Space Pirate Radio

"...we'll be back with another lucky caller after a word from our sponsors," Jal said into the mic before clicking a button on the slate in front of him.

He took off his headphones while music started playing. Jal looked over to his right where his producer was giving him a thumbs up from the other room. His producer waddled away from the window and opened the door into the studio.

"Jal, I just got word that Wild Bill Killbot will be the next caller!" Jal's producer said.

"Wild Bill? Really?!"

"Yes! This is going to shoot our ratings into the next galaxy! Space Pirate Radio really needed this!" Jal's producer said, unable to stop pacing around the room.

"Calm down, Hal. You're making me nervous."

"Sorry. I'm just so excited! Is there anything you need before we go live with him?"

"I think I'm good. How long do I have?"

Hal glanced at his watch. "Oh, twenty seconds. I'll get out of your hair. Knock 'em dead!"

Jal sat up in his chair and put his headphones back on. Smooth electronic music was playing followed by a sultry voice that said, "When you need somewhere to land, you're in good hands. TerraCorp." Jal rolled his eyes. There was no reason TerraCorp needed to advertise, seeing as they were the only contractor for landing platforms in several galaxies. A literal galactic monopoly. Yet when they asked them for a sponsorship, it was like pulling teeth from a De'Kari's mouth. All because they weren't "a legitimate organization." Hal was somehow able to convince them, but there were probably strings attached.

Jal shook himself out of his own frustrations and tapped his slate twice. "This is Space Pirate Radio and we are back with our next caller. For those listeners who aren't aware of our program for this hour, we like to take calls from fellow space pirates and hear their stories. Today is no exception and we have a doozy for you. Right now we have Wild Bill Killbot on the other line. Say hello, Bill.”

"Howdy everyone," Bill said with a robotic twang.

"On behalf of all our listeners, I would like to thank you for calling. You have quite a legendary reputation, so we are honored to have you."

"No problem. My darling sitting next to me here thought it would be a good idea for me to talk with you all, so here I am."

"So you have a lady in your life? How do you balance piracy with your love life?"

Bill laughed. "At first it wasn't an easy one. Being the CEO of your own company comes with a lot of stress and responsibilities. Doesn't leave much for downtime. But once I found Darcy here, work has been easier."

"Ah, so she gives you focus?"

"She helps me run the show. My reputation has been mostly of a loner, which I'm sure your audience knows. Cooperation with others in my line of work can be necessary at times, but trust is not. Once I found someone I could trust, my workload got cut in half."

"I imagine with that much less work, you have more time to plan bigger jobs?"

"You are absolutely right. In fact, we got done with a big job moments before we called. This interview is more of a victory lap."

"Might I ask which job? Or the take?"

"I don't usually spout off about my victories, but Darcy isn't much for all these rumors about me. She wants the truth out about me rather than legends told by people who weren't there. So Darcy, this is for you…" Bill said. Jal could practically feel Bill tipping his cowboy hat to her. "We just got done robbing TerraCorp. More specifically, we stole all their trade secrets and they will be out for bidding real soon."

Jal looked over to Hal, both with their mouths wide open. Bill had stolen from their sponsor. And the worst part, it was their main sponsor responsible for keeping the lights on after that incident on Kalfar 9. Jal knew their sponsorship was over and with it their radio station if he didn't act fast.

"That is an impressive feat alright. How would you like to do the bidding on the air? At our station?" Jal said, looking over to Hal who was pounding his hands against the window and shaking his head.

"That is mighty kind of you. I might just take you up on that offer. Got to talk it over with Darcy here."

"It was great having you on the show Wild Bill and I hope we hear from you again real soon. Maybe you can dispel a few lurking legends."

"I would be glad to set the record straight. You would be surprised how many of those legends are actually watered down."

"Well you heard that audience. Sometime soon we will have Wild Bill Killbot back. This is Space Pirate Radio, playing the best classics from the 22nd Century," Jal said and tapped his slate again to let the music take over.

