Vampire Crush

I was the luckiest guy in school. Paula Jenson, the prettiest girl in school, asked me out. Me, Brendan Jasper, the overweight nerd with a shirt pocket full of pens, out on a date. Well, it wasn't a date. It was just to hangout at her place, but her parents weren't home. Sounded like a date to me. Little did I know what was all planned for the evening. 

When I got there, I was super nervous. I was sweaty and my face was as red as a lobster. It must have been a turn on, because when she opened the door to greet me, she was practically salivating. No woman had ever looked at me like I was a tasty meal. Usually they looked at me with disgust or contempt. Paula was different. She genuinely wanted me. I could tell by how her blue eyes sparkled, staring deep through my very soul. Her blonde hair was done up, held together by a black hair scrunchie. She was even wearing a nice sundress, which was much different than her normal, albeit more sexy, skinny jeans and Hollister top. It meant I was important enough to dress up for, or at least that's how I took it. My confidence grew by the second and she pulled me inside. Wow, she was eager. 

First, Paula gave me a tour of her folks place, which was quite something. Victorian era everything from the furniture to the wallpaper. It even had a study full of books that made our school library look pathetic by comparison. I could've stayed in the dreamland of books forever, but alas, my lady wanted me elsewhere. Her bedroom.

"Sit down and make yourself comfortable. I'm going to make us some tea," Paula said after ushering me in her room and taking off again down the stairs.

I sat there awkwardly in her plain looking room wondering what to do. She brought me to her room, but I had no idea how to proceed. Did she want to talk in private or was she insinuating something else? I didn't want to misstep anywhere and screw it up. After all, a guy like me would be lucky to even be in the same hemisphere as her. In no time, she came back with two cups of piping hot tea. 

When I took the cup from her, I felt her hands were still cold. When she was pulling me around the manor, I thought for sure she just had poor circulation. My hands were almost on fire from holding the cup of tea, but she walked it up here without a yelp or a yip. 

I had to put it down on her dresser so my hands didn't melt off. "Wow this is hot. How can you handle it?"

"I guess I just don't feel it," she took a sip, not breaking eye contact from me. 

"You have a wonderful home. How long have you lived here?"

"All my life that I can remember. My family has owned it for generations. I saw you really liked my dad's study."

"It is remarkable! Has he read all of those books?"

"We all have."

Beauty and brains. "Wow! What is your favorite one?"

"I can't really pick one. Classic stories like Dracula and Frankenstein come to mind. Their renditions are a bit inaccurate, but still entertaining." She put her cup down next to mine and sat next to me on the couch. Her hand slowly snaked closer to my thigh. "Lately though, I have found a lot of pleasure in anatomy."

I gulped. Not like a silent gulp, but like a loud one she definitely heard. A smile grew on her face, undeterred by my now stiff neck. I thought I would be excited having her come on to me, but in the moment I was terrified. Her cold hand rubbed my jeans while her foot pulled my sock off. It was moving too fast and I had to say something.

"Um…Paula. Are you sure we should–" I said before her finger touched my mouth. 

"Shhh. You haven't even heard what my favorite body part is."

"Um…I think I can take a guess."

She leaned and whispered into my ear. "Veins."

"Wait…what?" I asked, but my answer was given far too quickly. 

In an instant, she sunk her fangs into my neck. I had given blood before, but this was on another level. It felt like extra large needles rammed into my neck. My blood left my body like water from a water hose or at least it felt like that. I tried to roll on top of her, but she dug in deeper. The pain was way worse when I moved and I became lightheaded. It wasn't long until I was in and out of consciousness.

What I remember right after that was blurry. She kept taking breaks and playing with my hair. Whenever I would start to move, she would dig in again. After the fourth time, she looked more panicked than excited. Next thing I know, I was wrapped up in a tarp and dragged around her house. Once we got to the stairs, she knocked me out on one of the steps. When I woke up, it was dark and I could feel something cold and heavy on top of me.

The tarp had me constrained fairly well, but my pens came in handy. I was able to wiggle one to my hand and cut open the tarp. It took some effort, but I shimmied my way out of tarp and pushed the dirt off me. She tried to bury me alive in a shallow grave. Crazy did not begin to describe it all. My crush was a vampire who tried to bury me like a dog bone.

There was no reason to stick around and my car was in front of the house still. I made a dash for it, when I saw headlights pulling in the driveway. Her parents were home and if she was a vampire, I bet the parents were too. Before the lights shined on me, I dove into the bushes next to the house window. The clunk of the doors closing made me jump, thinking they knew I was there. I had to listen carefully to know the best time to make a break for it. The door creaked open and closed and it wasn't a second when I heard her dad speak…or rather yell.

"What the hell is this!" Paula's dad said.

I heard footsteps rushing down the stairs and wanted to make a break for it, but I wanted them farther away from the door I would inevitably need to pass.

"Mother. Father…what are you doing home so soon?" Paula's voice was timid and almost scared.

"Do you mind telling me why our floor has blood smears on it?" Paula's dad took a few more steps and lost it. "Good God Paula! Even the stairs are a mess!"

"I'm sorry. I was going to clean it up–" Paula began before getting a slap to the face. 

She tumbled to the ground and her head bounced against the banister. How did I know this? Once I heard the smack of his hand I shot straight up staring into the window. Her dad was standing over her in a black suit, seething with rage while Paula covered her cheek and cried. Even though she tried to kill me, I felt sorry for her. She didn't deserve that. No one deserved to be abused, no matter what they did. I was going to intervene, but then I remembered, they are vampires and I am probably one pint away from death. All I could do was watch. 

"Get up." 

Paula did as she was told, but was unable to look her dad in the eye. It worked out in my favor, since if she looked up, I would be done for. 

"I'm sorry, Father. I–"

"I don't want to hear your excuses. You defiled our home. Even humans know better to only eat at the dining table. You will clean this up before you go to bed. Is that understood?"

She nodded. 

"Good." Her dad marched off and Paula's mom came over to comfort her. And I would be remiss if I didn't comment on her gorgeous evening gown. Ruby red dress leaving her supple back exposed. Easy to see where Paula got her good looks from.

"It's okay, dear. Nothing that can't be fixed." Paula's mom reassured her. "Did you at least get rid of the body?"

"Yes, mother."

Her mom took a sniff. "Hmmm. Smells like a boy. Was he cute?"

"Kinda," she said, but her blush gave her away. I had no idea vampires could blush. I also had no idea vampires existed until then. I had a lot of questions.

"You're blushing. How long ago did you eat?"

"There was so much, you wouldn't believe it. I am still full, I couldn't even finish."

Her mom smirked and glanced up the stairs. "Oh, I would believe it. Why don't we go upstairs and get something to clean this up?"

They both went up the stairs and I took that as my cue to get the hell out of there. The trick was turning on my car without being heard or seen. I quietly ran to my car and not a creak came from my door. Thank God! I made sure to manually switch off the lights and sat in my car for a second, wondering how I was going to pull this off. Cars aren't silent and sometimes mine had a tendency to not start on the first attempt. 

"Please baby, work for me. I beg of you," I whispered to my steering wheel and turned the key. It whined for a second and turned over with a full roar. "Yes!"

I backed up slowly out of the driveway. My heart was pounding in my chest. I was about to escape undiscovered when her dad opened the door. Out of reflex, I turned on my lights to blind him and turned off onto the main road behind me. At this point there was no hiding my escape, so I peeled out of there as fast as I could. I thought for sure I would get into a chase or something, but all he did was shake his head as if I was some random kid pulling shitties in the parking lot. It was a small relief, but a new terror entered my mind. How was school going to turn out tomorrow?

***

The next morning did not come soon enough. I had nightmares whenever I started to actually fall asleep. My blankets felt more like wet wipes, but it beat being buried alive with a tarp for a forever blanket. The whole time I kept thinking, what am I going to do about Paula? She tried to kill me. Shouldn't I tell the police? It was a serious consideration when I got home yesterday, but I thought about it. No one would believe me and if they did, any evidence would be cleaned up.

What else could I do? I still had to go to school. I had a final in chemistry that I could not miss, even though Paula sits across from me in class. There was no avoiding her. I needed advice, so after I got dressed with something that would hide the bite marks, I went to see my dad. He was always a good listener and occasionally gave good advice.

My dad was in the garage, as he was every morning, working on picking a new lock. It was his morning ritual before heading off to his real job, which if I am being honest, I didn't know what he did. He jumped around jobs so much, it was hard to keep track. When I knocked on the door, he spun in his chair, beaming like my little sister Jeanie after beating us all in mini golf.

"Brendan, come in. I'm almost done with this one," he said and returned his focus on his lock.

"Um…dad can we talk?"

He didn't take his eyes off the lock. "Of course, what's on your mind son?"

"I was wondering if you could help me out with a hypothetical."

"I certainly can. What is it?"

"So…what would you do if someone tried to kill you and thought they succeeded, but they didn't, and you have to see them the next day?"

"That is tricky." My dad contorted his face, clearly focusing more on the lock. "Do you absolutely have to see this person tomorrow?"

More like today. "No way around it."

"Where you are meeting this person, are you safe?"

"It's a semi public place."

"Interesting."

"Really?"

A click came from the lock. My dad lifted up his arms in victory. "Yes! I got it!"

"Were you even listening to me?"

"I certainly am. What I would do in that situation is give them a hug."

My dad had clearly lost it. "A hug?"

"Yeah. You aren't in danger if you meet in public and clearly they are in need of some love. Give them a hug. If it's a girl, you give her a big smooch on the cheek. They like that."

"I think we have some consent issues with the kiss."

"Pfff. I think you are way past worrying about consent if a woman is trying to kill you. And besides, who doesn't love a good smooch? How do you think I won over your mom?"

I had to leave after he winked at me. He was not taking this seriously. Then again how could he? My scenario is completely ridiculous. I knew I would come up with something. After I grabbed a poptart from the pantry, I hopped in my car and mindlessly drove to the most awkward school day of my life.

My school wasn't much to look at. A generic brick building that was probably made back in the fifties. The inside was even older looking, except for our chemistry lab. It had a timeless look to it and was kept up well by Mr. Flanders. The sinks at every table were new along with some bunsen burners. It was an open secret that the principal and him were seeing each other, thus why his lab was the newest thing here. There was another rumor that the reason it was so clean was to hide what goes on after hours. I always suspected it wasn't true. I've seen our principal a few times. She was always grumpy.

The school day went by in a blur. All I remember was talking to my pal, Rosco, at lunch and chemistry class at the end of the day. I thought it was a blessing for it to be at the end, but all it did was make me more nervous. The anticipation of it all made my stomach turn. All the possible scenarios swirled in my head. Once I opened the door to the class and saw the look on her face, my worries actually melted away.

