Timezone Voodoo

I want to start by saying I love my girlfriend. She is the best. Heedy is thoughtful and a very giving person. But her timing is terrible. This is the tale of how I wound up living with her parents in the Magic Realm instead of Iowa. Don't get me wrong, her parents are wonderful and their place by the ocean is much nicer than Iowa could ever be, but I want to warn anyone interested in a witch that your life can change drastically, so be prepared. Anyways to the story.

It was a Monday...no Tuesday. I was flown out to Britain for a business meeting with our European branch to work on logistics for our new line of cereal, Cracker Yaks. It was basically Corn Flakes shaped like yaks. The most important part was Thursday, where I had a big presentation for the board. If I aced it, there was a promotion in it for me. That prospect also brought a lot of stress that Heedy somehow picked up on during my telephone call with her that night.

"Hello Sweetie, how was your flight?" Heedy said.

"It was long, but I'm finally here,” I said, half-thinking about my upcoming presentation.

"You sound tired...and a little stressed. Is everything ok?"

Heedy could always sense more than I let on, even when I tried to hide it. Made lying impossible, especially when I was tired.

"I'm a little nervous about my presentation on Thursday, but nothing I can't handle."

"I wish I could be with you right now. Give you those feet massages you like so much."

"I think you like them more than me,” I said, looking at my wiggling toes.

She giggled. "Guilty. But don't lie, you like them."

"Well I should be back Saturday. Then you can do whatever you want to me."

"I don't know if I can wait that long," she said, rummaging through something.

"What are you doing over there?"

"I found it."

"Found what?"

"Oh you'll see. You have a good afternoon. I got work to do. Kisses."

She hung up before I could correct her and I laid back on my soft bed. Little did I know, what she had planned was going to change my whole life.

The next day came around with no issues. It was a full day of meetings and I got a lot of work done. Even got to see the distribution center and it was better than I imagined. My joints felt a little like I pulled something during the tour, but otherwise fine. Everything was going so well I had time to finish my presentation. Once I finished, my nerves really kicked in. I gave Heedy a call, hoping hearing her voice would calm me.

"Sweetie! How was your day?"

"Really good actually. Got a lot work done."

"You're still stressed aren't you?"

"Maybe."

"Don't worry, I think I have just the thing," she said and placed the phone down. I heard her feet patter away and come back. "Okay, do you feel anything?"

"What?"

"How about now?"

I shifted the phone to my other ear. "Am I supposed to feel something?"

"Hmm. I must be missing something."

"What are you doing?"

"I wanted to surprise you. I made a voodoo doll so I could give you those feet rubs you like so much."

"Heedy, that is so thoughtful. But I'm going to be home soon."

"I know...it's just I know you are nervous about tomorrow and I wanted to do something nice."

"Just you talking with me is all I need to get through tomorrow.”

"Awww."

"I am going to get some sleep. Make sure I'm fully rested. I will call you tomorrow when I smash that presentation out of the park."

"Okay Sweetie. Kisses."

"Kisses."

The next day arrived and started well. Finalized some numbers, signed a few things, and some guys in the office took me out for lunch before the big presentation. With a little liquid courage and a full stomach I was ready for the presentation. I got to the board room and sat down at the long table. I was the only guy there, surrounded by attractive executives. If I didn't have eyes for Heedy, it would have been hard to focus on this meeting. Each one was more attractive than the next with their slimming suits and well groomed hair.

I sat there listening to the board go through the agenda items and my feet felt like a soft hand was sliding against it. It was followed by pressure in two spots at the base of my heel. I wiggled my toes while my feet relaxed. It was Heedy giving me a foot massage. I smiled to myself, thinking how I could have such an amazing woman in my life, until I realized it was morning at home. My face turned to dread as the sensation of her hands moved up my legs. 

"Mr. Portan, can you show us your presentation?" Mrs. Gorfred asked.

"Are you sure you don't want me to wait till the end?"

"Nonsense. Go ahead."

I blinked hard and tried to focus on anything but Heedy's invisible hands moving up to my groin.

"So…"

"Please stand up so we can all see you."

I hesitated and realized the sensation was gone. I didn't have much time. I shot up from my seat and adjusted my tie.

"Alright. Our newest brand, Cracker Yaks had been extremely success in the…" I said, continuing my speech. The speech wasn't the important part as much as the growing bulge in my pants from Heedy. I tried to think of anything else while I spoke. Alligators, monster trucks, the actual presentation. Nothing worked. Heedy was great, but her timing was awful.

"Mr. Portan, I'm going to stop you. Are you…"

She didn't even get to finish her sentence before…well...let's just say the woman next to me was very uncomfortable. And the one across the table licked her lips.

"Mr. Portan! You can leave now. Consider yourself fired," Mrs. Gorfred said. 

I ran out of there fast before Heedy got me in any more trouble. I held onto my pants, unsure if she could rip them off or not, as I dashed out of the room into the hall. I pulled out my company cell phone and called her. 

"Hey Sweetie. How was your morning?"

"It's 1pm here. I was in my meeting.”

"Oh my gosh! Sweetie, is everything okay? I didn't do that during your presentation, did I?"

I didn't answer.

"Oh no. Sweetie. I'm so sorry. What happened?"

"I was fired. Let's hope I don't get charged with anything."

"I didn't mean to. I just wanted to do something special for you. I didn't realize what time it was there.”

"I know. It will be okay."

I didn't get to say any more before a police officer came up to me. "Sir, can you come with me?"

"Who is that?" Heedy said.

"What can I help you with, Officer?" I asked.

"You are under arrest for sexual assault. If you come with me now I won't put the cuffs on you."

"What's going on?" Heedy said, her voice shaky.

"Heedy, I gotta go. I am getting arrested. Can you call me a lawyer?" I said to Heedy.

"No. Don't hang up. James!"

"I love you." I said and hung up. 

The officer was nice enough to escort me out with some dignity, but I had to spend two days in jail. At the time, it was pretty grim. I had nobody and I never got that lawyer. The worst part was I didn't hear from Heedy. Even though she got me fired and jailed, I still loved her. You'd swear she put a spell on me. To go through what I did and not resent her. I didn't make it to my third day, when the brick wall behind me crumbled. Floating there was Heedy on her broom wearing a grey trench coat. Her brown hair flowing with the cool night wind.

"Come on! Let's go!"

"What are you doing?"

"I'm breaking you out of here."

"Heedy. I'm sure the charge isn't that bad. Didn't you call a lawyer?"

"All of the women at your presentation are filing charges. You could be in jail for the rest of your life. I won't standby and let you take that for something I did."

The guards came running to my cell, fumbling with the keys. Their orders for me to step away from Heedy were forced to the background. My focus was on her. I smiled. "You know you're gonna have to do more than this to repay me?"

"Oh, I have a few things in mind," she said, winking at me. 

I jumped on her broom and we flew away, never to return to Britain or Iowa. That's it. That's my story. So remember, if you date a witch you could end up a fugitive, but you will never find a partner more loyal. Or kinky.