Hal stormed into the room. "What the hell are you doing?"

"Trying to save the radio station," Jal said, taking off his headphones.

"By inviting him to the studio? We won't have a station to air after this! Any second now TerraCorp is going to be on the phone asking why we just offered to sell their intellectual property. I wouldn't be surprised if there isn't a ship coming to blow us up!"

"Relax. I have a plan."

"Can you regale me with this 'plan' of yours," Hal asked.

"When he agrees, he will be here. Once he arrives we alert TerraCorp and they will send someone to take them out."

"What if they decide it is easier to blow up our entire station?"

"Then maybe we handle it ourselves."

"Ourselves? Look at me. I'm not a mercenary. That is Wild Bill Killbot. What part of his name don't you understand?" Hal said, showing off his beer gut. A little red light blinked on Hal's watch. "Great. That's them."

"Just tell them my plan. Assure them we won't let Bill on the air and we will make sure their property is returned," Jal said.

Hal stared at Jal for a moment, thinking about the other options they had. None were good. At least Jal's plan had a fighting chance and kept their dignity. Hal groaned, "This better work."

***

Jal was sitting on the toilet pissing bricks. Usually his stool was plugged up, but stress had been doing a real number on him. Sweat dripped down his forehead as he operated his slate with one hand. TerraCorp agreed to give them a shot and even offered a finder's fee for getting it back. It was so significant, they could increase their staff, setup new stations, and still have enough to retire in peace. In order for that to happen, Jal still needed to get Bill to the station.

A message flew up on Jal's slate.

Howdy Jal. I still want to go over some logistics for making this auction happen. Are you free for a call?" -Bill Killbot

Jal cursed himself as another kidney stone passed. Almost crushing his slate, his autocorrect sent the message 'Yes!' The slate vibrated in his hand, shocking him.

"Damn you, autocorrect," Jal said, before lifting the slate higher so it wouldn't look like he was still on the toilet. His screen showed Bill, dressed how Jal imagined. His brown cowboy hat was lined with fiber thin lights along the brim that distracted from his silver metallic face. If it wasn't for his face being metal, it looked incredibly human-like.

"Howdy, Jal. Thanks for letting me contact you in such a hurry."

"No problem," Jal said, hiding the stinging pain below his waist.

"So I got the proposal and it all looks good. I am planning on flyin in tomorrow. Is there anything I need to know about your docking bay?"

"It is a universal space dock. No place for ships inside the station. We are a small one here."

"No problem. Last thing, you have enough room in your studio for myself and Darcy? I want her to be there with me when the money starts flowing."

"Yes, we have enough room for a few people in here as well as a big screen for us all to watch. Do you want anything to eat or drink when you're here?”

"My Darcy loves chocolate, like all women."

"A bowl of Chocolate Bites will be waiting when you two arrive," Jal said, looking at his pile of kidney stones at the bottom of his bowl.

"You are a good man Jal. I look forward to meeting you proper in person."

"Me too. See you tomorrow," Jal said, gritting his teeth to stop another kidney stone from passing.

Bill tipped his hat to him and the slate went blank. Jal groaned in pain, releasing yet another kidney stone from his poor body. Through the pain, he still smiled. His plan was coming together and he was fairly certain that was the last of those little bastards. He tapped on his slate to let Hal know the good news...and that he needed all of Hal's Chocolate Bites. Hal needed to lay off them anyways.

***

The day arrived and Jal was in Hal's office going over the plan one more time.

"What am I supposed to do again?" Hal asked, flicking the alien bobblehead on his glass desk.

"You need to disengage the dock once I take them into the studio. If they have backups of their data on the ship, we have to make sure they can't get to it."

"Won't he be alerted? I imagine this guy has all kinds of countermeasures. He is a robot after all."

"But he won't be prepared for this," Jal said, taking out a white laser pistol that was tucked in his silver pants.

