a blur. All I remember was talking to my pal, Rosco, at lunch and chemistry class at the end of the day. I thought it was a blessing for it to be at the end, but all it did was make me more nervous. The anticipation of it all made my stomach turn. All the possible scenarios swirled in my head. Once I opened the door to the class and saw the look on her face, my worries actually melted away.

Paula was always early and I always came in mere seconds before the bell because my locker was on the far side of the school. It's like the administration was trying to give me a hint or something. That bell, which declared my arrival, prompted her to lift her head up from her textbook she was studying. Her eyes grew two sizes and her jaw almost dropped to the floor. Surprise did not begin to describe her reaction and my relief. She was utterly petrified. I could only imagine what she was thinking. It gave me strength and confidence like no other.

"Hey there Paula. You ready for our chemistry final?"

Her mouth quivered and had difficulty finding words. "Uh…um…um–"

"You okay, Paula? You don't look so good."

"I'm…uh, fine…" Paula said and closed her textbook. She distracted herself by putting her book in her backpack below the table between us. Her head was hidden under the table, giving me a great line. I must have been channeling my inner dad.

"Don't go biting me down there."

She lurched her head up, banging the counter. Mr. Flanders arrived in time to see it and handed our table the exam.

"Are you okay, Paula?" Mr. Flanders asked, sliding an exam to her.

She rubbed her head and tried to smile. "Yes, I'm fine. Just bonked my head a little."

"You gotta protect that head of yours. You're gonna need it for this exam."

"Yes, Mr. Flanders."

He moved on to the next table and Paula didn't dare look up at me. She grabbed her pencil and started her exam. There was no point in talking anymore. I had won this round and oddly enough sounded like my dad. My newfound confidence paid off on my exam as well. I was the first one done with thirty minutes to spare. All I did was flip my exam over and watched Paula take her test.

She held her pencil so tight it almost broke in her grip. Every answer she circled was wobbly, uncertain of the answer. There was no way this exam was breaking her. It was me who was sitting across from her. Not everyday you kill someone and they show up the next morning. I was no vampire, but I imagine it was pretty distracting to her.

My mind started to wander from why she was so nervous to how beautiful she was. Sure, she tried to kill me, but I would be lying if she wasn't the most attractive woman I ever met. Her hair was combed nicely and mostly hid her face from me. I guess my gawking caught the attention of Mr. Flanders or maybe he noticed Paula was uncomfortable because he asked me to leave early so I didn't distract anyone.

He didn't have to tell me twice. Once I got up to leave, Paula's head shot up. I couldn't read her face, but she handed Mr. Flanders her exam and reached for her backpack. There was no way she finished her exam. She had one more page to do. Clearly she wanted to confront me and there was no better time. I opened the door and walked as fast as I could to my locker. There were more classrooms there, which meant more witnesses if she decided to finish the job. The problem was my lack of fitness prevented me from getting too far before her quick feet caught up to me.

"Brendan! Wait! Can you hold up a second?"

I don't know what came over me, but I actually stopped. I guess the middle of the hallway would have to do. At least there would be nowhere for her to run or stuff my body. She rushed over to me while still being careful to keep her distance.

"Can we talk?"

"About what?" I asked, trying to pretend nothing was wrong.

She looked down at the floor and swung her foot gently along it. "About…you know…"

I took a step forward. My heart pounded in my head the closer I got to her. She didn't look up as I approached as if expecting more punishment. It reminded me of when she was face to face with her dad. Paula almost shuddered from how close I was standing. It was painful to watch, but I knew what I could do to fix that.

I kissed her on the cheek. Soft and gentle like a parent would do for their child. She looked up at me, but didn't recoil away in disgust. Her eyes begged me for a reason for my bold move.

"That is the only smack your face ever deserves."

Water welled up in her eyes before she broke down and cried in my chest. I held her, feeling her whole body shake. This was a new experience for me, but naturally I knew what to do. She needed comfort and I was going to give it to her. After what felt like a few minutes, she pulled away and wiped the tears from her eyes.

"Why…why aren't you mad?"

I smirked. "Might be the blood loss. My brain hasn't been working too good ever since."

She laughed. I knew she needed some levity from it all and to be honest I really didn't know why I wasn't mad. I should've been, but I wasn't. Must be genetic. My dad could forgive anyone pretty effortlessly. Maybe I can too.

"So, where do we go from here?"

"You let me take you out on a proper date. All I ask is that you come already full," I said, pulling on my collar.

"After all that I did to you and you know what I am, you still want to go out with me?"

"It depends. Did you mean what you told your mom about me?"

