Space Pirate Radio

"...we'll be back with another lucky caller after a word from our sponsors," Jal said into the mic before clicking a button on the slate in front of him.

He took off his headphones while music started playing. Jal looked over to his right where his producer was giving him a thumbs up from the other room. His producer waddled away from the window and opened the door into the studio.

"Jal, I just got word that Wild Bill Killbot will be the next caller!" Jal's producer said.

"Wild Bill? Really?!"

"Yes! This is going to shoot our ratings into the next galaxy! Space Pirate Radio really needed this!" Jal's producer said, unable to stop pacing around the room.

"Calm down, Hal. You're making me nervous."

"Sorry. I'm just so excited! Is there anything you need before we go live with him?"

"I think I'm good. How long do I have?"

Hal glanced at his watch. "Oh, twenty seconds. I'll get out of your hair. Knock 'em dead!"

Jal sat up in his chair and put his headphones back on. Smooth electronic music was playing followed by a sultry voice that said, "When you need somewhere to land, you're in good hands. TerraCorp." Jal rolled his eyes. There was no reason TerraCorp needed to advertise, seeing as they were the only contractor for landing platforms in several galaxies. A literal galactic monopoly. Yet when they asked them for a sponsorship, it was like pulling teeth from a De'Kari's mouth. All because they weren't "a legitimate organization." Hal was somehow able to convince them, but there were probably strings attached.

Jal shook himself out of his own frustrations and tapped his slate twice. "This is Space Pirate Radio and we are back with our next caller. For those listeners who aren't aware of our program for this hour, we like to take calls from fellow space pirates and hear their stories. Today is no exception and we have a doozy for you. Right now we have Wild Bill Killbot on the other line. Say hello, Bill.”

"Howdy everyone," Bill said with a robotic twang.

"On behalf of all our listeners, I would like to thank you for calling. You have quite a legendary reputation, so we are honored to have you."

"No problem. My darling sitting next to me here thought it would be a good idea for me to talk with you all, so here I am."

"So you have a lady in your life? How do you balance piracy with your love life?"

Bill laughed. "At first it wasn't an easy one. Being the CEO of your own company comes with a lot of stress and responsibilities. Doesn't leave much for downtime. But once I found Darcy here, work has been easier."

"Ah, so she gives you focus?"

"She helps me run the show. My reputation has been mostly of a loner, which I'm sure your audience knows. Cooperation with others in my line of work can be necessary at times, but trust is not. Once I found someone I could trust, my workload got cut in half."

"I imagine with that much less work, you have more time to plan bigger jobs?"

"You are absolutely right. In fact, we got done with a big job moments before we called. This interview is more of a victory lap."

"Might I ask which job? Or the take?"

"I don't usually spout off about my victories, but Darcy isn't much for all these rumors about me. She wants the truth out about me rather than legends told by people who weren't there. So Darcy, this is for you…" Bill said. Jal could practically feel Bill tipping his cowboy hat to her. "We just got done robbing TerraCorp. More specifically, we stole all their trade secrets and they will be out for bidding real soon."

Jal looked over to Hal, both with their mouths wide open. Bill had stolen from their sponsor. And the worst part, it was their main sponsor responsible for keeping the lights on after that incident on Kalfar 9. Jal knew their sponsorship was over and with it their radio station if he didn't act fast.

"That is an impressive feat alright. How would you like to do the bidding on the air? At our station?" Jal said, looking over to Hal who was pounding his hands against the window and shaking his head.

"That is mighty kind of you. I might just take you up on that offer. Got to talk it over with Darcy here."

"It was great having you on the show Wild Bill and I hope we hear from you again real soon. Maybe you can dispel a few lurking legends."

"I would be glad to set the record straight. You would be surprised how many of those legends are actually watered down."

"Well you heard that audience. Sometime soon we will have Wild Bill Killbot back. This is Space Pirate Radio, playing the best classics from the 22nd Century," Jal said and tapped his slate again to let the music take over.

Hal stormed into the room. "What the hell are you doing?"

"Trying to save the radio station," Jal said, taking off his headphones.

"By inviting him to the studio? We won't have a station to air after this! Any second now TerraCorp is going to be on the phone asking why we just offered to sell their intellectual property. I wouldn't be surprised if there isn't a ship coming to blow us up!"

"Relax. I have a plan."

"Can you regale me with this 'plan' of yours," Hal asked.

"When he agrees, he will be here. Once he arrives we alert TerraCorp and they will send someone to take them out."

"What if they decide it is easier to blow up our entire station?"

"Then maybe we handle it ourselves."

"Ourselves? Look at me. I'm not a mercenary. That is Wild Bill Killbot. What part of his name don't you understand?" Hal said, showing off his beer gut. A little red light blinked on Hal's watch. "Great. That's them."

"Just tell them my plan. Assure them we won't let Bill on the air and we will make sure their property is returned," Jal said.

Hal stared at Jal for a moment, thinking about the other options they had. None were good. At least Jal's plan had a fighting chance and kept their dignity. Hal groaned, "This better work."

***

Jal was sitting on the toilet pissing bricks. Usually his stool was plugged up, but stress had been doing a real number on him. Sweat dripped down his forehead as he operated his slate with one hand. TerraCorp agreed to give them a shot and even offered a finder's fee for getting it back. It was so significant, they could increase their staff, setup new stations, and still have enough to retire in peace. In order for that to happen, Jal still needed to get Bill to the station.

A message flew up on Jal's slate.

Howdy Jal. I still want to go over some logistics for making this auction happen. Are you free for a call?" -Bill Killbot

Jal cursed himself as another kidney stone passed. Almost crushing his slate, his autocorrect sent the message 'Yes!' The slate vibrated in his hand, shocking him.