Paula was always early and I always came in mere seconds before the bell because my locker was on the far side of the school. It's like the administration was trying to give me a hint or something. That bell, which declared my arrival, prompted her to lift her head up from her textbook she was studying. Her eyes grew two sizes and her jaw almost dropped to the floor. Surprise did not begin to describe her reaction and my relief. She was utterly petrified. I could only imagine what she was thinking. It gave me strength and confidence like no other.

"Hey there Paula. You ready for our chemistry final?"

Her mouth quivered and had difficulty finding words. "Uh…um…um–"

"You okay, Paula? You don't look so good."

"I'm…uh, fine…" Paula said and closed her textbook. She distracted herself by putting her book in her backpack below the table between us. Her head was hidden under the table, giving me a great line. I must have been channeling my inner dad.

"Don't go biting me down there."

She lurched her head up, banging the counter. Mr. Flanders arrived in time to see it and handed our table the exam.

"Are you okay, Paula?" Mr. Flanders asked, sliding an exam to her.

She rubbed her head and tried to smile. "Yes, I'm fine. Just bonked my head a little."

"You gotta protect that head of yours. You're gonna need it for this exam."

"Yes, Mr. Flanders."

He moved on to the next table and Paula didn't dare look up at me. She grabbed her pencil and started her exam. There was no point in talking anymore. I had won this round and oddly enough sounded like my dad. My newfound confidence paid off on my exam as well. I was the first one done with thirty minutes to spare. All I did was flip my exam over and watched Paula take her test.

She held her pencil so tight it almost broke in her grip. Every answer she circled was wobbly, uncertain of the answer. There was no way this exam was breaking her. It was me who was sitting across from her. Not everyday you kill someone and they show up the next morning. I was no vampire, but I imagine it was pretty distracting to her.

My mind started to wander from why she was so nervous to how beautiful she was. Sure, she tried to kill me, but I would be lying if she wasn't the most attractive woman I ever met. Her hair was combed nicely and mostly hid her face from me. I guess my gawking caught the attention of Mr. Flanders or maybe he noticed Paula was uncomfortable because he asked me to leave early so I didn't distract anyone.

He didn't have to tell me twice. Once I got up to leave, Paula's head shot up. I couldn't read her face, but she handed Mr. Flanders her exam and reached for her backpack. There was no way she finished her exam. She had one more page to do. Clearly she wanted to confront me and there was no better time. I opened the door and walked as fast as I could to my locker. There were more classrooms there, which meant more witnesses if she decided to finish the job. The problem was my lack of fitness prevented me from getting too far before her quick feet caught up to me.

"Brendan! Wait! Can you hold up a second?"

I don't know what came over me, but I actually stopped. I guess the middle of the hallway would have to do. At least there would be nowhere for her to run or stuff my body. She rushed over to me while still being careful to keep her distance.

"Can we talk?"

"About what?" I asked, trying to pretend nothing was wrong.

She looked down at the floor and swung her foot gently along it. "About…you know…"

I took a step forward. My heart pounded in my head the closer I got to her. She didn't look up as I approached as if expecting more punishment. It reminded me of when she was face to face with her dad. Paula almost shuddered from how close I was standing. It was painful to watch, but I knew what I could do to fix that.

I kissed her on the cheek. Soft and gentle like a parent would do for their child. She looked up at me, but didn't recoil away in disgust. Her eyes begged me for a reason for my bold move.

"That is the only smack your face ever deserves."

Water welled up in her eyes before she broke down and cried in my chest. I held her, feeling her whole body shake. This was a new experience for me, but naturally I knew what to do. She needed comfort and I was going to give it to her. After what felt like a few minutes, she pulled away and wiped the tears from her eyes.

"Why…why aren't you mad?"

I smirked. "Might be the blood loss. My brain hasn't been working too good ever since."

She laughed. I knew she needed some levity from it all and to be honest I really didn't know why I wasn't mad. I should've been, but I wasn't. Must be genetic. My dad could forgive anyone pretty effortlessly. Maybe I can too.

"So, where do we go from here?"

"You let me take you out on a proper date. All I ask is that you come already full," I said, pulling on my collar.

"After all that I did to you and you know what I am, you still want to go out with me?"

"It depends. Did you mean what you told your mom about me?"

She smiled. "Which part?"

"Wait, there was more? Now you got to tell me."

Paula went up on her tip toes and kissed me. Her fangs pricked my lower lip ever so slightly, but it was a far cry from the pain last night. "I'll tell you tonight. Pick me up at seven?"

"Seven it is," I said. She turned around and I pinched her butt, getting her to jump. Paula turned around, looking a little annoyed, but I wasn't going to let her get away with stealing my blood so easily. "You get to sneak another taste of blood and I get nothing?"

She smirked, realizing there was some equivalency to it. "If I let you pinch me again, can I get another sip?"

"Save it for our date."

"I can't wait," she said, licking her lips.

I was playing with fire, but I didn't care. She was so much more interesting than anyone I had ever met and now we have so much to talk about. There is a whole new world I have never known about, other than what I knew from movies and books, which clearly some of it wasn't true.

And that is the story of how I met my girlfriend. Clearly our first date went well since I am telling this story, but I have much to learn. Vampire/human relations are tricky, but right now it is quite rewarding. Paula is even more amazing than I thought and I'm glad she didn't drain me for all I was worth. Now we just have to convince her parents I'm more than just a tasty sack of blood. Wish us luck tonight!

***

Government Conspiracy TV

"Alright, which one of you motherfuckers did it?" Carver said, barging through the doors of the conference room. Around the elongated oval table were several men and a woman. They all wore the same generic black business suits, but had different colored ties. Their heads turned away from the TV at the back concrete wall and gave Carver the attention he demanded.

"Did what?" Yamir asked. 

Carver ignored Yamir and inspected the others for any signs of guilt, pride, or anything in-between. His anger made him sharper, unlike most people, but as the seconds went by, it was clear they all were confused by his outburst.

"None of you know? Are you shitting me right now?"

"Carver, have you eaten anything today? You know how you get when you're hungry," Malory said in a motherly tone, almost unable to keep a straight face by the end. The guys all got a laugh out of it, since it wasn't the first time Carver had acted like a child. 

Carver gritted his teeth and marched up to the table. He took the remote and changed the channel. On the screen, it showed a man with short black hair wearing a business suit in the middle of a dark woods. He held a handgun to a dodo bird's head and said: "You're extinct now, motherclucker."

"He looks like you Carver, except much better looking," Dan said and elbowed another coworker. 

"That's because it is me. I was on that job last week. Eliminate the last remaining dodo bird. Do you not read the assignment board?"

"This is just a show." Yamir shrugged. "What's the big deal?"

"What is the big deal? Oh, I'll tell you. That is exactly how it went down. The location, the bird–"

"The stupid punchline?" Dan added, getting a few laughs. 

"Yes. Everything. Whoever is making this show is airing our operations. Does no one see a problem with that?" Carver pointed at the screen with the remote. "It even says reenactment on the bottom!"

"Calm down, Carver. Clearly the writers have a vivid imagination and happened to get some details right. It's nothing to worry about," Malory said.

The screen changed to the host of the show, who reminded them of the guy from Unsolved Mysteries. "These shadow agencies operate in the dark of night so the people do not see their deeds. Maybe they do it to protect us? Or maybe to cover up their crimes? For this next one, we follow a shadow operative who tries to take out her next target, a vampire."

Malory swiped the remote from Carver. "I don't think we need to see this…"

Malory struggled with changing the channel on the remote and Carver took it back from her. 

"You need to see this. It will prove I am not exaggerating," Carver said and turned up the volume. 

The next clip showed a woman with flawless brown hair and an equally flowing purple dress. She walked up a Victorian set of stairs at a party. Couples and other groups were drinking champagne and conversing with one another. The woman walked past a elderly couple who were discussing global politics to find her target. Count Bogdan. 

Count Bogdan had the classic features of the region. Thick black hair, tall and slender. His pale skin proved sunlight was not his friend. The woman approached him at the top of the balcony and leaned against the wooden banister. 

"Hey is that you Malory?" Dan jested. "You sure cleanup nice."

"That's not me. I–I don't wear dresses..." Malory said, letting her nerves leak through her tone. 

Back on the TV, the actors captured their attention once again. 

"Malory, so we meet again," Count Bogdan said and raised his glass. 

"I just wanted to come by and congratulate you on the fundraiser. And your speech was amazing."

"Why thank you, my dear. You are so kind." He took a sip of his drink. "If I had half your beauty though, I am sure we could have set some kind of fundraising record."

Malory tilted her head and closed the gap between them. She batted her eyes up at him, feeling lighter with every second. "You really think I'm beautiful?"

"Most definitely. You remind me of a full moon. Unmistakable and bold. Generously warming us with your glowing light."

She put her hand on his chest and leaned in to whisper in his ear. "How would you like to bask in something else?"

The men in the conference room jeered and hollered, forcing Malory to defend her reputation. 

"This is just a show. She doesn't even look anything like me," Malory said, clenching her jaw.

"But you were on the operation to kill that vampire, right?" Yamir asked.

"Yeah, I remember that case got sealed. How did it end?" Dan asked.

"I guess we'll have to find out." Carver crossed his arms, still watching the TV. 

Malory was starting to sweat now. The dialogue was verbatim, but she didn't want to admit it. Her reputation as one of the guys was fading fast. If she turned it off now, they would certainly be teasing her with kissy faces all month. If she didn't… well she was hoping the show didn't get the rest right.

"I would," Count Bogdan said, taking in her wonderful rosemary scent. "Shall we adjourn to my study?"

"Lead the way."

Count Bogdan led her to a room down a short hall. Inside, a lamp hung above, illuminating a wooden desk and a modest bookshelf. Two glasses and a bottle of scotch sat on the table along with a few loose papers. 

"Would you like some scotch?"

"Sure," Malory said and waited for him to turn his back. With him distracted, she reached down to her leg and removed a silver knife that was strapped to her. She lurked behind him, searching for the perfect spot to stab him. The point of the blade wavered inches from his torso.

"Would you like one or–" Count Bogdan said and turned around, only to have his words cut short from the blade being plunged into his gut. 

"You almost had me. I could feel your powers of seduction working, but you aren't as good as you think." Malory pulled the blade out, revealing blood. 

"I'm not a vampire." 

Those were Count Bogdan's last shocked words before he toppled on the floor and blood drained from the sleek hole in his body. 

The conference room was quiet and everyone turned to Malory who was frozen with shame. She wanted to run away. Hide where no one could see her failure, but it was not an option. Then, without warning, everyone except Carver broke into laughter.

"She can't tell the difference between magical powers and her own feelings? Ha, classic Malory," Dan said, shaking the guy next to him.

Malory was seconds from tears when Carver broke through the noise.

"Damn it!" Carver said and turned off the TV. "I guess I was wrong."

"What are you talking about?"

"That's not how that mission went. I was there, right Malory?" Carver asked. 