"Where did you get that?" Hal said, rocking back in his chair.

"I got it after that incident on Kalfar 9."

"That pistol wouldn't have fixed that."

"True, but it will help us capture a known deadly pirate," Jal said, shaking it like a rattle. "Unless you think he would surrender to two unarmed men."

"I see your point. How are we going to restrain them?"

"Once you're done disconnecting the dock, you come in and attach this to Bill," Jal said, putting a quarter-sized blue and gold chip on the desk.

Hal felt the smooth texture of metal in his fingers. "An EMP chip. What about the woman?"

"I think between us both, we can restrain a woman."

Hal nodded in agreement and got up from his seat. He went over to the window that showed a dark grey ship coming toward them. It was an eighth the size of their station with sharp angles around the cockpit area. The wings flared up with a curl at the end, resembling the end of a scroll.

"That must be them. You better go greet our guests," Hal said, unwilling to take his eyes off the ship.

Jal smiled and turned to leave Hal's office. He took the door on his right, navigated through the studio and out the next door that was behind his seat. From there he traveled down the quiet hallway made of glass on all sides, allowing him to see the ship coming into dock. Jal got to the port on the wall and tapped his slate a few times. Stowing his slate, he patted his back to make sure the pistol was hidden under his silver jacket.

The airlock opened and out came Bill and Darcy. Bill stood a few inches taller than Jal, donning his brown duster jacket. Each step he made jingled from the spurs on his boots. On his arm was Darcy, sporting a more modern look. A red jumpsuit that outlined the curves of a more built woman graced her body. Her grey boots were oversized, but not to the point of being a clown. Jal smiled at the odd couple and outstretched his hand.

"It is a pleasure to finally meet you in person, Bill Killbot."

"You as well," Bill said, taking Jal's hand.

Jal then pivoted to Darcy. "And this must be Darcy. Bill here said you would be accompanying him, but he never mentioned how beautiful you are."

Darcy blushed. "You are a charmer. You might want to go easy on that, Bill here gets jealous mighty fast.”

"I sure do," Bill said, laying a kiss on her cheek while casually showing off his six shooter in his holster.

"Then I guess we better get on with it. If you want to follow me," Jal said, leading them back to the studio.

They all entered the room and Jal showed them to their seats next to him, facing a large screen. He placed his slate down and started tapping away. While he was doing that, Hal entered the room. Out of reflex, Bill placed his hand on his pistol and had it half drawn by the time Hal closed the door behind him.

"It's alright. This is my producer Hal. We are the only ones here," Jal reassured Bill.

Bill re-holstered his weapon, but did not let up on his gaze, staring through Hal's very soul. Hal did not break eye contact out of fear more than anything. Bill's robotic eyes swirled not unlike an airplane turbine. It sent a tingle down Hal's spine that only got worse the closer he got to him. Darcy was oblivious to it all, eating Hal's Chocolate Bites on the table.

"Do you have the data? I will need it to interface with the screen once we go live here," Jal said, trying to draw Bill's attention away from Hal.

Darcy reached into her jumpsuit and Bill pinned her arm to her chest.

"This is no time to get handsy, Billy," Darcy said, with a smile that suggested otherwise.

"Something's not right about this," Bill said, still looking in Hal's direction.

Hal noticed Bill was not looking at him anymore, but beyond him. Like he was thinking...or was getting an alert. Hal rushed Bill, pushing past Darcy to get to him. Bill drew his gun and fired at the same time Hal got a hand on him, pushing the shot into the floor. The two crashed to the floor in the struggle, while Jal drew his pistol.

"Don't move Darcy," Jal said, pointing the pistol at her.

"You bastards!" Bill yelled trying to point his gun at Jal.

Hal took that opportunity to slap the EMP chip on him. It stuck to Bill like a refrigerator magnet and Bill's whole body went limp in an instant.