"Damn you, autocorrect," Jal said, before lifting the slate higher so it wouldn't look like he was still on the toilet. His screen showed Bill, dressed how Jal imagined. His brown cowboy hat was lined with fiber thin lights along the brim that distracted from his silver metallic face. If it wasn't for his face being metal, it looked incredibly human-like.

"Howdy, Jal. Thanks for letting me contact you in such a hurry."

"No problem," Jal said, hiding the stinging pain below his waist.

"So I got the proposal and it all looks good. I am planning on flyin in tomorrow. Is there anything I need to know about your docking bay?"

"It is a universal space dock. No place for ships inside the station. We are a small one here."

"No problem. Last thing, you have enough room in your studio for myself and Darcy? I want her to be there with me when the money starts flowing."

"Yes, we have enough room for a few people in here as well as a big screen for us all to watch. Do you want anything to eat or drink when you're here?”

"My Darcy loves chocolate, like all women."

"A bowl of Chocolate Bites will be waiting when you two arrive," Jal said, looking at his pile of kidney stones at the bottom of his bowl.

"You are a good man Jal. I look forward to meeting you proper in person."

"Me too. See you tomorrow," Jal said, gritting his teeth to stop another kidney stone from passing.

Bill tipped his hat to him and the slate went blank. Jal groaned in pain, releasing yet another kidney stone from his poor body. Through the pain, he still smiled. His plan was coming together and he was fairly certain that was the last of those little bastards. He tapped on his slate to let Hal know the good news...and that he needed all of Hal's Chocolate Bites. Hal needed to lay off them anyways.

***

The day arrived and Jal was in Hal's office going over the plan one more time.

"What am I supposed to do again?" Hal asked, flicking the alien bobblehead on his glass desk.

"You need to disengage the dock once I take them into the studio. If they have backups of their data on the ship, we have to make sure they can't get to it."

"Won't he be alerted? I imagine this guy has all kinds of countermeasures. He is a robot after all."

"But he won't be prepared for this," Jal said, taking out a white laser pistol that was tucked in his silver pants.

"Where did you get that?" Hal said, rocking back in his chair.

"I got it after that incident on Kalfar 9."

"That pistol wouldn't have fixed that."

"True, but it will help us capture a known deadly pirate," Jal said, shaking it like a rattle. "Unless you think he would surrender to two unarmed men."

"I see your point. How are we going to restrain them?"

"Once you're done disconnecting the dock, you come in and attach this to Bill," Jal said, putting a quarter-sized blue and gold chip on the desk.

Hal felt the smooth texture of metal in his fingers. "An EMP chip. What about the woman?"

"I think between us both, we can restrain a woman."

Hal nodded in agreement and got up from his seat. He went over to the window that showed a dark grey ship coming toward them. It was an eighth the size of their station with sharp angles around the cockpit area. The wings flared up with a curl at the end, resembling the end of a scroll.

"That must be them. You better go greet our guests," Hal said, unwilling to take his eyes off the ship.

Jal smiled and turned to leave Hal's office. He took the door on his right, navigated through the studio and out the next door that was behind his seat. From there he traveled down the quiet hallway made of glass on all sides, allowing him to see the ship coming into dock. Jal got to the port on the wall and tapped his slate a few times. Stowing his slate, he patted his back to make sure the pistol was hidden under his silver jacket.

The airlock opened and out came Bill and Darcy. Bill stood a few inches taller than Jal, donning his brown duster jacket. Each step he made jingled from the spurs on his boots. On his arm was Darcy, sporting a more modern look. A red jumpsuit that outlined the curves of a more built woman graced her body. Her grey boots were oversized, but not to the point of being a clown. Jal smiled at the odd couple and outstretched his hand.

"It is a pleasure to finally meet you in person, Bill Killbot."

"You as well," Bill said, taking Jal's hand.

Jal then pivoted to Darcy. "And this must be Darcy. Bill here said you would be accompanying him, but he never mentioned how beautiful you are."

Darcy blushed. "You are a charmer. You might want to go easy on that, Bill here gets jealous mighty fast.”

"I sure do," Bill said, laying a kiss on her cheek while casually showing off his six shooter in his holster.

"Then I guess we better get on with it. If you want to follow me," Jal said, leading them back to the studio.

They all entered the room and Jal showed them to their seats next to him, facing a large screen. He placed his slate down and started tapping away. While he was doing that, Hal entered the room. Out of reflex, Bill placed his hand on his pistol and had it half drawn by the time Hal closed the door behind him.

"It's alright. This is my producer Hal. We are the only ones here," Jal reassured Bill.

Bill re-holstered his weapon, but did not let up on his gaze, staring through Hal's very soul. Hal did not break eye contact out of fear more than anything. Bill's robotic eyes swirled not unlike an airplane turbine. It sent a tingle down Hal's spine that only got worse the closer he got to him. Darcy was oblivious to it all, eating Hal's Chocolate Bites on the table.

"Do you have the data? I will need it to interface with the screen once we go live here," Jal said, trying to draw Bill's attention away from Hal.

Darcy reached into her jumpsuit and Bill pinned her arm to her chest.

"This is no time to get handsy, Billy," Darcy said, with a smile that suggested otherwise.

"Something's not right about this," Bill said, still looking in Hal's direction.

Hal noticed Bill was not looking at him anymore, but beyond him. Like he was thinking...or was getting an alert. Hal rushed Bill, pushing past Darcy to get to him. Bill drew his gun and fired at the same time Hal got a hand on him, pushing the shot into the floor. The two crashed to the floor in the struggle, while Jal drew his pistol.

"Don't move Darcy," Jal said, pointing the pistol at her.

"You bastards!" Bill yelled trying to point his gun at Jal.

Hal took that opportunity to slap the EMP chip on him. It stuck to Bill like a refrigerator magnet and Bill's whole body went limp in an instant.

"Bill!" Darcy yelled, lunging at Hal's back. Jal shot a laser blast past her head, getting her attention.