Malroy knew he was lying. He wasn't assigned to her mission and it was dead on. Not a detail was out of place, but he was giving her an out. She was going to take it. 

"I told you. I don't wear dresses. And as for this Count, not even close to resembling the vampire I took out. The only thing they got right was a silver blade. Amateurs," Malory said.

"Boo! Way to waste our time, Carver," Dan said and walked to the doors. "I'm going to get some lunch, who wants sushi?" 

"Are you buying?" Yamir asked.

"The government is buying," he said holding up his government issued credit card. 

The rest of the guys all talked over each other and followed him out, leaving Carver and Malory to talk. 

"Thanks for covering for me," Malory said, offering a weak smile while she adjusted her pink tie.

"Anytime." Carver smiled and pulled out his suppressed Glock from his shoulder holster. "Now how about we go down to that studio and fix this PR problem?"

"Lead the way."

An Oath of Death

The wind howled outside, twirling the wind chimes hanging by the window. A frail woman laid on the worn couch, pale as milk. Her blue eyes were transfixed on the metal chimes that were barely hanging on to life, much like her own situation. The only difference was she wasn't alone and the wind was her own doing. 

"Please drink it," Kevin begged, holding a blood bag in his hand. He kneeled next to her, parting her greying hair. 

"I won't."

"Please. Dalilah, you need to drink something."

"I made a promise. And I won't break my promise."

Kevin sighed. "Why do you have to be so difficult?"

"You knew I was difficult when you married me."

"But this is so excessive. It's not like you're going around town draining everybody. I'm giving you my blood."

She sat up. "And I told you I won't drink it."

"Why did you make that vow? You at least owe me that."

"No, I don't."

Kevin shot to his feet and stomped on the ground. "Dammit woman! I won't let you starve yourself to death!"

Dalilah did not react outwardly to his sudden outburst. His face had tears running down and his eyes were piercing. She knew time was running out for her and he could sense it as well. Her heart ached, torn between her husband and her bond. She couldn't satisfy both, but he wasn't going to back down without an answer.

"Fine," Dalilah said. Kevin tossed her the blood bag and she let it land on her stomach. "I'll tell you why I won't drink your blood."

His scowl appeared in an instant, but he said nothing, letting her have the floor. 

"Do you remember that night you passed out–"

"You aren't serious? I didn't pass out because of that. I was dehydrated. You can't blame yourself for that," Kevin said, ready to argue her point.

"No. The problem was I loved your blood. More than I thought I could. It was like drinking your very essence. Your loving soul and your tender heart."

"Yesh, next your gonna say it was better than sex." Dalilah didn't say anything, causing his jaw to drop. "What?"

She laughed. Dalilah found it amazing how her man could go from crying to petrified in seconds. There was a temptation to let his mouth stay there a little longer, but he needed some reassurance. "I know. It's that good. And that was the problem. I don't think the next time I will be able to say no to more. So I deny myself. Because I love you."

"You can have more. I just don't want you to die."

"I would rather die than kill you because I couldn't control myself."

"And I can't watch you kill yourself because you won't drink a little blood bag. It's not like you're getting it straight from the tap."

Dalilah couldn't help but chuckle. The image of him as a human beer keg was amusing to her. He put his face up to hers, making it all she could see.

"You understand, though. Don't you?" she asked.

"I do." He pressed his lips to hers, letting his passion take hold. 

She kissed him back and he took his shot, pushing his lip against her fangs, cutting him. She tried to pull away, but he did not let her get away, allowing his blood to drip into her. The thunder from outside shook the house and her eyes rolled back into her head, savoring the warm, metallic taste. 

He felt his face drain of blood and her fangs digging deeper into his lip. Life was coming back to her and with it her enthusiasm for more blood. His body was no longer his as she rolled off the couch and pinned him to the floor. He moaned in pain, trying to tell her to stop, but she needed a more forceful approach. Kevin dropped his arms to his side and rolled her over, plunging his thumbs into her wrists. Delilah released him, blood dripping from his mouth. 

"You feeling better?" Kevin said, licking his lips. 

"Why did you do that!"

"You weren't seeing reason."

"I could have killed you. I felt myself losing control."

"If you didn't drink something, you were going to die. I refuse to let you die."

"It was my choice," she struggled under his grip, but he held her down.

"And I don't get a say? Did you even think how your death would affect me?"

She stopped fighting. He was right. She hadn't. Kevin did what he did for her and it wasn't lost on her. He loved her. His chest heaved up and down, tired from their wrestling match. Delilah hated what she did, enjoying what she promised would never happen again, but at least she was alive. And for now, that had to be enough. 

"You're right… I didn't… I'm sorry," Delilah said.

Kevin let her go. "Apology accepted. Now drink up the rest of that blood bag. You need to regain your strength."

"Only if you promise never to do that again."

"Deal. Now get to it. And if you're good, we'll play a game of parcheesi."

Delilah laughed. "Really? Your gonna treat me like a child."

"If the shoe fits–"

She punched him in the shoulder. "Go get me a straw then. If your gonna treat me like a child, I'm going to act like one."

"Whatever you say, dear." 

Monster Under the Bed

“But Mom! There’s a monster under my bed!” Timmy begged, hearing something scurry underneath.

“Yes, I know. You may play with him in the morning dear, but now it’s bedtime.”

Timmy shook under his blue covers. How was he supposed to sleep if there was a monster under his bed? Didn't she understand the whole concept of a monster? His mother got up from the side of his bed and walked to the door that was covered in light up stars. 

"Don't leave me, Mom!" Timmy said, curling up under his sheets so his feet were farther away from the edge of his bed. 

"Timmy, you will be fine. He doesn't bite humans," his mom said and clicked off the lights. "Have a good night."

"No! Mom!" Timmy said, but she closed the door without another word.

The only light left in the room was the glow of the stars on his door and on the ceiling. Normally they would calm him before he slept, but that was before he knew there was a monster under his bed. He had the urge to make a run for his light switch, but his legs wouldn't cooperate. All he could imagine was getting eaten the second he stepped foot off the bed. Looking around his dark room didn't ease any of his worries, since he could not see if something was lurking about. 

Suddenly, he heard a faint creak. It could have simply been the springs on his bed, but Timmy wasn't taking any chances. He plunged his head under the sheets and shut his eyes tight. His whimpers and cries were muffled by his sheets, but awoke the monster below all the same. 

The monster's footsteps were soft from the padded carpet, but were just loud enough for Timmy to hear. Something brushed against the bottom of his bed, going back and forth like a paint brush on a canvas. Timmy conjured the image of its tail grabbing him by the leg and ripping him out of the bed before devouring him. He began to shake, praying the monster would go away. All it did was jump up on the bed. With the grace of a cat, it landed all four paws on the bed, putting tension on his sheets. 

Timmy held his breath. He didn't want to smell whatever foul odor the monster had. The monster took cautious steps, climbing up on top of him. He felt the light touch of each paw as it stepped on him. Timmy's whole body froze. He was paralyzed by fear, while the monster kept crawling until it stopped at his head. Timmy waited for the moment when it would open its mouth and devour him, but it never came. Instead it… purred.

Timmy opened his eyes and continued to listen, thinking somehow his ears were deceiving him. They were not. The monster purred and walked down next to his head, pawing at his protective sheet. Timmy couldn't help but think somehow it was a mistake. After all, monsters don't purr. He unwrapped the sheet from his head and lifted it up enough to get a glance at what it was. The monster moved so fast, it was a blur, bounding inside to curl up with him. Its brown and white fur felt softer than the sheets that covered him. It crawled onto his chest and looked at him. 

Timmy gulped, realizing it wasn't actually a cat. At least not one he had ever seen. Its emerald eyes glowed bright enough for him to see it in the dark. The ears were more pointed, with hair that formed a Y coming off the tips. And the tail was thick at the end, completely black. The hairs at the tip of the tail moved independent of the rest, trying to feel its new environment while the tail waved. Otherwise, the face looked typical of a thin tabby cat, minus the whiskers.

The monster continued to purr and licked his bare chest. It was not a grippy tongue, but smooth like the back of a hand, leaving no saliva behind. The more Timmy watched it, the more relaxed his muscles became. Timmy uncurled his body and hesitantly reached his hand out to pet it. His hand hovered over the monster for a second, contemplating what could happen. The monster responded by gently wrapping its tail around his wrist and guiding his hand along its back. The hairs at the end of its tail rubbed against his smooth skin.

"Hey, that tickles." Timmy laughed. 

The monster continued to purr and rubbed its head against him. Timmy smiled, realizing his fears of this monster were overblown. 

"What are you?" 

The monster's ears perked up and vibrated. It turned its head away from him, listening for something out of sight. 

"What is–" Timmy began before being silenced by the monster's tail. 

Timmy lifted the covers and pulled the monster's tail out of his mouth. His mouth tasted tangy with a hint of metallic aftertaste. The monster's eyes flickered, flashing bright green at his black window curtain. Timmy tried to get up, but the monster slapped its tail on his chest without looking back at him. It didn't hurt, but he felt it actively resisted him. 

"There's nothing over there. It's a window."

The curtain moved. At first, he thought his little monster could move the curtain with its eyes, but then it blinked and the curtain moved in a different direction. Timmy tensed up, worrying what was over there, since he had his window closed. The monster snarled with the fierceness of a much larger cat, ready to defend its friend. Soon the creature that lurked behind the curtain revealed itself. 

It was all brown, wore an armored shell on its back and was the same size as his little monster. There were no eyes and two pincers where its head must have been. It had little feelers underneath as it transferred from the curtain to the wall. It was in all regards a giant bug. Timmy hugged his blanket and moved to the end of his bed. The giant bug creature made ticking sounds as it kept walking along the wall. It did not heed the monster's warnings and paid for it. 

The monster sprung off the bed and onto the wall above the giant bug. It stuck to the wall like a frog on a window and brought its tail down upon the giant bug. In one stroke, there was a crack and the giant bug bounced off the corner of the bed onto the floor. Without hesitation, the monster dove on top of the injured bug, digging into the underside of the creature. All Timmy heard was the monster tearing into the hostile bug and a few munching sounds. He was too afraid to look at what was happening and waited for the mauling to end. 

The monster jumped back up on the bed and licked its paws, proving to the boy the enemy had been vanquished… and tasty. Timmy dared take a look below at the floor and saw no evidence left of the giant bug, except for the indent in the carpet. He looked back at the monster that paused for a moment to burp.

"You saved me," Timmy said, still in shock of what happened. The monster stepped closer to him and petted his arm with its tail. Timmy smiled. He had never had a pet before and certainly none that ate scary oversized bugs. "What should I call you?"

The monster said nothing and crawled into his lap, purring the whole time. Timmy felt the heat radiating from the monster. He gave it a hug and rubbed his nose against its fur that smelt of cabbage.