She smiled. "Which part?"

"Wait, there was more? Now you got to tell me."

Paula went up on her tip toes and kissed me. Her fangs pricked my lower lip ever so slightly, but it was a far cry from the pain last night. "I'll tell you tonight. Pick me up at seven?"

"Seven it is," I said. She turned around and I pinched her butt, getting her to jump. Paula turned around, looking a little annoyed, but I wasn't going to let her get away with stealing my blood so easily. "You get to sneak another taste of blood and I get nothing?"

She smirked, realizing there was some equivalency to it. "If I let you pinch me again, can I get another sip?"

"Save it for our date."

"I can't wait," she said, licking her lips.

I was playing with fire, but I didn't care. She was so much more interesting than anyone I had ever met and now we have so much to talk about. There is a whole new world I have never known about, other than what I knew from movies and books, which clearly some of it wasn't true.

And that is the story of how I met my girlfriend. Clearly our first date went well since I am telling this story, but I have much to learn. Vampire/human relations are tricky, but right now it is quite rewarding. Paula is even more amazing than I thought and I'm glad she didn't drain me for all I was worth. Now we just have to convince her parents I'm more than just a tasty sack of blood. Wish us luck tonight!

***

The Hair Snakes

Nothing in life is perfect, even my girlfriend. Don't get me wrong, she is amazing, not to mention: beautiful, intelligent, witty, caring, and eagerly accepts any opportunity to be with me. By all metrics, I have one great gal. There is one problem, her hair hates me. Now you might be asking yourself, her hair? How? Let me explain. 

First, full disclosure, my girlfriend is not your normal, run of the mill woman. She is the definition of exotic. When I first met her, I thought she had cornrows. It was a reasonable assumption, given she said her dad was from Jamaica and she never corrected me when I mentioned it. By our third date though, there was no ignoring the fact her hair certainly moved on its own accord and definitely hissed at me. At that point, she dropped the bomb on me. Her mother was Medusa. 

I always thought Medusa was a myth, but I guess I was wrong. Not only is Medusa real, but she makes a mean moussaka. Sorry, I am getting off subject. You are here to hear about my girlfriend's hair, not her mom's cooking skills. Anyways, back to her hair. 

So, Brianna and I have been dating for a few months, but it seems any time we are not in public, her hair decides to be combative with me. Sometimes they hiss when I approach her, spread out in a menacing way when we are playing pickleball, or simply bite me when we lock lips for a little too long. I guess they are snakes, but come on! Brianna constantly apologizes for her hair's behavior and says they have a mind of their own. It is not fair to either of us, but I think I have an idea on how to fix the problem. I will let you know how it goes.

-Timothy

***

Okay, so I did it. I enacted my plan and I have to say, I think it worked. I think we finally turned a corner. Let me tell you what happened. 

It was late last night and she was cuddled up on the couch listening to an audiobook. Her audiobooks don't bother me and I secretly like listening to them too, but yesterday I told her I needed to focus on some "work" and needed complete silence. She is sweet and was about to turn it off, when I handed her some headphones. Noise cancelling was ideal, because me and her hair were going to have some words. 

Once she donned them, the snakes were ready to let me have it, hissing immediately. I had enough of that and let them know. 

"What is your deal? What did I do to you?"

The snakes all stuck out their tongues and gave me a menacing glare. They swayed back and forth as if searching for the best place to strike me. 

"I know you can talk. Why don't you just tell me what I did?"

"Yousss knows what yous didsss," her hair responded in one voice. 

"I genuinely don't."

"Liesss."

"I'm not lying. If you want an apology, I apologize, but please tell me what I did," I said.

"Whyss should wess?"

I stepped toward them. "Because I'm not going anywhere. I care about Brianna too much. I want to bury the hatchet, so tell me what I have to do and I'll do it. Please."

They pondered how to respond to my statement, each of their heads all looking at each other, silently communicating with their tongues before turning back to me. It took them so long to answer, I knew they were conflicted about something.

"Youss called us cornrowsss."

"Excuse me?" I said, confused by their statement. 

"Wess don't likess yousss because yousss called us cornrowsss. Wess have a namess!"

And that was the moment it hit me, those snakes weren't just something attached to her, they were another being altogether. It took me too long to figure that out, but I made my apology count. 

"Oh…I'm truly sorry. When Brianna said you had a mind of your own, I didn't realize you were literally another being, but I really should have. Can you forgive me?"

"Maybe…"

"Then at least tell me your name."

"Cassie."