"Hand us the chip and we will let you go," Jal said.

"You killed Bill!"

"He's only paralyzed. But I can make it permanent if you want," Jal bluffed, not wanting to kill either of them.

"All for this lousy chip," Darcy said, taking out the grey chip from her jumpsuit and throwing it in Jal's chest. "Now let him go!"

"We can't do that. TerraCorp made it clear we needed to ensure the data doesn't get out. He might have downloaded the data to his memory," Hal said, standing up over Bill's body.

"He didn't do that I swear! Let us go!"

"We will call you a shuttle, but he stays here until TerraCorp can take a look at him."

Darcy dove at Bill and brushed the EMP chip off his wrist before Hal could stop her. Bill woke up as fast as he went limp, firing off a shot near Jal's legs. Without waiting to see if he hit, he went to fire at Hal. Hal used Darcy as a human shield, tossing her into Bill to block the pistol's lane of fire, before leaping over the table. Bill got to his feet, grabbed Darcy by the arm and twirled her behind him, laying down covering fire to make their escape. Jal leaped over the table to join Hal behind cover, firing his pistol in the air.

"Was this part of your plan?" Hal yelled over the chaos.

"You still undocked them right?" Jal asked.

"Yes, I did it remotely."

Jal shot a few more blasts over his cover. "Lock the doors. We'll trap them in the hallway."

Hal peeked over their cover and dropped as a shot landed inches to the left of him.

"He is still in the doorway."

"Force lockdown procedure. Now!"

Hal turned the dial on his watch, pressed the surface of his watch and held his finger there until red light flooded the room.

"Lockdown Procedure in Effect," a voice rang from above. Hal looked up from his cover again and Bill was gone.

"They're in the hallway. How are we going to get them back to TerraCorp?"

"I'm thinking," Jal said standing up to get a look at his surroundings. All of his equipment had holes in it or was shattered into pieces that littered the floor. He went to the window looking into Hal's office, trying to get a look at the window outside. In the distance he saw Bill's ship floating in space. It was a relief that half the plan worked.

"Nothing has changed. We know where they are and they aren't going anywhere. Call in a shuttle and give it a round-trip destination back to TerraCorp." Jal ordered.

"What if Bill hacks it? Can he hack an automated shuttle?" Hal asked, standing up with a handful of Chocolate Bites that survived.

"I'm not sure. I never thought about it," Jal said.

"Hey Jal, is their ship moving?" Hal asked with a mouthful of chocolate, watching through the windows.

Sure enough, the ship started to change course toward the docking platform, but at a fast speed. Hal unlocked the door to his office with the flick of a wrist and they both funneled in to get a better look. They lost it from the window, but Hal pulled it up on a small monitor behind his chair. They saw Bill inspecting Darcy's suit, while she secured a helmet that they did not see earlier. The ship was coming in hot and Bill wrapped his arms around her before the ship crashed into the glass structure.

If it wasn't for Bill's duster flapping in the direction of the damaged hallway, Jal and Hal would have thought the ship made a perfect seal with the hallway it smashed into. Bill and Darcy walked in sync toward the ship and the ship door opened to greet them. Once they were inside, the door slid closed behind them and the ship was still. For almost a minute it sat there before it lurched forward. The ship flipped and spun 360 degrees in both directions, completely obviating the hallway into glass and metal chunks before blasting off.

"Was that in your plan, Jal?" Hal asked, tossing another chocolate in his mouth.

"Nope. That was not in my plan," Jal said, staring at the camera feeds.

"What do we do now genius?"

Jal turned to Hal. "We have the chip with the data. So, who's to say we didn't stop them? They were killed in our hallway after trying to undock their ship."

"Vaporized. I think they were vaporized," Hal finished with a smirk.

"Vaporized. Vaporized indeed."

Piracy Paperwork

Pallen dropped yet another form into the sea of white paper on the kitchen table. "This a load of Farek shit."

"I know, Cap. How many forms are left in that packet you got?" Carlton asked. 

"Packet? Carlton, I got a whole fucking crate in the cargo bay. This is section A. I bet it goes through the whole alphabet."

Carlton grabbed a random form on the table. His eyes wandered along the page and his brow twitched. "I guess we don't meet the diversity requirement."

"Bullshit. I have crew members from all over Earth. Hell we even have a few aliens. Look at K'ier."

"We need at least one member from each of the Founding Planets," Carlton read.

Pallen's eyes grew with anger. "I refuse to have a Farek aboard my vessel!"

"Come on sir, they are not all bad."

"I'm not sure there are any that are good. Don't you remember the massacre of Icur Nine?"

"Well it doesn't matter, we still need at least one to meet compliance, Cap," Carlton said, tossing the paper on the table.

The doors to the kitchen swooshed open and a man with crew cut hair walked in wearing a grey uniform with red shoulders. He slouched and held his left elbow. 

"Captain Pallen. We have someone who wants to interview for the open position?" 

"What's wrong with your elbow?" Pallen asked.

"Nothing sir," the man said, but his face gave him away when he let it dangle by his side.

"Fine, don't tell me. Just go get it checked out with Doc below deck. And bring in the candidate. I could use a distraction from this."

"Yes sir," the man said and the door closed behind him. 

Pallen stood up and walked to the middle of the table. The lights hummed above him as if him leaving his chair was an insult to their very being. 

"Can we please get someone to fix these lights? They drive me nuts," Pallen said.

"I can do it," a sultry voice said at the same time the door opened. 

Standing in front of Pallen was a woman in the earthly sense of the word. Long black hair that flowed down her narrow shoulders, drawing attention to her more...feminine assets. She was a knockout in every sense of the word, wearing her form fitting red jumpsuit, but there was a catch. Her skin was green and she had a scaly tail that flapped behind her. She was a Farek.