"I'm going to name you, Cabbage. What do you think?"

The monster purred and licked his face in approval. He laughed and cradled Cabbage in his arms, bringing the blanket over both of them. Timmy intended on staying up to talk with his new friend, but his eyes got heavy as soon as his head hit the pillow. He yawned and Cabbage followed suit, petting Timmy's head with its tail. 

"Goodnight, Cabbage."

Cabbage poked Timmy's cheek with its tongue and with that they both drifted off to sleep. No longer was Timmy scared of what lurked under his bed. He had a new protector. Its name was Cabbage.

Afterlife Tour Guide

A man in a black sweater stood alone in a white room that seemed to go on forever in any direction. His boots crunched under him from the chunks of dirt still stuck in his soles. He only took a few steps and looked around, unsure how he got here. 

"Where am I?" he said to the white void, not really expecting an answer. 

He kept looking around until he saw a black figure in the distance. The figure made no noise, but kept coming closer. The man stood his ground, hoping whoever was approaching him would explain something to him. He cracked his back and shook out his arms, expecting a fight. 

"No need to limber up, my friend. No one can hurt you here," the figure said to the man. "What is your name?"

"I ain't telling you shit!" the man yelled.

The figure floated over to him with the speed of a bullet stopping inches from him. The man swung at the figure, who was dressed in an olive suit, but his fist phased through the figure's black skin. 

"Don't worry, my friend. You are safe here," the figure said, adjusting his grey tie. 

The man backed up and started to breathe fast and shallow. He could see the figure standing in front of him was just another man.

"What the hell are you?" the man asked.

"I'm your tour guide, Darrel. Would you like to begin?"

"Tour guide? What is this place?"

"This is the afterlife. You're dead," Darrel said with a friendly smile.

"I'm… dead?" the man said, looking around.

"I can see you did not attend the orientation."

"Orientation?"

"Well, I'll just get to it. Congratulations, you're dead. Before you are sorted into your assigned afterlife housing, I am here to guide you through your past experiences. You know, a trip down memory lane."

"Is this like some Ghost of Christmas past bullshit?"

"Yes, except at the end you don't get to go back. Do you want to begin?"

"How does the housing work?" he asked, trying to see how long Darrel could hold up his story.

"You get put into one of three houses based on what we go through today. I like to call them Upperton, Lowerton, and Middleton. When we step through this door–" Darrel said and snapped his fingers. A wood door with an engraving of the sun peeking through the clouds appeared next to them. "... we will be transported to your most impactful adult experiences. I will show you around and after we spend some time at each one, The Appraisers will determine your housing."

"So, those religious nuts were wrong about this whole afterlife stuff?"

"Not entirely. Upperton is super nice and Lowerton is… not. You don't want to be in Lowerton."

"Why don't I want to be in Lowerton? Is it Hell?"

"Let's begin the tour, shall we?" Darrel said and pushed the man inside the door. The man put his hands up as he fell toward the door and everything went black.

The man opened his eyes and felt the hard asphalt below him. People in long shorts and t-shirts ran past him, chasing after a woman who was dribbling a basketball ball up to the hoop. She was faster and taller than everyone else and leapt in the air. The ball went rocketing down through the hoop as she hung on to the rim.

"Had enough yet?" she said with a big grin on her face. 

The other men caught up to her and stopped to catch their breath, unable to make a fun comeback. Standing amongst them was Darrel, holding a clipboard. 

"Augustus. Funny, I figured you for a Billy," Darrel mused to himself as he walked closer to the man. 

"How do you know my name?" he asked. 

Darrel held up the clipboard and pointed to it. "Clipboard."

"What are we doing here?"

"From what I am reading here, this was the first time you met, Aieshea. Isn't she a bit tall for you?" Darrel said, looking back at the giant woman. 

"I thought you were going to mention my skin. Everyone else did," Augustus said, walking toward her, mostly ignoring Darrel. 

"You do look a little ashy. You should've probably used more moisturizer when you were alive."

Augustus didn't hear him, focusing solely on how Aieshea's long dreadlocks flowed over her shoulders. Her face glistened from sweat, distracting him from her vibrant yellow tank top and blue shorts. He walked toward her and a smile crept across his face. 

"Aieshea, it's me," he said, giving her a wave. 

She looked through him as if he wasn't there before one of the other guys got her attention. 

"Hey Aieshea, we are going to call it for today. Want to join us for some food?" one of the men asked. 

"No, I have to check on my mother. Next time." Aieshea responded, jogging to her duffle bag near the fence.

Augustus didn't move, watching her run off with a delightful spring in her step. On the other side of the fence was himself, pushing a cart full of empty cans. He looked worse for wear, covered in dirty rags, but she didn't see him that way. Darrel stood next to the black clad Augustus and hugged his clipboard against his chest.

"You were homeless?" Darrel asked.

"Not for long. Today was the day I finally got a job. It was the second best day of my life," Augustus said, watching the conversation that was going on between his past self and Aieshea. They were both laughing.

"I apologize for my lack of knowledge about your life. Whoever prepared my documents didn't give me much. Usually I am supposed to read back what you two are saying here."

Augustus kept his head forward and smirked. "We were talking about shoes. I told her I got mine at Men's Warehouse."

"You'll like the way you look–"

"I guarantee it," Augustus finished. He watched Aieshea lean against the fence, noticing she was smitten with him. Seeing that moment again brought back joy he had lost a long time ago. A few more seconds went by before their surroundings faded away like it was swept up in a whirlwind of color. "What's happening?”

"The next stop. Think of it like a bus tour. We don't stop for long," Darrel said, paging through his clipboard papers. "Next stop… the hospital?"

White walls came flying toward them, encasing them inside. The bed came up from the ground and a privacy curtain blocked their view. Metal could be heard rumbling around, followed by the beeps of a heart monitor. Augustus swiped at the curtain and in front of him was Aieshea, attached to several machines. He saw himself at her side, crying into the bed. His own sobs were muffled by the wet sheets. 

Augustus was frozen in place, watching as an outsider. He didn't cry like his previous self, instead seeing her death as a new opportunity. 

"You said I'm dead, right?" Augustus asked. 

Darrel shook his head. "No coming back I'm afraid."

"Can I see her?"

"Aieshea?" Darrel asked.

Augustus gave Darrel a glare that didn't need words. Darrel looked through his pages, checking to see how long it would be. 

"We have a few more stops to make. Are you sure you don't want to savor the memory?" Darrel asked.

"Not this one. Is there any way we can skip a few of these?

Darrel looked him up and down. "I'm not supposed to…"

"But you can?"

Darrel scrunched his face. It was his first tour, but it hadn't been going well to begin with. He had no idea what the next few even were. Whoever prepared his forms was in a big hurry to put something down that they didn't bother to check to see if it was legible.

"If you let me listen to this one I will skip a few for you?" Darrel offered. 

Augustus nodded and Darrel walked closer to the couple. The Augustus near the bed lifted his head from the sheet and whispered in her ear.

"I swear to you, Aieshea. I'm going to make those guys pay for what they did to you."

Darrel raised his eyebrow with intrigue and turned to face his tourist. "What happened?"

"She was shot when we were coming back from a comedy show. On the same night I asked her to marry me."

Darrel's eyes started to dart back and forth, thinking about what was coming next. Augustus wasn't much older than he was in this memory and with a few more stops to go, it wasn't looking good for him. 

"Did you make good on your promise?"

"You said we could skip a few," Augustus said, ignoring his question.

Darrel watched Augustus's face turn stern and cold. He knew Augustus did something bad and maybe that was why his form preparers did such a bad job. To Darrel's knowledge, every experience they review would go to judgment, which left him with a choice. Break his promise and follow the agenda as laid out or skip to the end and hope one of his final acts was not bad enough to be sent to Lowerton. He had a feeling Aieshea was going to Upperton or at least Middleton. He was starting to think Augustus would not be so lucky.

"We have to make one stop before the end," Darrel said, paging through his unreadable pages. He stopped at a page that was much more legible than the rest. It was mostly abbreviations he wasn't familiar with, but he figured the non legible stuff was bad. At least this might be okay. He snapped his fingers and their environment was wiped away in an instant.

They were left in a black void for a moment before blood streaked across the darkness like a painting. Screams of pain and terror echoed around them before they saw Augustus holding a bloody kitchen knife. He was smiling with blood stained teeth and his chest rose up and down from whatever horror he unleashed upon his victims. Bodies came into view, all young men with lacerations and puncture wounds. One in particular spit up blood on the stained couch, looking up at his killer. 

"Where is he?" Augustus yelled as the apartment surroundings came into view, all covered in blood or grime.

"I don't know. I swear," the young man said, holding up his bloody hand. 

"If you don't know, why keep you alive?" he said and went in to kill the young man.

"Please, no!"

"Give me a reason."

The young man pointed past Augustus. "He might be at the old shop."

"Old shop. Where is that?"

"On 4th and Grand. It is an abandoned gas station."

"I know it. Why would he be there?" 

"I hear he does deals there. I've never seen it, but De'Andre had."

"Which one is De'Andre? I want to confirm with him," Augustus said, looking around the room of dying people. 

"You killed him," the young man said, pointing to one on the floor with his neck slit. 

"If I find out you're lying to me, I'll be back," Augustus said and left the room. 

Darrel and the not bloody Augustus stood still. Darrel's mouth was agape while Augustus kept a neutral expression. Darrel looked back at his clipboard frantically, hoping he made some kind of mistake. It was no mistake. The MM initials must have meant Mass Murder and the double digits number next to it, the body count.

"Why would you do this?"

Augustus turned to Darrel. "I said those responsible would pay. I'm not one to not follow up on my promises."

Darrel looked back at the bodies, still horrified by what he had witnessed. 

"Are we going to keep going or do you get a real kick out of this?" Augustus asked.

Darrel gulped and turned away from the massacre. He was glad he didn't have to go through the other memories, since many would have likely been just as terrible. He closed his eyes and snapped his fingers. This was going to be the last stop. Augustus's end.

Appearing on a grass soccer field that hugged a forest tree line, lights shined down upon them. They were facing the outlet of a trail and they could hear movement in the brush. It was too dark to see, but they both knew it was Augustus. He slinked in the dark, waiting for a crowd of people that were walking to the field. The people were laughing and drinking, unconcerned about who was waiting for them. One of the men in the group was wearing bright red shoes and a tan suit. He was the man of the hour. The one Augustus was hell-bent on killing. 

Darrel looked at Augustus, who had a balled up fist. He clenched his teeth while waiting to see what he himself was about to do to the unsuspecting victim. Darrel returned his attention to the scene in front of them, waiting for the tragic end. 

Augustus burst out from the bushes launching himself at the man. Before he could do any real damage, the man's friend punched him in the head. That was all it took. One punch and Augustus was out for good. 