I slowly extended my hand to them, palm up and fingers spread out. "It's nice to meet you, Cassie. I'm Timothy, the brain dead ape who should have treated you with respect from the beginning."

I was half expecting to get bit, but I played my hand. It was all up to them to either accept my apology or not. Instead of getting death by a thousand snake bites, they slithered between my fingers and around my hand. It was actually quite pleasant.

Naturally though, Brianna was going to notice I was standing so close to her when I said I needed to do "work." She took off her headphones and smiled up at me.

"Hey, are you finally getting along with my hair?" Brianna asked.

"Excuse me, they have a name. Cassie," I said and smiled at the snakes who continued to slither all over my hand. 

"Are you done with work then?"

"I think for tonight. Do you mind if I listen in?"

She threw the headphones aside and made room for me on the couch. The rest of the night we held each other and I rested my hand on Cassie. Cassie never bit me or hissed and fell asleep in no time. It was the best night I had with Brianna and I have a feeling there will be many more to come. Wish me luck!

-Timothy aka The Snake Charmer

Obsession

"I can't believe it." Billy scrolled through the never ending pictures of himself on his crush's phone. "She's...obsessed with me.”

"BS,” Devin said, trying to grab the phone away from him. 

Billy moved down a seat at the cafeteria table. "I'm serious."

"If you were so serious, why are you hiding the proof from me?”

"I don't want you wreaking her phone," Billy said, tapping on a picture of himself getting dressed in his room. He turned it toward Devin, careful to keep the phone out of his friend's reach. "See?”

"You never said you two hung out?"

"We never have."

Devin grabbed the apple off of Billy's lunch tray. "So how did she get a picture of you inside your own house?"

"Not sure, but does it matter? Clearly she is into me."

"Maybe a little too much into you, don't you think?" Devin said, crunching into his apple.

"Nonsense. She's just–"

"A stalker," Devin interrupted.

"She is not."

"I call it how I see it.”

"Well not for long. I'm asking her out," Billy said, placing the phone on the table.

"That's a really bad idea, but then again, so was stealing her phone. Maybe I'm wrong though and you two are meant to be with each other." Devin threw the half eaten apple at Billy. 

"You're just jealous Sandra doesn't give you the time of day," Billy said, putting the phone in his pocket and picking up the apple. 

"Sandra at least respects my privacy."

"She sure does. Gives you plenty of space."

"Rather have a woman not interested in me than...whatever that is," Devin said, gesturing to Billy's pocket.

Billy ignored him, taking his tray and walking to the other side of the cafeteria. The dull grey tiles squeaked under his shoe, yet drew no attention from the rest of the students eating and joking at the other tables. He was on a mission. To ask out Jeanie. Confidence was not in short supply as he marched up to her table. The two girls Jeanie was sitting with got up to dump their trays, leaving Billy the perfect opportunity to enact his plan.

"Hey there Jeanie."

"Hey Billy. How's it going?" Jeanie said, playing with her ponytail. 

"It's going well. Say, I think I found your phone,” Billy said, taking out the phone from his pocket.

"Oh my gosh! I have been looking everywhere for it. Thank you so much, Billy. You are such a great guy."

Billy handed her the phone. "Well I think you are a great gal."

Jeanie blushed and held her phone close to her chest, partially hiding the ACDC logo on her shirt. Billy leaned in closer, causing her to gaze into his hazel eyes. 

"I like your shirt. Maybe I could take you to see them sometime? Say this Saturday?" Billy asked in a soothing voice that he himself didn't know he possessed.

"I...I would like that Billy," Jeanie said, not breaking eye contact with him. 

"Great. I'll pick you up at eight," Billy said and walked away. 

Jeanie watched him walk away with the stride of a runway model. She bit her lip trying not to squeal out of excitement. Once he was out of sight, she quickly unlocked her phone and was greeted with an enlarged picture of Billy getting dressed. A maniacal grin stretched across her face. 

"Billy Kennedy McGuire. I got you right where I want you.”

What a Date!

Quiet conversations blended together with the soothing sound of the piano that played in the middle of the dimly lit room. A waiter weaved between the tables in his darker than black suit and bow tie, arriving at a table of two who were lost in each other’s eyes.

“Lobster Thermidor and Lamb Shank,” the waiter said, placing their meals in front of them.

“Thank you. If it isn’t too much trouble, can we get another glass of wine for the lady?” the man asked the waiter.

“Certainly Sir,” the waiter said and left them.

The woman took her napkin and placed it over her lap, to protect her scarlet dress. “Kenneth, if I didn’t know any better you are trying to get me drunk?”