Pallen's mouth was open far longer than would have been appropriate, drooling on the ground. Carlton got to his feet and addressed her.

"I'm sorry miss. The open position is already filled," Carlton said.

"I thought you needed a maintenance worker?" the Farek asked.

"Um...no. There must be a misunderstanding. That position is already filled."

Pallen finally woke up from his not so clean fantasy and caught on to what Carlton was getting at.

"Yes, this is a misunderstanding indeed. The position is filled...by you."

"Really? I haven't even–” the Farek asked before being interrupted.

Pallen smoothly glided toward her and took her cold hand. Her palm was soft to the touch. How he expected a human hand to be, but on top was uniform rows of scales. "Please excuse my second mate here. We are going through so much paperwork, it's hard to keep everything straight. What's your name my dear?”

"Maresha."

"Maresha. It is a pleasure," Pallen said, kissing her scales. "I am Captain Pallen and my confused friend is Carlton. Welcome aboard the Jackass Five."

"Thank you, Captain."

"Please, call me Pallen. The rest of the crew does."

"Okay, Pallen. Do you want me to get started on that light for you?"

"Right to business. I like it. Yes. Talk to Barry outside. He will show you where we keep the tools."

"I will be back at once," Maresha said, sliding her hand out from his grip and left with her tail waving goodbye.

Carlton looked at Pallen who was still holding his hands in the same position as if she never left. Pallen stared forward at the closed door, his gaze frozen in place.

"Cap, I thought you said you hated Farek's? That you would never have one on your vessel."

"Like you said we need one for our diversity requirement. And she seems very qualified," Pallen said, snapping out of his trance.

"She offered to fix a lightbulb. We don't even know anything about her," Carlton argued.

"Don't worry Carlton, she'll do great. I have a good feeling about this."

Carlton shook his head, knowing that Pallen was only thinking with the three sorry excuses for balls hanging between his legs. Carlton also hated himself that he even knew that. He should have never read his medical file.

"Fine, you want her. You get her. But you are filling out the form," Carlton said, smacking the form into Pallen's chest. 

"I'd be glad to," Pallen said absentmindedly as he brought the paper up to his face. His childlike smirk changed to a frown. "This isn't the diversity form. It is a sexual harassment form.”

"You'll need to take a long look at that one," Carlton said, jumping back in his chair and propped his feet up on the table.

"What the hell! The captain can't sleep with crew members? We're pirates, not priests," Pallen said, reading farther down the form.

"Well we won't be either if you don't fill out the paperwork."

Pallen grumbled and drew a pen from his pocket. The black ink seeped into the paper as he signed his name at the bottom, binding him to a life of celibacy. Pallen handed Carlton the form and grabbed another random piece of paper from the sea of bureaucracy.

"I'm telling you this now, if she comes onto me, we are becoming outlaw pirates," Pallen said. 

"You better not. I'll stage the mutiny myself if we waste all this time filling out paperwork so you can get frisky with some alien."

"There has to be a form about no mutinies."

Carlton reached over and grabbed a form under his feet, reading it outloud, "Union Contract, Part 17C Mutiny Conditions."

"Don't worry Carlton. I was only joking. I can be a professional."

Maresha returned to the room with a box of tools in hand. She parted the sea of papers on the table and stood on top to work on the lights. Pallen's eyes wandered up to her voluminous booty and her tail curled up, tickling his chin. At that moment, he knew what he had to do.

Pallen lunged at Carlson who kept the form out of Pallen's reach. "Gimme that form, Carlton!"

Terraforming Fire

“Is everything ready?” Garett asked.

“Define ready?” Mandy said, typing away on her keyboard. The glow of her monitors lit up her workstation.

“Did the software update get sent out to the fleet?”

Mandy looked up at her monitors that showed the status of each vessel in their fleet, their locations on the galactic map, and a countdown to their press conference, respectively. She clicked her keyboard a few more times and the status monitor flashed a green dot next to every vessel. 

“It appears so. I have a few last minute checks, but it will be ready before the press conference,” Mandy said.

“Skip the checks, let’s begin with the drilling.”

“Aren’t we supposed to wait until the press conference begins?”

“Nobody does anything live anymore. And besides, if something goes wrong I have time to sell my shares.”

Mandy swiveled around in her chair, looking up at Garett with his goofy grin. “This is serious Garett. Drilling into one planet is a big deal. And we are doing five at once.”

“Good thing you wrote the update then. And besides, nobody is living on these planets. If something doesn’t go quite right, we don’t have to worry about insurance claims.”

“You better hope you're right,” Mandy said, clicking enter on the keyboard.

A rectangular bar overlaid each ship on the status monitor, showing the status as DRILLING. It did not take long before the radio on Garett’s hip started to chirp.

“Vessel One Five Charlie to Control,” a voice said over the radio.

“Go ahead Vessel One Five Charlie,” Garett said.

“We have a situation here. The planet has...split apart.”

“Say again Vessel One Five Charlie. You said the planet split apart?”

A screeching sound came over the radio before the voice spoke again, “What the hell is that?”

“Vessel One Five Charlie, what’s going on?”

“Control, there is something inside the planet. It’s huge. Its–” the voice said, before all that filled the air was static.

Mandy’s status monitor flashed and Vessel One Five Charlie showed up on the screen as UNREACHABLE. On her other monitor, red blimps started to appear on the galactic map.

“Vessel One Five Charlie, say again?” Garett said.

“I lost the status reading on the ship,” Mandy said.

“Get it back.”

“Garett...I think it was destroyed,” Mandy said, taking her hands off the keyboard, staring at the status monitor screen.

“How?”

“These don’t just go down...unless–”

“Unless what?” Garett asked impatient with her slow response.

“Unless the entire ship was destroyed.”

Garett paced around the room, pushing his radio into his forehead. “What about the others?”