"What! That's it?" Augustus said, outraged by what had transpired. 

"Was there supposed to be more?"

"I killed him! I know it did!" Augustus objected. 

"I'm seeing the same thing you are."

Augustus ran over to the men, who were now laughing at his corpse. He went in for a tackle, but phased right through him. His shoulder slammed into the ground that felt more like concrete than soft grass. He shook with rage, watching the man behind his fiance's death laughing with glee. Before he could get up again, everything went back to white.

"Where did he go? Bring him back!" Augustus ordered. 

Darrel put up his hands. "That is the end. I can't go back."

"No!" he said, getting up. "He can't still be alive!"

"He is. And you're not."

"That's not how this was supposed to go. It's not fair," Augustus said, pacing back and forth. 

"Neither was taking those young men's lives, yet it still happened."

"They deserved it!"

"And you didn't deserve what happened to you?"

"They killed her, you bastard! What else was I supposed to do?"

"You could have let it go."

"Let it go." Augustus scoffed with utter disgust. "Let it go?"

"Yes. You could've lived your life in peace. Kept her in your heart. Instead you tried to avenge her and sacrificed your chance at being with her for all eternity."

"What is that supposed to mean? You said I could see her."

"I never said that. I said I could fast forward through the other memories, which I'm sure were just as terrible. I have no say if you can see her."

Augustus stepped to him. "Then who does?"

"The Appraisers. Remember how I said these memories would determine how you are housed."

Augustus thought back to those words and the memories he revisited. He never thought about how his actions would affect him later, nor did he believe he had a chance to see her again when he was alive. The mere thought of now knowing she was still around, but he would never see her again cut him to the core. His stomach twisted and he wanted to vomit. 

"Please, can you do anything?" Augustus said softly, trying not to empty his stomach. 

Darrel sighed. "I did all I could. In the end, our actions have consequences."

Three doors came rushing across the ground toward them. One was rustic and had dents in it, another was sky blue with no blemishes at all, and the final one was pure black with red hot chains strapped across it. He could hear the screams of thousands and steam leak from the bottom of the black door. On the top it was labeled what he thought, Lowerton.

Augustus decided to make his own destiny and ran to the blue door. He knew Aieshea was there and he didn't want to live another moment without her. Not again. His shoulder hit the door, but it did not budge. The door swung open, knocking him back on the floor. Augustus hit his head against the ground, but still caught a glimpse of what would have awaited him in the blue door. Aieshea was on the other side, her back toward him. He knew it was her from the dreadlocks and how she stuck her hip out to one side. That image was soon gone, with the black door moving in front and towering over him. It lowered itself onto him as he screamed, pleading for another fate. The white room became quiet once the door had consumed its latest tenet and disappeared below the floor.

Darrel tucked his clipboard under his arm. "I'm gonna have a word with whoever gave me this guy. This is hazing at best."

Vampire Wedding Night

Maddie brushed her teeth, making sure her pearly whites sparkled in the mirror. This was the night she had been waiting for. The first night with her husband, Nick. Her black hair was as pristine as her toned body in her nightgown that had little black wings on it. She wanted to make it special. After all, you only get to turn your husband into a vampire once. 

She took one last look at her fangs that practically gave her a thumbs up. This was her time to show him how much she loved him. That she wanted to spend all eternity with no one else. Maddie swung open the door and spread her arms so wide she felt like she was flying. She even had to do a double take to make sure her arms didn't turn into wings. Nick was sitting on the bed, smiling ear to ear, wearing only his briefs and socks. 

"Woah! You really wanted to stay on theme tonight," Nick said, moving over on the bed for her to join him. 

"You like?"

"Do I? You're my sexy bat," Nick said, doing his best impression of a bat. 

She laughed, knowing that his form would need to improve if he was ever going to fly. Maddie sat down on the bed, but Nick was far too greedy for that, pulling her into his arms. She let out of yip of excitement, laying down next to him. 

"Are you ready for me to turn you?" Maddie said, feeling the blood coarse through the veins in his neck.

"You can turn me however you like. I'm all yours," Nick said, laying a passionate kiss on her lips. She was taken to another world upon contact, enjoying the ecstasy of his minty kiss. Maddie had to practically pull herself away, trying to stay on task. Too bad Nick didn't see it that way. "What's the matter? Did I do something?"

"No. Nothing like that."

"Was it the mint? Was it too much?" Nick said, starting to become self conscious. 

"No. Your breath is amazing. I just…" Maddie trailed off when she spotted two black bats hanging upside down on the curtain rod of the open window. It was her parents. She sprung off the bed and another bat, her brother, hung next to them. Before Nick could see them, she slapped her family out the open window and closed the curtains. "...had to make sure the curtains were closed. Don't want any nosey people watching us."

"Good idea. Don't want anyone to see how you turn me," Nick said.

Maddie smiled and returned to the bed. She didn't waste any time, going right for the throat. Her fangs tickled his neck, searching for a good vein, when he pulled away from her.

"That actually tickles,” Nick said with that genuine smile she loved so much. 

"It will tickle less once I break the skin," she said, swooping in again. He held her back, not yet done talking.

"I'm pretty sure, I'm the one who is supposed to be doing the penetrating around here."

"Are you the vampire?" Maddie said, putting her hands on her hips.

"No, ma'am."

"Then I suggest you lay back and let me do all the work."

"Yes, ma'am," he said, laying back on the bed.

She laid next to him with her fangs inches from his neck. Her hand was on the other side of his neck to hold him still and feel where the blood flowed the best. It was intoxicating to her, feeling the blood on the other side of his flesh. Her eyes rolled back in her head and she planted her fangs on his skin before he jerked away. 

"What is that?" Nick said, sitting up and pointing at the end of the bed. 

Maddie looked over and saw a glimpse of a furry brown wing duck out of sight.

"Terry," Maddie said, under her breath. She bounced off the bed and prepared to crush her little cousin. If they wanted to blame someone for his death, they could blame her brother. He probably put Terry up to it anyway. She reached around the end of the bed, but grabbed nothing but air. The bat was nowhere to be found. Maddie looked under the bed and there was nothing. Unless you count the skeleton who gave her a thumbs up when she looked at it. She shook her head in frustration and came back up to see Nick frozen still on the bed. 

"Honey, get the flyswatter," Nick said, watching the bat sit on his shoulder. 

Maddie bared her fangs and leaped back on the bed. She slammed into Nick and tried to grab at the bat, but the bat was too quick, flying under the curtains. Maddie got off of Nick and punched the empty curtain a few times before parting it and closing the window for good.

"There. We shouldn't have any more unwanted visitors," Maddie said, wiping her hands. She looked back at Nick, who was holding his ribs. "Nick? Are you okay?

"Remind me not to get on your bad side," Nick said, wincing in pain.

Maddie went to his side, unsure what to do. Her hands hoovered over his chest, begging to be told where to go. 

"I hurt you."

Nick smiled. "You saved me from that bat. Who knows what kind of rabies I would have gotten if he bit me."

"Don't worry, it's not genetic," Maddie said and Nick laughed, hurting himself. 

"You are so funny, Maddie. Even when you smash my rib cage, I still can't be mad at you."

"I'm sorry."

"Don't be." Nick pulled her next to him. "I get to be with the best woman in the whole world for all eternity.”

"Not yet you don't. Not until I turn you."

"Oh, we're gonna have to wait on that. As much as my little seed shooter probably wants to, you really messed up my ribs."

It wasn't until that moment that it dawned on her. He thought he was just getting sex. She laid next to him and put her arm under his back, thinking about how to break it to him. Maddie even wondered if he actually knew she was a real vampire. She said it enough times all the while they were dating.

"Hey Maddie?" Nick asked.

"Yes?" Maddie said.

"I'm sorry we didn't get to do it, but can you stop poking me in the ass?"

Maddie moved her hand under his back and felt a boney finger sticking through the bed. She snapped it off, keeping it as a warning to the skeleton below.

"Sorry about that. I actually have a question for you," Maddie said.

"Go for it."

"What if I told you I am an actual vampire?"

"You do have the fangs for it,” Nick said, touching her fang.

"Seriously though, what would you think?"

Nick turned toward her with some discomfort. "You would still be the woman I want to spend my life with."

"You mean that?"

"Of course. Now get under these covers. I can't have my wife freezing on her wedding night."

She did as she was told, but she didn't need his bodily warmth. Maddie was already filled with his love. That was more than enough for her. He wrapped his arms around her and kissed her on the cheek.

"Goodnight, my sexy vampire. Don't suck my blood while I sleep.”

"Wouldn't dream of it," Maddie said, with her eyes darting around. She was totally going to do it when he went to bed. Guess she'll have to wait until morning.

The Cat Did It

A bushy haired man named Branson was sitting up on his faded couch that proudly wore the scars of a glorified scratching post. Sitting on the other side of his smoke glass end table were two detectives donning drab grey suits. Their badges were the only colorful part of their attire, perched on their belts next to the spare magazine. One of the detectives, who identified herself as Detective Fraser, was rifling through her bag to grab some photos. The other detective, Detective Peck, sat back in his seat and snuck a peek at his coworker's ass. Branson could see the interest, but he never thought a detective would be so unprofessional in his presence. Detective Peck looked back at Branson and winked at him, before sitting forward.

"Mr. Stairfield, we are here to ask you a few questions about your cat," Detective Fraser said, with a stack of photos and drawings in her hand. 

Branson cocked his head. "My cat?"

"Yes, sir. Recently we had a string of vandalisms and robberies where we have caught all the suspects."

"Okay…" Branson said, unsure where they were going with this.

"All of them had the same story. They told us a cat told them to do it."

"They sound crazy."

"We would agree, but they all gave us the same description of the cat," Detective Peck said.

Detective Fraser laid out a few of the photos and drawings, all depicting a black cat with red eyes and fur that stood on end. Branson took a brief glance at them before looking back at Detective Fraser. 

"Your neighbor said you have a black cat," Detective Fraser said. 

"Well, my neighbor is a liar! It shouldn't take a detective to know that. Who told you?"

"Alice Fletcher. Lives a few doors down," Detective Peck said. Both detectives sat at the end of their seats, surprised by Branson's hostility. 

"Alice Fletcher is a loon. And a little…" Branson trailed off, noticing the detectives were starting to take more interest in him. He shook his head. "I'm sorry, I just get worked up when her name comes up. She is always trying to get me in trouble."

"We aren't accusing you of any crimes, Mr. Stairfield. We are simply looking for some cooperation in our case."

"I thought you said you arrested everyone?" 

"We did. The problem is we recently had a murder and the suspect in that case explicitly mentioned a black cat told him to do it," Detective Fraser said, pointing to a picture of the cat. 

Branson looked between the two faces of the detectives. He knew what they were implying and he wasn't having any of it. 

"Do you think I did it? Is that why you're here?" Branson said, standing to his feet.