“Of course not. I saw that your glass is getting low and the lobster is best with something red.”

The woman swirled the wine in her glass and downed it in one fast shot, staring straight into his brown eyes after, which dilated for a split second.

“You didn’t expect me to do that, did you?” she said, brushing her light brown hair away from her ear, revealing a dangling diamond earring.

“You are full of surprises, Gwen.”

“You have no idea.”

They had just begun to take their first bites, before three masked men with guns started slinking in from the far side of the room. Silverware clattered against plates and a woman screamed upon seeing the armed men. The music stopped and before people could scatter a gunshot went off.

“Everybody stay where you are! If you run, you die!” one of the masked men said.

The other two weaved around the tables, clearly looking for someone in particular. Kenneth drew his Walther PPK from his jacket while Gwen drew her Glock from her purse when the two masked men got close. The two masked men pointed their guns at them, surprised that two civilians would be armed at such a fancy place.

“Drop your weapons. I would hate to ruin a perfectly good date on the count of you two,” Kenneth said.

“He said drop them, scumbags!” Gwen said, standing up and toward the armed men with purpose.

Kenneth did a double take, realizing she was armed. “Gwen, you have a gun?”

“I was going to ask you the same thing?”

“I live a dangerous life. Fine art collections can get a little...complicated, but you? Do you even work for the State Department?”

“I thought it was obvious. Every spy who ever lived says they work for the State Department. Haven’t you watched a movie?” Gwen responded.

“I figured that was only in the movies. And that spies in real life wouldn’t be so drop dead gorgeous,” Kenneth said, a little frantic.

Before Gwen could fawn over Kenneth’s charming words, a gunshot went off behind them along with more feminine screams. Kenneth and Gwen turned their heads around to see the third mask man standing next to a large bald man who was slumped over the table, blood seeping into the white tablecloth.

“He’s dead. Let’s go!” the masked man said, taking a picture with his phone to confirm the kill.

By the time Kenneth and Gwen turned their heads back to their more immediate threat, two more gunshots went off. They both fell to the floor, holding their stomachs’. The three masked men ran off, leaving Kenneth and Gwen on the floor, laying on their side facing each other.

“I...didn’t expect the date to end like this,” Kenneth said, coughing up blood.

“Me neither,” Gwen said, straining from the pain.

“If we get out of this...I would like...to see you again.”

“Me too.”

Kenneth slid his hand across the floor, smearing blood in the carpet. She grabbed onto his hand with a weak grip. A crowd of people surrounded them while someone dialed 911. The waiter kneeled beside them to render aid.

“I see we have a couple of heroes. I hope you two learned your lesson,” the waiter said, putting pressure on Kenneth’s wound.

“What was that supposed to be?” Kenneth asked, straining from the pain.

“Don’t be a hero? I thought it was obvious.”

Fiance Cookie

"I can't believe she brought...him to supper," George said with a huff.

"George, be nice," Sally said, putting her hands on her hips.

"Be nice? That feller ruined our lives once already."

"I'm sure he didn't mean to?"

"I had to beg for my job after what he did at the company party. He ate everything."

"But our daughter loves him. So you be good to him."

George peeked his head around the corner from the kitchen. His glowing blonde haired daughter sat at the table like a flower fawning at the sun. Next to her was the furry blue muppet himself, Cookie Monster. He laughed at her joke and reached into the white bowl on the table for another cookie. George's blood vessels almost popped as he gazed upon the Cookie Monster's delight. Sally pulled him away and pushed a white bowl in his stomach, filled to the brim with cookies.

Sally glared at George. "Be nice."

George grunted and brought out the bowl of cookies. 

"Cookies!" The Cookie Monster said.

"...yes...cookies." George threw the bowl on the table next to the other bowl and sat down across from him.

"Thanks Daddy!" Megan said.

Sally walked in with four plates of steaming salmon. The aroma floated around the room, warming everyone from head to toe with one sniff. 

"Mmmh! Mrs. Walven that smells delicious," Cookie Monster said.

"Why thank you dear. Please call me Sally."

"Will do Sally–"

"So, you two are getting married?" George interrupted.

Megan held Cookie Monster's arm and nuzzled his shoulder. Cookie Monster patted her arm with his free hand.

"Yes. Cookie Monster love Megan so much I could eat her up. Nom nomomomom," he said pretending to eat her belly. Megan giggled like a kid, her smile more radiant than the sun. A crack came from George's hands from under the table and he gritted his teeth.

"Oh Darling, isn't that sweet?" Sally said to George.