“They are showing up alright. But we are getting weird blimps on some of our previous terraformed planets,” Mandy said, clicking away on her mouse.

“Great. Two crises in one day,” Garett said and held the radio to his mouth. “Control to Rescue Three.”

“Rescue Three, Go ahead,” a young voice said over the radio.

“You are needed in Sector Fifteen, outside Planet Hestore. We lost contact with the drilling vessel. Expect mass casualties.”

“Rescue Three enroute.”

Garett leaned on Mandy’s chair. “Tell me some good news.”

“These red dots here. They are showing that the planets are being split apart, yet I see no reports of abnormal energy readings, asteroids, black holes, nothing.”

“Do we have orbital cameras?”

“Let me pull them up,” Mandy said, typing away again until the galactic map was hidden by four different video feeds from four different terraformed planets. Each one was split into and a planet sized silver dragon without wings clung to half of the planet. If it wasn’t for the difference in how the planets looked, they would have thought it was the same creature in each view.

“Move aside,” Garett said, pushing Mandy out of her seat.

“What are you going to do?”

“Selling my shares. Short this company and get the hell out of Dodge,” Garett said, pulling up his investment portfolio next to the ferocious wingless dragons.

“Are you kidding me right now?”

“Every man for himself.”

“But what about those creatures? We need to alert the Galactic Naval Fleet.”

“Done,” Garett said with a final tap on the keyboard.

“You contacted them already?”

“No. I sold my shares. You want to contact them, here you go.” Garett tossed her the radio that she fumbled in her hands.

“Garett, you are a coward,” Mandy said, watching him make his way to the door. 

“No Mandy, I’m smart enough to see a once in a lifetime opportunity when it comes around.”

“This is a catastrophe, not an opportunity.”

“Not from where I’m standing. Have a nice life kid,” Garett said and the door closed behind him.

Mandy stared down at the rugged radio in her small hand. The static on the other end became deafening, yet paralyzing. Her thumb hovered over the talk button on the side while her grip tightened. The dragon-like creatures roared into the void of space, but instead of silence, Mandy heard their terrifying cries over the radio static. She dropped her radio, because their cries were not incoherent screams of a monster. They said a name. Mandy.

UEA Tugboat

“Say again, UEA Tugboat. Say again,” the commander said.

“Look what we found. Ain’t she a beaut?” the voice on the intercom said.

The video feed in front of the commander showed a giant warship the size of a city being pulled by a yellow ship the size of a suburban house. Side by side, it looked like an ant carrying a dead raccoon.

“UEA Tugboat, what are you doing with an alien warship?” the commander asked.

“I’m bringing it back for your science nerds to take a look at. I figured I should have someone give it a once over before I take it out for a spin.”

“UEA Tugboat, please change your channel to 197.”

“Aye. Aye. Commander.”

The commander pressed a button on the console in front of him and put a small device in his ear.

“This is Commander Travion. Do you read me?”

“I read you loud and clear, T-Rex.”

“Steve. You’ve got to stop acting so unprofessional on the comms.”

“Come on. At least I didn’t use your real name on the main channel...again.”

“Where—no how did you get your hands on that warship?”

“The how is easy, I just hooked it up and away I went. Nobody was home, so I helped myself to it.”

“Where did you find it?”

“Um...with all due respect...isn’t it obvious?”

“No, it is not obvious. That is the biggest warship I have ever seen.”

“I’ll give you a hint. It is really cold and you have been here before.”

“Huron IV? Worland Centari?”

“Nope.”

“Those are the only ice planets I have been on.”

“Who said it was a planet?”

The commander rubbed his forehead. “I swear to God if your answer is space I am going to court martial you.”

Nothing came over the comm except dead air.

“Dammit Steve, you don’t even know where you found it?”

“It was floating out in space. Everything is dark. Kinda hard to get your bearings out there.”

“That's what your computer equipment is for, Steve.”

“Yeah I know. It was super helpful getting back here.”

“You didn’t think to make a note of where you found it? Did you even scan it?”

“Of course I scanned it. Did it with my own two eyes. No lights were on and no one was home.”

Suddenly the alien warship lights turned on all at once, glowing like a large city at night. The commander turned around to his crew behind him, who were all sitting at their stations. Their eyes all looked to the commander, unsure of what to do next.

“Get those railguns up. Contact the Earth Defense Force and let them know an alien warship has entered our galaxy, likely hostile. We need naval groups fourteen and seventeen here as soon as possible,” the commander barked at his crew.

“Don’t worry Commander, I’ll handle this.”

“No Steve, you have done enough damage. Come back to Lunar Base to help with evacuation.”

“I can’t...hear...you...breaking up,” Steve said.

Steve disconnected his grav-link to the warship and flew around over the top of the warship. Below was like looking at an aerial view of a city, with little insects running about. He rotated the ship around, pointing it down at the monstrous ship.

“Steve, what are you doing? Get back here now. They are starting up their lasers,” the commander said.

“Commander, I made the mistake of bringing the Trojan Horse to Rome. Let me do what Caesar’s guy couldn’t.”

“Steve…”

“Tell my cat I love him!”

Steve pushed his joysticks forward and his ship hurdled toward the unsuspecting warship below. His ship went right through the hull of the warship like a rock through sugar glass. Each layer he went through, his ship lurched in a different direction and slowed down until he hit the last layer. He was thrown forward in his seat, hitting his head against the controls. Flaps on all sides of his ship opened up and shot flares in every direction. Most deflected off metal structures with no harm, while others caused secondary explosions. He got control of his joysticks and flew back out the hole he made. In his wake were explosions going off at each floor, shaking his ship violently.

The commander watched the giant explosions from his video feed until one giant explosion consumed the entire warship. He looked away and held his ear. “Steve! Steve!”

No sound came over his earpiece. The rest of the crew was silent, stunned by the enormous devastation on the screen. The commander looked back at the screen, but there was nothing left except the debris of the warship floating in space.