"We are not saying that sir…"

"You think I dress up as a cat and go brainwash people into committing crimes? You want to see my closet? Come on. I'll show you. No cat suits in there!" Branson almost yelled at them. 

"Please calm down, Mr. Stairfield," Detective Peck said. 

Branson waved his hands around. "Calm down? Why?"

"We just want to see your cat," Detective Fraser said.

"I told you, I don't have one!"

"Then why is your couch all ripped up?" Detective Peck questioned.

"I bought it second hand! Even comes with a permanent cat piss smell. Want a sniff?" Branson said, lifting up the cushion.

"And the litterbox?" Detective Peck asked, pointing to the grey box with kitty litter next to his grungy door.

"Came with the couch. Haven't had time to throw it."

Detective Fraser collected her photos and put them back in her bag. She shoved it into Detective Peck before he could lose his temper. She pulled a card out from her suit pocket. 

"I can see we came at a bad time. If you do see a black cat, please give me a call," she said, placing the card on the table.

Branson watched them both with steely eyes as they left his apartment. The door closed shut and Branson picked up the card on the table. It had her name, badge number and contact information as well as the case number on the back. He walked over to the kitchen and turned on the stovetop, leaving the card on top. 

From behind, a black cat scurried out of an adjacent room and jumped up on the couch. The cat meowed and Branson turned to face the cat. 

"You really fucked up this time," Branson said. The cat responded with a meow. Branson moved over to the window and opened it, letting in the fresh outside air. He looked down at the sidewalk that was three floors below him. The undercover looking police crustier was parked near the curb.

"They are getting too close. You need to fix your mess," Branson said, turning to face the cat. The cat jumped off the couch, ran toward Branson and jumped up on the window sill. It looked back at Branson and meowed one last time to him before jumping to the next window sill.

"And none of that loose end bullshit again," Branson called out to the cat that had already sprung to the last set of window sills. The cat landed on a railing which surrounded some green shrubs along the exterior wall.

The two detectives walked out of the building side by side and the cat balanced on the railing near them. It meowed, getting the attention of Detective Peck. He looked right at the cat before he grabbed Detective Fraser's ass. She turned to him and slapped him across the face. The cat meowed again. There was a brief pause where the detectives were either going to tear each other apart or kiss. Unfortunately, it was the former. They both drew their service weapons, but Detective Fraser was not hindered by the bag. Three shots rang out as she shot her partner twice in the chest and once in the head.

People across the street screamed and a car that was driving by screeched its tires, leaving smoke in its wake. The woman looked over to the cat and it meowed one last time. Another shot rang out and Detective Fraser collapsed to the floor over her partner. The cat looked up at Branson, who watched the whole ordeal unfold from the comfort of his window. He looked over to the card that went ablaze. The stovetop coils were red hot and the card shriveled up into nothing more than ash. Branson gave the cat a nod.

"Look what you made me do, Alice. Look what you made me do."

Necromancer Lawyer

“Dead men tell no tales? Wrong, Your Honor. As a necromancer, I summon the soul of my first witness, the victim.”

In an instant, the silent courtroom was abuzz with chatter from the people in the back. The mother of the victim wailed at the mere thought of her son coming back from the dead.

"Order!" the judge demanded, smashing his gavel into splinters that showered both attorneys. 

The people went silent at once and the wailing woman sniffled as her husband guided her down to her seat. The prosecuting attorney brushed the splinters off his jet black suit and scarlet red tie. He did not say another word, waiting for the judge's face to return to a paler color. 

"Mr. Hardford, I was not aware you were a necromancer," the judge said.

"That I am, Your Honor. I am licensed in a different state, but I was hoping seeking fair justice would supersede silly licensing requirements.”

"That it is, Mr. Hardford. You may present your witness."

"Objection, Your Honor!" the defense attorney said.

"Overruled. Please continue Mr. Hardford."

Mr. Hardford approached the bench and sat down in the chair. He closed his eyes and raised his hands in the air. He muttered complete nonsense and shook violently until he fell limp in the seat. The jury to his left were in complete shock and some were downright worried he died.

"Bailiff, please check on Mr. Hardford.”

The bailiff did not take two steps before Mr. Hardford shot up from his seat. His eyes were bloodshot and he looked around the room like a squirrel trying to find the next nut. Once he laid eyes on the mother of the victim, his erratic head movement stopped.

"Mom?" Mr. Hardford said. 

"Frankie!" The mother yelled with tears beginning to well in her eyes.

"Where am I Mom? Where did all the angels go?"

The people all began to whisper amongst each other again, bringing with it the judge's ire.

"Order in the court!" the judge yelled, tossing what was left of his gavel across the room. "No more talking or you will all be held in contempt."

All idle chatter ceased again and Mr. Hardford turned to look up at the judge. His dark cloak and round face made for an imposing figure up close.

"I'm sorry, mister. It won't happen again," Mr. Hardford said.

"Not you Frankie. You can speak. You are the witness," the judge said, calming his tone.

"To what?"

"Your murder."

Mr. Hardford looked over to the defense's bench and scrambled out of his chair upon seeing the defendant. Wearing a pantsuit the color of a baby seal and no makeup, the defendant would have been void of all intrigue, if not for her butter blonde hair that swirled like ice cream on her head. She did not respond to Mr. Hardford's reaction, but instead watching him with disinterest. 

"Please, don't let her hurt me again!"

"You recognize that woman?" the judge asked.

Mr. Hardford nodded, still trying to conceal himself behind the chair.

"What is she to you?"

"She is the mean lady who hit me in the head with a golf club. I begged her to stop, but she wouldn't," Mr. Hardford said, shivering as he spoke.

The defense attorney stood up. "Objection, Your Honor. How do we know this is actually Frankie and not just some show for the jury?”

"Mom, I want to go home. I want Mr. Cuddlebottoms," Mr. Hardford said. 

"We'll get him sweetie!" the mother said, trying to stand up before her husband kept her seated.

"Overruled,” the judge said and faced the mother of Frankie. "Mrs. Kennedy, I know this is quite an irregular ask, but would Mr. Hardford have known about this...Cuddlebottoms?"

"No, Your Honor. Mr. Hardford was never at our house nor would he have cared about our son's stuffed alligator."

"That's enough for me. Thank you, Mrs. Kennedy.”

"Are you shitting me right now?" the defense attorney said.

Before the judge could respond to the attorney's lack of decorum, Mr. Hardford collapsed to the floor. The bailiff rushed over to him and some jury members stood up, trying to get a better look at what happened. The audience again broke out into whispers, albeit quieter than the previous times to avoid the judge's wrath. Mr. Hardford awoke from the touch of the bailiff's cold fingers on his neck. 

"Are you alright, Sir?" the bailiff asked. 

"I'm fine,” Mr. Hardford said, standing up under his own power.

"Mr. Hardford, are you able to continue?" the judge asked. 

"I could use a recess, Your Honor."

"No need. I have come to my decision, which I don't believe the jury would disagree with. I find the defendant, Marleen Walker guilty of the murder of Frankie Kennedy.”

"What?" Marleen yelled. "I slept with you! You said I wouldn't spend a second in jail!"

"That was before Frankie's actual soul told us you were the killer! I can't believe I actually slept with a murderer," the judge said in disgust. "Bailiff, take her away."

"I didn't do it! I would never harm a child! He's lying!" Marleen yelled in desperation, while the bailiff cuffed her. 

"Court adjourned," the judge said.

Everyone stood up and began a flurry of conversations. Mr. Hardford looked over to Marleen and smiled something villainous. 

"That's what you get for cheating on me," Mr. Hardford said under his breath before the family rushed to him. Mrs. Kennedy wrapped her arms around Mr. Hardford and cried into his shoulder. 

"Did he say anything else to you?" Mrs. Kennedy asked.

"He said you did great. Really sold it."

"Excuse me?"

Mr. Hardford coughed. "I mean...he loves you and he can't wait to see you again in heaven."

Mrs. Kennedy smiled and let him go. "Can you leave him a message?"

"Sure, why not?"

"Tell him I love him and I'm proud of him."

"Will do. Now if you would excuse me, I have another client to attend to.”

"Of course," she said and moved aside. 

He walked through the crowd and out the solid wood doors. Taking a deep breath, he removed a single cigar from his jacket pocket. He put it in his mouth and patted himself down for his lighter. It was nowhere to be found.

"Great. I can blow smoke up everyone else's ass except mine."

Mystical VHS

Glass rained from the sky, while men in tactical gear descended upon me like black angels of death. There was nothing I could do in the dark complex filled with giant silver vats. My team had abandoned me and so too had my rivals. As I floated in a glowing vat of smooth, pure white yogurt sprinkled with orangutan piss and bad choices, I dwelled upon everything that led up to this moment. It all started with a job. A simple job in fact. Should have been in and out in ten minutes, but naturally with any heist, there were variables beyond my control. And what was it over...a goddamn VHS tape.

It all started last week when word on the street got out about my very steamy love making with Sharlet Everdeen. I would normally think an ex would spread this to the world, trying to get back at me, but Sharlet and I hadn’t been together for over three years. Reason being, she died trying to base jump with nothing more than her blanket. She was dumb, but I didn’t stop her because she had succeed before. I don’t pretend to understand the physics behind it and I didn’t want to be the man who held her back. She respected me for that and I for her fearlessness. Anyways, I am getting off track.

This was an issue because we never discussed our sex life to anyone, yet here it was out in the open like I was the main character in some episode of Sex and The City. I had my people ask around where this came from and they said people watched it. And not just that, but my whole life. When I was born, my awkward teenage years, stuff I did with vegetables for...experiments. Private stuff that no one could have known about me. And it didn’t stop there. There was footage of stuff that had yet to happen. Like when earlier in the week I went to get a taco at El Toro Tacos. This footage was on a VHS tape that apparently a lot of people had already seen. And rumor had it they even saw how I died.

Needless to say, I had to get a hold of this tape. This was way too personal and if my enemies got a hold of it, they would use it against me. Luckily, my team was able to track down the VHS to Little Gambino’s Video Store on 5th and Grand. The bad news was the owner hated my guts. Probably why, once he attained this tape, he had private screenings of it everyday. It never left his store. If people asked about it, he had it cued up in the backroom somewhere. I exhausted all my resources and connections to get a shot at this tape, so it left me no choice. I needed to steal it. My right hand man, Rico, got the layout of the building. Three rows of movie shelves ran in the middle and behind the counter, at the end, was a private viewing area concealed by a red velvet curtain. What was behind that was a mystery at the time since it was always dark.