George nodded, unable to look away from his enemy. He was transfixed on Cookie Monster's open mouth, still filled with crumbs.

"Are you gonna grace us with some grandkids?" Sally said to Megan.

"We're thinking about it. We're in no rush right now. Not even married yet," Megan said, smiling at Cookie Monster. 

"Cookie Monster still no go by the taco. Get too distracted by these two cookies," he said, holding Megan's breasts.

George stood up from the table and grabbed the bowl of cookies.

"I'll show you some cookies," George said and leaped across the table, thrusting the bowl over Cookie Monster's head. George fell on top of Cookie Monster, smashing the chair and landing on the floor. George held the bowl over his head while the Cookie Monster's arms flailed around.

"Daddy! Stop!" Megan screamed and tried to pull him off. Sally came around the other side and tried to help Megan. George was entrenched, unable to be lifted off as he continued to smother Cookie Monster. Crumbs poured around his blue body until Cookie Monster's blue arms went limp. 

"Cookie Monster!" Megan yelled into her hands. 

George snapped out of his rage and removed the bowl from Cookie Monster. He laid motionless under George, cookies overflowing around his mouth. A smile sneaked across George's face. Nobody was going to eat his daughter's cookies. Especially not this bastard.

Life and Death Go On A Date

A chill filled the air and brought with it the echoes of the undead yearning to return to the land of the living. Death was pushing a rotten head down, trying to return it to the patch of wet ground it had sprouted up from.

"Push it down!" Life said, holding her lantern up.

"I'm trying!" Death said, still struggling to push the zombie under the ground.

The zombie's arms were flailing about until it grabbed Death's pristine cloak, pulling him into the dirt.

"No, Death!" Life said, running to his aid.

"No! Don't!" Death said.

She ran to the tombstone and pushed it over. Death rolled to the side and the tombstone crushed the zombie with a muted crack. He got up to his feet and brushed the dirt off his cloak, almost slinging mud on her blue and white dress.

"I thought you were going to touch the ground again." 

"I learned my lesson. Don't touch cemetery ground. Check."

Death chuckled and shook his head.

"I didn't realize you could reanimate the dead," Death said.

"I didn't either. I guess I'm full of surprises."

"So...what do you think?"

"About what?"

He gestures to the rows of tombstones. "About this."

"I have never been to a cemetery before. My mother never really approved of such a place and it's not exactly a normal spot you ask a date out to."

"Oh…"

"But I'm glad you brought me. It is peaceful...besides the zombies."

"It really is...Hey, I want to show you something."

Death took her hand and led her past the rows of graves to a small stone circle in the center of the grounds. His hand was still wet, but she didn't care. It was the most assertive he had been all night and she was curious to learn what made him tick. The stone circle had text engraved into it from a language she did not recognize.

"What is it?"

"I'll show you." He stood on top of it and it started to glow green.

"Woah."

"Come on. The best part is standing on it. It feels good."

She walked to it and tripped on the edge. Death caught her before she touched the ground. 

"Watch your step.”

She looked into his eyes and saw something she didn't notice before. A kindness, soft and gentle. His white eyes looked more like puffy clouds than the soulless void she saw earlier at dinner. He stood her up and she immediately felt a tickling sensation run up her legs.

She giggled. "It tickles."

"Yeah it does. Whenever I'm in the mortal world I come here to relax. Get away from the hustle and bustle of death."

"Aren't the dead...you know. Dead."

"Not in my experience. On the other side I get to deal with who you saw earlier. Dead people after death are a wild bunch. Lot of work. But here. They are peaceful and at ease."

"That's fascinating. I always figured when people die they stopped living."

"No. They just torment me...that's actually why I wanted to go out with you tonight. To thank you.”

"For what? Taking away your job?"

"Every person you save is another second of rest I get. I wouldn't even be here if you weren't so good at your job. You're pretty amazing to take more on just so I can enjoy things like this. Like going out with a beautiful woman.”

Her cheeks turned scarlet and patted her skirt down. "You think I'm beautiful?"

"Life is the most beautiful thing in the world. Without you there would be nothing. I would be nothing."

Life stood inches away from him, eating up every word. She leaned in close before a shockwave shot out from the stone they were on. Green smoke rose from the dirt and the moans of the undead surrounded them. 

"Uh oh," Life said, looking down at her bare foot on the stone. 

"That can't be good."

Zombie arms punched out of the ground and their cries became louder as they emerged. Death's mouth dropped. He could feel his father's rage banging inside his head. His stomach turned thinking about breakfast with him tomorrow.

"Look on the bright side. You have less work to do now.”