“Steve, why did you have to do that?” the commander said to himself before pounding the console.

Static came over his earpiece followed by a humming sound. Not like an annoying humming that came from a defective machine, but of someone singing a catchy song about a yellow submarine. It was Steve.

“Steve. Steve is that you?”

“Commander, no need to tell Mittens I love him. I’ll be home soon.”

FTL Speed Limit

Malcolm shot awake, banging his helmet against the glass windshield above him. Laying back in his leather seat, he removed his gloved hands from the single joystick just below his crotch. His hands floated freely while the rest of his body was still strapped in. He looked out of his ship to see an emerald green planet with strange looking satellites floating around it and enormous spaceships coming and going from the planet. It was a lot to take in for poor Malcolm.

"Command, are you getting this? Command?" Malcolm called over his radio. No response was returned. "Where am I?"

Suddenly something knocked on the glass. Malcolm turned his head and floating next to his small pod ship was an orange alien dressed in a blue spacesuit similar to Malcolm's and held a tan rod in its seven fingered glove. The alien rapped on the window again. "Roll down your window, sir."

Malcolm's breathing became shallow and fast. A real live alien. He was unable to stop looking at the alien's eyes, which looked like Earth's moon surrounded by black space. 

"Sir, roll down your window."

Malcolm shook his head, unable to hear what the alien was saying.

The alien stuck his rod into the crease between the glass and the body of the ship, lifting the glass away from the ship. Malcolm held on to the straps on his seat and dug his heels in. He looked down briefly to make sure his white spacesuit didn't have any breaches. The aliens tossed a silver disk to Malcolm that stuck to his helmet like a magnet.

"Do you know why I pulled you over, sir?" the alien's voice rumbled in Malcolm's helmet.

"You pulled me over?"

The alien pointed its rod at him. "Don't be a smartass with me."

"What's going on? Where am I?"

"I caught you going FTL in residential space. I need to see your license and registration."

"License? Registration?"

"Sir, don't test me today. Give me your license and registration."

"I don't have any."

"Okay sir, get out of the vehicle.”

Malcolm shook his head. "I can't."

"Sir, get out of the vehicle," the alien raised its voice.

Malcolm reached for the glass in front of him. The alien slammed it’s rod down on Malcolm's forearms and ripped him out of his seat, snapping the seat straps with ease. Malcolm winced in pain, but kept his voice to a dull mumble. The alien pushed Malcolm against the ship and proceeded to handcuff him.

"Alright sir, you are under arrest for failure to comply with a Galactic Officer's lawful order. Additional charges include failure to produce license and registration, reckless endangerment, and resisting arrest. You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say and don't say will be used against you. You have a right to ask for a trial, but you must provide your own attorney. If you cannot afford one, you have one day to prepare your own case. Do you understand your rights?”

"This is a big misunderstanding. I'm a test pilot from Earth."

"They all say that," the alien said. The alien touched its own helmet and spoke. "Twelve Niner David to Dispatch, contact Impound. I have a small ship at Quadrant Seven that needs pickup. One in custody.”

"Copy. Impound en route. Head to Sector Five for prisoner processing," a voice responded.

The alien floated back to its sleek blue, white, and orange fighter ship with Malcolm. Malcolm looked back at his own ship. It floated there mocking him. Reminding him that there was a cost to greatness. That sacrifices must be made for progress.

Humans Strike Back

The tapping of boots echoed down the corridor. A man in an unflawed white uniform matched toward an open with a grumpy frown on his face. 

"Where are we at with those rail guns?" Lieutenant Farsi yelled down the empty corridor, walking toward the open door.

Ensign Parker banged his head on the shelf in front of him. "Almost ready, sir. About ten minutes." 

Lt. Farsi stopped. "Make it five. I want those guns ready once we are out of hyperspace. Can't have those Russians beat us to the punch again."

Parker held his breath and listened for his lieutenant's footsteps. Lt. Farsi walked away, going back the same way he came, not bothering to check on him. Parker peeked around the doorframe and let out a sigh.

"Is he gone?" Ensign Salazar asked, his head lifting the cover of the large crate he was in.

"Yep. He's gone."

"Good. Now help me out with this will ya?"

Salazar pushed the cover off and lifted a green humanoid body from out of his crate. Slime stuck to his hands while he struggled to lift it over the ledge. Parker grabbed a hold of its arms and pulled the body out of the crate. It slapped the floor like wet meat on a granite table top.

"What are we doing with this alien?" Parker asked. 

Salazar climbed out of the box, stepping on the squishy alien. "Giving it to the Russians."

"Why?"

"Congratulate them on killing another alien fleet."

Parker raised his eyebrows. "I'm not sure this translates as congratulations...in any language."

"Don't worry, she'll get it."

"She?"

"Svetlana. My girlfriend. She is the captain of the ship we will be meeting up with.”

"She's our competition. Lieutenant Farsi wasn't happy the last time we–"

"Oh, I'm Lieutenant Farsi. I'm grumpy because those Russkies killed a whole naval group without me," Salazar mocked.

"You do remember whichever country's naval group kills the most aliens gets to decide the official language of Earth."

"Doesn't matter to me. Svetlana has been teaching me Russian. I'll be fine."

"I bet you don't know two words in Russian."

"I sure do, друг."

"Droog?"

"It means friend."

"Is he your friend too?" Parker said, pointing to the dead alien on the floor.

"Oh that's right. We probably should get him out of here."

"Where do you plan on putting him?"

"Are those railguns ready?"

"They've been ready for hours," Parker said. "You still didn't answer my question."

A smile creeped over Salazar's face. "Didn't I?"