"Bill!" Darcy yelled, lunging at Hal's back. Jal shot a laser blast past her head, getting her attention.

"Hand us the chip and we will let you go," Jal said.

"You killed Bill!"

"He's only paralyzed. But I can make it permanent if you want," Jal bluffed, not wanting to kill either of them.

"All for this lousy chip," Darcy said, taking out the grey chip from her jumpsuit and throwing it in Jal's chest. "Now let him go!"

"We can't do that. TerraCorp made it clear we needed to ensure the data doesn't get out. He might have downloaded the data to his memory," Hal said, standing up over Bill's body.

"He didn't do that I swear! Let us go!"

"We will call you a shuttle, but he stays here until TerraCorp can take a look at him."

Darcy dove at Bill and brushed the EMP chip off his wrist before Hal could stop her. Bill woke up as fast as he went limp, firing off a shot near Jal's legs. Without waiting to see if he hit, he went to fire at Hal. Hal used Darcy as a human shield, tossing her into Bill to block the pistol's lane of fire, before leaping over the table. Bill got to his feet, grabbed Darcy by the arm and twirled her behind him, laying down covering fire to make their escape. Jal leaped over the table to join Hal behind cover, firing his pistol in the air.

"Was this part of your plan?" Hal yelled over the chaos.

"You still undocked them right?" Jal asked.

"Yes, I did it remotely."

Jal shot a few more blasts over his cover. "Lock the doors. We'll trap them in the hallway."

Hal peeked over their cover and dropped as a shot landed inches to the left of him.

"He is still in the doorway."

"Force lockdown procedure. Now!"

Hal turned the dial on his watch, pressed the surface of his watch and held his finger there until red light flooded the room.

"Lockdown Procedure in Effect," a voice rang from above. Hal looked up from his cover again and Bill was gone.

"They're in the hallway. How are we going to get them back to TerraCorp?"

"I'm thinking," Jal said standing up to get a look at his surroundings. All of his equipment had holes in it or was shattered into pieces that littered the floor. He went to the window looking into Hal's office, trying to get a look at the window outside. In the distance he saw Bill's ship floating in space. It was a relief that half the plan worked.

"Nothing has changed. We know where they are and they aren't going anywhere. Call in a shuttle and give it a round-trip destination back to TerraCorp." Jal ordered.

"What if Bill hacks it? Can he hack an automated shuttle?" Hal asked, standing up with a handful of Chocolate Bites that survived.

"I'm not sure. I never thought about it," Jal said.

"Hey Jal, is their ship moving?" Hal asked with a mouthful of chocolate, watching through the windows.

Sure enough, the ship started to change course toward the docking platform, but at a fast speed. Hal unlocked the door to his office with the flick of a wrist and they both funneled in to get a better look. They lost it from the window, but Hal pulled it up on a small monitor behind his chair. They saw Bill inspecting Darcy's suit, while she secured a helmet that they did not see earlier. The ship was coming in hot and Bill wrapped his arms around her before the ship crashed into the glass structure.

If it wasn't for Bill's duster flapping in the direction of the damaged hallway, Jal and Hal would have thought the ship made a perfect seal with the hallway it smashed into. Bill and Darcy walked in sync toward the ship and the ship door opened to greet them. Once they were inside, the door slid closed behind them and the ship was still. For almost a minute it sat there before it lurched forward. The ship flipped and spun 360 degrees in both directions, completely obviating the hallway into glass and metal chunks before blasting off.

"Was that in your plan, Jal?" Hal asked, tossing another chocolate in his mouth.

"Nope. That was not in my plan," Jal said, staring at the camera feeds.

"What do we do now genius?"

Jal turned to Hal. "We have the chip with the data. So, who's to say we didn't stop them? They were killed in our hallway after trying to undock their ship."

"Vaporized. I think they were vaporized," Hal finished with a smirk.

"Vaporized. Vaporized indeed."