To help with this unknown, I had Selena. She was our muscle. Toned, but not bulky. What she lacked in weight and sheer strength, she made up in height. The rest of the guys called her Stretch because she was all legs. And I mean all legs. There is a point where long legs stop being an attractive trait and start being a concern. She definitely hit that point years ago. It was like attaching a baby's torso to those stilt legs people walk around with at carnivals. One kick from her though and you wouldn’t be eating solid food for a month. Rounding out my small infiltration team was Barkins. She was a dog. A grey pitbull to be exact. I called her Barkins because she never barked. It was ironic. I could have brought any number of my other guys, but these three I knew I could trust not to say anything if the VHS was playing when we got inside.

Once night fell we made our way inside. Selena kicked the door in and Rico worked his magic on the alarm system. It left me and Barkins to make a beeline for the backroom. There were no lights on the inside, but that didn’t matter since the shelves basically guided us to the back counter. I leaped over the top with Barkins and through the red veil to find...an empty room. Nothing was in the back. No projector, seats, anything. Four white walls and a single light shone above. Rico and Selena joined me in my utter disappointment.

“What gives?” Rico said.

“Why is there just an empty room?” Selena said.

“Maybe there is a secret door?”

“Or maybe he moved it out? Someone might have snitched,” Rico said, looking up at Selena.

“Bite me, Rico.”

Barkins was never good with commands and drove her fangs into Selena’s legs like she was eating a giant dog bone. Selena screamed and tried to kick Barkins off her, but Barkins clung to her.

“Get her off!” Selena said.

She did a roundhouse kick, trying to release the dog, but instead she landed her blow on me, launching me through the pathetic excuse for a wall and down two stories into a vat of white cream. When I landed in this vat, I thought I died. Above me was a tall ceiling, unlike the building I was in and I was swimming in the best yogurt I had ever tasted.

“Are you okay?” Rico yelled from above.

“Yes. Get me out of here.”

It wasn’t long until my vat of happiness soured. On the catwalk next to me was an orangutan wearing a red bandana and dragging a sign behind him. It wasn’t any orangutan. It was Kevin’s orangutan. Kevin was my rival. He always tried to move in on my territory and this time he had me where he wanted me. The orangutan held up the sign, ‘I know you like some flavor in your yogurt, I hope you like this one.’

By the time I read the sign, I noticed the stream of piss pattering in front of me. I tried to stop the orangutan, but he had the high ground and the yogurt acted like quicksand against my attempts to move. My team was still in the room above me laughing at my pain.

“Are you going to get down here and help?” I yelled up to them.

“Selena needs to go to the hospital. Dog bites are no joke. We’ll be back after that,” Rico said.

“Are you shitting me right now?”

“No, but that monkey might,” Selena said, laughing before the pain stopped her.

“We’ll be back. Don’t worry,” Rico said and they all left me. Even Barkins. That little bitch.

Then the rest is history. The orangutan runs off once the tactical men fall from the sky and I am just waiting for one of them to save me from this once delicious hell. I still don’t know what was on that tape, but I do know one thing. With friends like mine, who needed enemies.

Vampire Conservationist

A pale man in a grey suit walked backwards down a dark floor made of coffin lids facing his tour group, a bunch of school children dressed in capes and fake fangs. At the children's side was a chaperone who had been giving him “the look” the entire tour. They came up to a large clear window on their right, framed with wooden stakes and polar bears were playing in the snow.

“On your right, you will see our prized attraction here at the Vampirical Zoo, our Polar Bears,” the pale man said.

The children all ran to the window, pressing their grubby faces against the glass. Their oohs and aahs were music to his ears and took delight in their happiness. The chaperone was more interested in him, sneaking glances while she pretended to care about the polar bears.

“Mr. Stephenson, how much do these polar bears weigh?” Patrica said, wanting to ask a question that was both educational for the students and gave him an opportunity to compliment her on her slimming figure.

“The males can get up about 900 pounds, while the females are usually around half that. They must watch their weight like Mrs. Fellis here," Mr. Stephenson said.

"It's Ms. Fellis," Patricia said, brushing her blonde hair to the side.

"Where do polar bears live?" one of the students said, briefly lifting her face away from the glass to look at him.

"They used to live in Antarctica, but due to the near extinction of them back in 2078 after the ice caps melted, we brought them here to live. So for the foreseeable future they live here in our artificial winter land."

"Do polar bears taste good?" one of the boys said.

"Henry." Patricia glared at the boy.

"It's alright. Polar bears don't taste good to humans, but to vampires they are quite tasty," he said, licking his lips.

"Vampires don't eat polar bears. They suck human blood," a little girl with pigtails said.

"Are you questioning a vampire?" Mr. Stephenson asked, showing his fanged teeth in his smile.

"Yes," the girl giggled.

Mr. Stephenson pretended to suck her neck, tickling her with his fangs and she giggled some more. Patricia was probably jealous of the little girl.

"Okay class, if you are done with the polar bears, feel free to go to the gift shop," Patricia said.

The children all cheered and ran off down the hall, leaving Mr. Stephenson all to herself.

"I have to say, my kids really enjoy your themed zoo."

"I'm glad they like it. At first I didn't think the polar bears fit the theme, but I do enjoy the flavor they provide.”

"And you pull off a very good sexy vampire," she said, ignoring his answer.

"I'm flattered, Ms. Fellis."

"Call me Patricia," she said, stepping closer to him.

Mr. Stephenson leaned in close near her ear. "Patricia. You want to know my secret to my good looks?"

"Desperately," she whispered back.

"Polar bear blood," Mr. Stephenson said and sucked on her neck like a human would.

She closed her eyes and let out a gasp of pleasure. He bit down on her with his fangs, but did not break the skin. Instead his eyes were transfixed on the polar bear. The polar bear made eye contact with him and staggered back in the exhibit. It knew that soon it would fall victim to his bite like the many bears before it that were still stuck deep underground. Their continued existence was only for one true purpose. To satisfy his thirst.

Timezone Voodoo

I want to start by saying I love my girlfriend. She is the best. Heedy is thoughtful and a very giving person. But her timing is terrible. This is the tale of how I wound up living with her parents in the Magic Realm instead of Iowa. Don't get me wrong, her parents are wonderful and their place by the ocean is much nicer than Iowa could ever be, but I want to warn anyone interested in a witch that your life can change drastically, so be prepared. Anyways to the story.

It was a Monday...no Tuesday. I was flown out to Britain for a business meeting with our European branch to work on logistics for our new line of cereal, Cracker Yaks. It was basically Corn Flakes shaped like yaks. The most important part was Thursday, where I had a big presentation for the board. If I aced it, there was a promotion in it for me. That prospect also brought a lot of stress that Heedy somehow picked up on during my telephone call with her that night.

"Hello Sweetie, how was your flight?" Heedy said.

"It was long, but I'm finally here,” I said, half-thinking about my upcoming presentation.

"You sound tired...and a little stressed. Is everything ok?"

Heedy could always sense more than I let on, even when I tried to hide it. Made lying impossible, especially when I was tired.

"I'm a little nervous about my presentation on Thursday, but nothing I can't handle."

"I wish I could be with you right now. Give you those feet massages you like so much."

"I think you like them more than me,” I said, looking at my wiggling toes.

She giggled. "Guilty. But don't lie, you like them."

"Well I should be back Saturday. Then you can do whatever you want to me."

"I don't know if I can wait that long," she said, rummaging through something.

"What are you doing over there?"

"I found it."

"Found what?"

"Oh you'll see. You have a good afternoon. I got work to do. Kisses."

She hung up before I could correct her and I laid back on my soft bed. Little did I know, what she had planned was going to change my whole life.

The next day came around with no issues. It was a full day of meetings and I got a lot of work done. Even got to see the distribution center and it was better than I imagined. My joints felt a little like I pulled something during the tour, but otherwise fine. Everything was going so well I had time to finish my presentation. Once I finished, my nerves really kicked in. I gave Heedy a call, hoping hearing her voice would calm me.

"Sweetie! How was your day?"

"Really good actually. Got a lot work done."

"You're still stressed aren't you?"

"Maybe."

"Don't worry, I think I have just the thing," she said and placed the phone down. I heard her feet patter away and come back. "Okay, do you feel anything?"

"What?"

"How about now?"

I shifted the phone to my other ear. "Am I supposed to feel something?"

"Hmm. I must be missing something."

"What are you doing?"

"I wanted to surprise you. I made a voodoo doll so I could give you those feet rubs you like so much."

"Heedy, that is so thoughtful. But I'm going to be home soon."

"I know...it's just I know you are nervous about tomorrow and I wanted to do something nice."

"Just you talking with me is all I need to get through tomorrow.”

"Awww."

"I am going to get some sleep. Make sure I'm fully rested. I will call you tomorrow when I smash that presentation out of the park."

"Okay Sweetie. Kisses."

"Kisses."

The next day arrived and started well. Finalized some numbers, signed a few things, and some guys in the office took me out for lunch before the big presentation. With a little liquid courage and a full stomach I was ready for the presentation. I got to the board room and sat down at the long table. I was the only guy there, surrounded by attractive executives. If I didn't have eyes for Heedy, it would have been hard to focus on this meeting. Each one was more attractive than the next with their slimming suits and well groomed hair.

I sat there listening to the board go through the agenda items and my feet felt like a soft hand was sliding against it. It was followed by pressure in two spots at the base of my heel. I wiggled my toes while my feet relaxed. It was Heedy giving me a foot massage. I smiled to myself, thinking how I could have such an amazing woman in my life, until I realized it was morning at home. My face turned to dread as the sensation of her hands moved up my legs. 

"Mr. Portan, can you show us your presentation?" Mrs. Gorfred asked.

"Are you sure you don't want me to wait till the end?"

"Nonsense. Go ahead."

I blinked hard and tried to focus on anything but Heedy's invisible hands moving up to my groin.

"So…"

"Please stand up so we can all see you."

I hesitated and realized the sensation was gone. I didn't have much time. I shot up from my seat and adjusted my tie.

"Alright. Our newest brand, Cracker Yaks had been extremely success in the…" I said, continuing my speech. The speech wasn't the important part as much as the growing bulge in my pants from Heedy. I tried to think of anything else while I spoke. Alligators, monster trucks, the actual presentation. Nothing worked. Heedy was great, but her timing was awful.

"Mr. Portan, I'm going to stop you. Are you…"

She didn't even get to finish her sentence before…well...let's just say the woman next to me was very uncomfortable. And the one across the table licked her lips.

"Mr. Portan! You can leave now. Consider yourself fired," Mrs. Gorfred said. 

I ran out of there fast before Heedy got me in any more trouble. I held onto my pants, unsure if she could rip them off or not, as I dashed out of the room into the hall. I pulled out my company cell phone and called her. 

"Hey Sweetie. How was your morning?"

"It's 1pm here. I was in my meeting.”

"Oh my gosh! Sweetie, is everything okay? I didn't do that during your presentation, did I?"

I didn't answer.

"Oh no. Sweetie. I'm so sorry. What happened?"

"I was fired. Let's hope I don't get charged with anything."