They both grabbed the alien, one on each end and carried the alien down the corridor and to the left. It led to a long hallway with hatch doors along the wall. Across the hall from each hatch, recessed in the wall, were stacked bronze cylindrical rods. The rods were as wide as their heads and longer than their forearms. Staring at them was the fire team crew, one at each hatch. The crew watched Parker and Salazar waddle past with their dead alien friend until they got to the fifth hatch to the left that no one was at.

"Don't tell me you're going to load that poor schmuck in there?" the crew member next to them said.

"You didn't see anything," Salazar said. 

"You better go quick then. Lieutenant will be here soon."

Salazar opened the hatch and Parker helped load the alien into the chamber. They tucked in his legs and threw their weight behind the hatch to close it shut.

"How do we aim this thing?" Salazar asked.

The crew member next to him looked both ways. He stood next to them and jumped up grabbing a handle above them. It brought down a screen with a video stream of the space outside. The stars were dwarfed by the enormous ship that was facing them. A giant glass window stared back at them, showing the flight crew at their consoles and Svetlana standing at the window.

Salazar touched the screen to zoom in on her. Perfect posture, head up and her chest puffed out in her tight white uniform. Her brown hair was tied back and hands behind her back, like she was evaluating something.

"Hello, my sweet," Salazar said to the screen, running his finger where her face was. The screen's smooth texture reminded him of her skin, minus her warmth.

"Are we going to fire this or what?"

Salazar looked around the screen. "Oh yes. Here we go."

He tapped the screen twice and the screen prompted him with a red button that said FIRE. He pressed the icon and the alien sailed into the vacuum of space, splattering against the glass in front of Svetlana.

She jumped away from the window, bracing herself against one of the consoles. The flight crew looked up from their consoles to see what hit the ship. Svetlana's face turned from shock and confusion to a gentle smile. She gave a short wave in return and the side cannons on her ship fired out toward the alien fleet that was outside of their view.

"Why aren't we firing at the alien fleet?" Lt. Farsi said storming into the hall.

"We haven't turned broadside, sir. Our cannons are still facing the Russian ship," one of the crew members said.

"Oh, what the hell," Lt. Farsi said, leaving the crew to go chew out the pilot. 

Salazar took one last look at his angel on the other ship and pushed the screen back up into the ceiling.

"I hope it was worth it. We might all have to learn Russian after this is all over," Parker said. 

"It was worth it. And thank you for going out with Jessica. Without her, I don't think this would have happened."

Parker blinked rapidly. "Come again?"

"Yeah, I told Jessica you would go out with her if she didn't turn the ship when we got out of hyperspace."

"Crazy Jessica? The pilot?"

A small disk on Salazar's belt vibrated. He unclipped it and pressed the middle of it. A beam shot out, revealing a hologram with a list of coordinates. At the bottom it read: Next time just send flowers.

"Maybe don't call her crazy on your date. Kinda kills the mood," Salazar said, walking away.

"Where do you think you're going?"

"To smooth things over with Farsi. I think he will like a list of known alien fleet coordinates," he said holding up the hologram. 

"I'll come with you."

"You don't have time. You have to get ready for your date," Salazar said, winking.

Cost of Insubordination

The hiss of pipes losing pressure overhead screeched down the corridor. Kendal stumbled into the concave wall next to him, while the ship lurched from the blast outside. The lights flickered three times then turned red. Darkness filled the rest of the void the red light would not. The metal pang of his boots hitting the floor announced his presence as he made it to the door at the end.

The sliding door jerked open to reveal the flight crew trying to deal with the real chaos. Yala and Tenso were grappling with a large duct hose that was flailing in the air, filling the room with steam. A different thinner cable was dancing with the Captain while he tried to avoid getting zapped by the sparking end. At the four consoles, only Zenith was at her's. Her feet were tucked toward her chest while she sat at the console. Underneath her, Ronny was head deep inside the console banging away at something.

"Kendal, give me a hand with sparky here," Captain Carson said.

Kendal squeezed past the consoles and ducked under Yala's butt as she was lifted in the air with Tenso by the steam tube. He caught a whiff of the bean casserole she just ate and held his hand over his mouth.

"Kendal. Any day now?" Carson said, dodging another strike from the sparky viper.

Kendal grabbed the cable above his head with both hands. Then he slid his right hand down toward the sparking end. The cable calmed from wild flailing to light spasms. Carson made a step with his hands and hoisted Kendal up to reattach the cable. Sparks from the cable made it easy for Kendal to see where the cable went. He pushed the end into the socket and gave it a turn. The cockpit hummed to life and startup beeps came from the consoles.

"Consoles are back online. Get to your stations everyone," Zenith said.

Yala and Tenso were on the ground still wrestling with the mighty steam spewer. Their skintight grey jumpsuits were coated in some dark liquid that was pooled on the ground. If Kendal didn't know any better, the duct hose was using them as human mops to cleanup the mess.

Carson lowered Kendal down and turned to his struggling crew. "Get to your stations! Kendal and I will handle this."

Yala and Tenso both let go at the same time, scrambling to get on their feet. The tube whipped up and blasted Carson with steam, sending him flying into the unforgiving glass.

"You said you had it Captain," Tenso said, flicking a few switches before sitting down.

Carson groaned. "Yeah...I got it."

Kendal tackled the duct hose, squeezing both his arms and legs around it, trying to constrict it into submission. The steam sputtered to a cough, but continued to buck him around. Carson got up and went over to help, when the hose banged Kendal into the wall. His leg grip loosened, blasting another steam plume at the Captain, this time at his legs. Carson was upended and face planted onto the smooth floor.

The steam snake was not done yet, rocketing Kendal into the ceiling. Kendal got wedged in-between the metal ceiling and the hose that didn't want to quit. The steam blew up his nose, making him cough. He lifted the hose up above his head, along the ceiling and he heard a click. The steam stopped and he could hear it being funneled through conduit.

He let go of the hose and was suspended by his shirt that was caught on something sharp before it gave way. Kendal fell on something soft, the Captain. 

"Kendal...Why?" Carson groaned.

Kendal rolled off Carson. "Sorry sir." 

Kendal helped his Captain up. Carson's back cracked a few times until he stood straight up. 

"Hyperdrive is ready," Tenso said.

"Punch it. Before the Ecorians realize we aren't sitting ducks anymore," Carson ordered.

Tenso clicked the button at the same time an Ecorian fighter pulled in front to face them. It was basically an egg with thin wings on each side that held twin laser cannons below. The fighter kept getting closer with every second.

"Is he going to ram us?" Carson said.

"Um...I think we are going to ram him," Tenso said.

"Cancel the hyperdrive. Don't run through him."

Tenso mashed the same button over and over, nothing changed.

"I can't stop it!"

"Brace for impact!" Carson yelled.

Kendal held on to Tenso's console. The words of his previous commander filled his head...at least the ones that hurt the most, "If you just followed my orders, I could've protected you." Kendal closed his eyes, preparing to meet his fate. Their ship crashed into the fighter like a hammer to styrofoam. The fighter splintered in half, sending pieces everywhere into space. The pilot's blood smeared on the glass.

The crew looked at each other, shocked that they were still alive. Kendal opened his eyes to see the blood smeared over the glass.

"We're alive!" Yala said, releasing the console she was grabbing on to for dear life.

"Those Ecorians must make their ships out of tin," Zenith said. 

The crew laughed while Carson looked back at the stain on his window. The crimson smear marked the ship like a bad omen waiting to be awakened. He pointed at it and turned to Kendal. "Kendal. You got one more mess to clean up."

"I'm sure it won't be the last," Kendal said.

Ronny peaked out from underneath the console and threw up upon seeing the blood outside. Zenith rolled her eyes, unable to move without stepping in vomit.

"Now you got two messes. Aren't you glad you are stuck here with us?" Carson asked.

Kendal smiled. He was happy. Not about the chunky green sludge on the floor, but the crew he was with. They made what was supposed to be a punishment, a blessing. And an opportunity.

The Atlantis Contract

"What did you do with the Atlantians?" Grogdor asked, pointing his long finger at them. 

Ambassador Yi looked to his fellow Earth ambassadors. They shrugged and shook their heads. Yi looked back at the tall humanoid creature. "Atlantians? Who are they?"

"Don't play games with me, human. What did you do to them? The rightful rulers of this water world."

"Are you referring to Atlantis? Like the Lost City of Atlantis. The myth," Ambassador Stevenson said from the group.

"Myth? It is no myth. I visited the great city of Atlantis the last time I was here."

The ambassadors broke out in quiet conversation amongst each other. Grogdor watched their reactions to his revelation. They genuinely did not know about Atlantians.

"What year is it here?"

"2022," Yi answered.

Grogdor sat down and put his hand on his oval head. It had been so long they stopped using the Atlantian method. His skin turned from grey to a bright blue and became clammy.

"Did they pass down any knowledge to you? Anything?"

"I can have a historian check. I imagine whatever was passed down was not of much significance," Yi said.

"No treaties? Technology blueprints?”

"Oh no, nothing like that. Just stories," Stevenson said.

Grogdor paced back and forth in the room.

"Were there treaties signed? We would be willing to honor them, depending on what they say?" Yi offered.

"There were treaties. Thousand of them. For each of the different space faring civilizations. Now that the Atlantians are gone everything is void."

"What do you mean by everything?"

"I mean everything. We are all completely screwed. Is that the proper term? Screwed?”

"What happens when these treaties void?"

"For most of the treaties it means very little. But there is one that is a big problem. The treaty with the Darfrens."

"Who are they?" Yi asked.

"A small species, much like your raccoons, except far more intelligent and unforgiving. The Atlantians made a deal with them to research emerging technology in land/sea travel. Something small, fast, and could safely attach weapons on it. In exchange they wouldn't rape your planet for it's resources, or kill your people. Normal boilerplate stuff.”

"We are researching new technology all the time. I'm sure we can uphold this treaty."

"No. Now that Atlantians are gone and you don't have the document, you have no standing. Since my species also vouched for the Atlantians, we will also suffer for this."

"Surely we can renegotiate with them?"

"Sure. But who is going to co-sign? My people won't. Not after they hear about this. We were the only species that found them worthy of a shot. And your people have gone backwards in technology advancement. It is not a good look from an intergalactic perspective."

"But like you said, you will suffer for this too. Might as well help us get up to speed.”

"You are thousands of years behind from where the Atlantians were. You only have a hundred years left to bring them something. I was expecting to see a final product and more prosperous land. Instead all I see is pollution, ugly cities, and you still struggle to leave your own atmosphere."

"We will make something. Even if we have to dedicate all our resources. Just give us a chance," Yi said. The rest of the ambassadors nodded in agreement.

Grogdor looked into each one of their eyes. He could feel their collective will to succeed. Or maybe their desperation. 

"Fine. I won't tell my people about this, but you better have something. Darfrens don't take kindly to being cheated."

"We promise. On behalf of all humans on Earth, we won't let you down."

"Good."

Grogdor tapped the inside of his wrist and disappeared in an instant. In the time it took him to blink he was back on his spaceship, surrounded by his crew.

"How did it go?" Everelli said. 

Grogdor looked back at her without saying anything. The silence of the ship stayed just long enough for Grogdor to break a smile. She smiled back. The rest of the crew roared with laughter.

"They bought it. So gullible those humans," Grogdor said.

"Even the Darfrens bit?" 

"Didn't question it once. I can't believe they think there is a species of smart raccoons."

"What did you get them to do?"

"I don't even remember.”

Everyone let out another roar of laughter and their ship sped off into the vast cosmos like a comet in the sky to mess with another unsuspecting civilization.