"I didn't mean to. I just wanted to do something special for you. I didn't realize what time it was there.”

"I know. It will be okay."

I didn't get to say any more before a police officer came up to me. "Sir, can you come with me?"

"Who is that?" Heedy said.

"What can I help you with, Officer?" I asked.

"You are under arrest for sexual assault. If you come with me now I won't put the cuffs on you."

"What's going on?" Heedy said, her voice shaky.

"Heedy, I gotta go. I am getting arrested. Can you call me a lawyer?" I said to Heedy.

"No. Don't hang up. James!"

"I love you." I said and hung up. 

The officer was nice enough to escort me out with some dignity, but I had to spend two days in jail. At the time, it was pretty grim. I had nobody and I never got that lawyer. The worst part was I didn't hear from Heedy. Even though she got me fired and jailed, I still loved her. You'd swear she put a spell on me. To go through what I did and not resent her. I didn't make it to my third day, when the brick wall behind me crumbled. Floating there was Heedy on her broom wearing a grey trench coat. Her brown hair flowing with the cool night wind.

"Come on! Let's go!"

"What are you doing?"

"I'm breaking you out of here."

"Heedy. I'm sure the charge isn't that bad. Didn't you call a lawyer?"

"All of the women at your presentation are filing charges. You could be in jail for the rest of your life. I won't standby and let you take that for something I did."

The guards came running to my cell, fumbling with the keys. Their orders for me to step away from Heedy were forced to the background. My focus was on her. I smiled. "You know you're gonna have to do more than this to repay me?"

"Oh, I have a few things in mind," she said, winking at me. 

I jumped on her broom and we flew away, never to return to Britain or Iowa. That's it. That's my story. So remember, if you date a witch you could end up a fugitive, but you will never find a partner more loyal. Or kinky. 

The Gun Did It

The detective was sitting at the table, head concealed by the folder that was inches from his face. His eyes scanned through the report, looking for more information on his suspect. A dim light shined from above while his fellow officers snickered behind the glass observation window.

"Alright Mr. Glock, where were you on the night of the fifteenth?" Detective Ruso asked.

Mr. Glock said nothing. The room was quiet like no one was there.

"Mr. Glock, you are the prime suspect in my murder investigation. You might want to start talking," he said, still transfixed by the report.

More silence followed. On the other side of the glass window, his fellow officers were in an uproar. 

"Okay Mr. Glock, according to this report you shot the victim three times. What do you have to say for yourself?" Detective Ruso asked, still not looking up.

No response.

"This is no time to be quiet. They are going to give you the chair for this. If you confess now, I can put a good word in with the DA's office."

The officers in the other room were in stitches, jumping around and pounding on the glass. Detective Ruso looked over to the window and shook his head disapprovingly. He didn't know what was going on in the other room, but he knew it was far from professional.

"I'm sorry Mr. Glock. Please don't pay any attention to the window over…" he said, stopping once he looked up from the report. 

Laying on the table was a Glock 17 with two googly eyes on the front that rocked back and forth. It even still had the evidence tag on it. 

"You've got to be shitting me," he said, turning to the window. "Really guys?"

The officers laughed and pointed at him. Although Detective Ruso could not see them, he knew they were laughing at him. He went over and picked up the gun. The gun spun around in his hand, googly eyes dancing around and cocked itself.

"I ain't going back to evidence," Mr. Glock said and shot a round through Detective Ruso's eye. 

Detective Ruso tossed Mr. Glock in the air and fell to the ground holding his eye. The other officers scrambled out of the observation room to get to Detective Ruso. Mr. Glock landed on the table and faced the door that swung open.

"You'll never take me alive!" Mr. Glock shot.

The officers filed in, guns drawn. Bullets flew in both directions. Ear splitting bangs echoed in the room. An officer fell to the ground. Then another. One officer dove low toward the table. Mr. Glock leaned over the edge, smoke sizzling off the barrel.

"Nice try,” Mr. Glock said, pointing at the helpless officer. Mr. Glock made a click sound. The officer sighed. Mr. Glock jumped off the table toward one of the downed officers. The officer scrambled to his knees and tackled Mr. Glock. 

"Let me go!" Mr. Glock said, squirming in the officer's grip, trying to point the hot barrel toward the officer's exposed skin.

The officer dismantled Mr. Glock, separating the slide from the frame. Mr. Glock screamed as the officer removed the spring and dumped the barrel from the frame. More officers rushed in to help their downed comrades. Mr. Glock's anger turned to grief. He was never going to be whole again and after this was surely going to be brought to The Grinder.

If only he kept his cool and didn't run off with the wrong crowd. He could have been an officer's gun. Protected by the law. Serving his purpose with dignity. What he would give to take it all back. To make the right decision all those years ago. But it was too late and he had to deal with the consequences. May The Forge have mercy upon his soul.

Clock Woman

"No! Don't step on that!" I yelled at her.

"Yeah right. Like I'm going to fall for that," Clock Woman said.

She took one step on the cobblestone floor and her head flew clean off her shoulders into the lava pit next to her. Her red cape covered her body that rested there on the pressure plate I made. The scythe rocked back and forth, dangling above her lifeless corpse. Dammit. I closed my eyes and opened them again. I was back on my uncomfortable throne in my castle and she was nowhere in sight. Just like the other 1825 days.

I don't know why, but I have been reliving this same day over and over again. It was supposed to be my greatest achievement. Taking down my arch nemesis, Clock Woman. What a terrible name and her suit was worse. Basically a white and red wetsuit with a red cape that had a clock on it. All it did was hide her flawless night sky complexion. Anyways, the first few days felt like deja vu or a strange dream where I did nothing but walk a few steps. It was only when I was able to walk around the castle grounds to check on my traps I realized what was happening.

I walked out to the courtyard and there she was. Posing with her hands on her hips, proud of her achievement of getting past the gator moat. My lush green shrubs outlined the light colored dirt path between us.

"I am the Clock Woman, Keeper of Time! Your time is over, Valencore!" she said, pointing at me.

God I love that line. Too bad she was never right.

"Come and get me."

She ran at me full force and made it about five steps before she disappeared in an explosion of dirt and red mist. Landmines are a bitch. Once she died my day would reset. These deaths went on for years and each time I got less satisfaction. It became a prison and I only made it worse when I tried to stop her from coming.

When my day would reset, I had about thirty minutes before she got to my castle. One day in particular I sprinted down my flight of stairs, past the minefield, over the moat and down the only dirt road to my castle. It was evening and I stumbled upon a small cottage not far from my place with the light shining through the open window. I snuck up to it and peered inside to find Clock Woman getting ready to invade my castle. 

She had a few old round clocks and a lasso on the wood table. She had her foot up on a chair, zipping up her red leather boot. The fireplace was crackling in the background as an elderly woman put on another log.

"You're heading out already little lady?" the elderly woman asked.

"Yep. Valencore won't stop himself.”

"How do you plan to stop him? He has a moat you know."

"Well I have time on my side," Clock Woman said, wiggling her gold necklace with a small clock on it.

Right after she said that, my nose tickled and I breathed in deep out of reflex. I let out a sneeze of a lifetime, knocking myself to the ground and mud flying everywhere. The next thing I saw was Clock Woman standing over me.

"Who are you?" she said, with her arms crossed.

She didn't recognize me from all the mud over my face, so I decided to use it to my advantage.

"I'm sorry for the eavesdropping, Miss. Did I hear you right, you were going to stop Valencore?"

"Yes. But that still doesn't answer who you are?"

"I'm Val...Valentine. Henry Valentine," I said, getting to my feet, wiping the mud off my cloak.

"Well Henry, I can't have you running off telling people I'm here so you're going to come with me."

"Uh...okay."

I still don't get her logic on that one, but no reason to argue. We made our way down the path and I decided to make some small talk. After all, this was the most amicable I had ever seen her.

"So, what is your plan? To stop Valencore?"

"First I need to free my sidekick, Franzwa."

"Who's that?" I asked but I knew the answer. He was this little monkey of hers. I captured him to lure her to my castle in the first place. In hindsight it was dumb to place him in the dungeon, near the lava pits. His death also would reset my day, which happened at least 400 times from spontaneous combustion or simply falling in the lava trying to free himself. Don't know which since I didn't watch every time.

"He is my best friend. We do everything together. Watch movies, garden, fight crime."

"Sounds like a pretty cool guy."

"He's a monkey."

I shrugged my shoulders. "Sounds like a pretty cool monkey."

She laughed. "He is."

"And the next step?"

"I don't know. Wing it I guess. I have plenty of time."

She had no idea how right she was. We got to the castle, which from the outside looked much more hostile than I remembered it. Jagged cobblestone walls and a giant drawbridge did a good job at being imposing, not to mention the gators thrashing around in the moat below.

"This is my stop. You stay here and don't go playing with the gators. I'll be back in no time," she said with a smile.

It was that moment I knew she was special. My whole view of her changed. Not of someone trying to ruin my plans, but of a young woman who just wanted to make sure her friend was safe. Even my plans of world domination seemed hollow in comparison. I heard the explosion go off again and knew it was my cue to start again.

That day forward I went to her everyday. Some days were shorter than others and there was the occasional surprise, but I made the effort. I got to learn everything about her. From her love for pastry and romance novels to her dislike of boy bands. Everyday was both magical and deeply unsettling. I grew to love her kind heart and positivity that never quit. And hated myself for being the cause of her repeated death.

It was our four year anniversary since we first truly met, or at least I met her. Was kind of a one-sided relationship since she remembered nothing, but I wanted to do something special for her nonetheless. I was going to tell her how I feel about her. In my mind it sounded more romantic than it was.

I ran down to the dungeon and freed Franzwa, like I did everyday since I talked to her. He kicked me in the balls every time, but I deserved it. I walked around the landmines and lowered the drawbridge. I stood there with the monkey wiggling in my arms, waiting to see her smiling face again.

In no time she arrived, sporting her normal look.

"Unhand my monkey fiend!"

That was a new one. I let go of the monkey and he ran to her on all fours, jumping up onto her shoulder like a parrot would for his captain.

"Surrender Valencore! You are no match for me!"

I put my hands up and smiled. "I surrender.”

I walked a few steps on the drawbridge. "Can I tell you something? It's going to be a lot to hear."

She raised her eyebrows. "Okay?"

"I have been reliving this day over and over for the last few years. You have broken into this castle countless times and never survived. I wanted to apologize for what I had done to you...”

"Is that all?"

"No. I wanted to say...I love you. Ever since that day we walked together to my castle, I knew you were special. I just didn't know how special. These last four years with you have been wonderful and torturing. I know you don't feel the same way about me, but I would like you to give me a chance. I've changed a lot in four years and I don't want to live another day knowing you will forget me."

Clock Woman walked up to Valencore, close enough to smell the wood fire on her clothes. She turned the tiny dial on her clock necklace to twelve.

"You're free."