UEA Tugboat

“Say again, UEA Tugboat. Say again,” the commander said.

“Look what we found. Ain’t she a beaut?” the voice on the intercom said.

The video feed in front of the commander showed a giant warship the size of a city being pulled by a yellow ship the size of a suburban house. Side by side, it looked like an ant carrying a dead raccoon.

“UEA Tugboat, what are you doing with an alien warship?” the commander asked.

“I’m bringing it back for your science nerds to take a look at. I figured I should have someone give it a once over before I take it out for a spin.”

“UEA Tugboat, please change your channel to 197.”

“Aye. Aye. Commander.”

The commander pressed a button on the console in front of him and put a small device in his ear.

“This is Commander Travion. Do you read me?”

“I read you loud and clear, T-Rex.”

“Steve. You’ve got to stop acting so unprofessional on the comms.”

“Come on. At least I didn’t use your real name on the main channel...again.”

“Where—no how did you get your hands on that warship?”

“The how is easy, I just hooked it up and away I went. Nobody was home, so I helped myself to it.”

“Where did you find it?”

“Um...with all due respect...isn’t it obvious?”

“No, it is not obvious. That is the biggest warship I have ever seen.”

“I’ll give you a hint. It is really cold and you have been here before.”

“Huron IV? Worland Centari?”

“Nope.”

“Those are the only ice planets I have been on.”

“Who said it was a planet?”

The commander rubbed his forehead. “I swear to God if your answer is space I am going to court martial you.”

Nothing came over the comm except dead air.

“Dammit Steve, you don’t even know where you found it?”

“It was floating out in space. Everything is dark. Kinda hard to get your bearings out there.”

“That's what your computer equipment is for, Steve.”

“Yeah I know. It was super helpful getting back here.”

“You didn’t think to make a note of where you found it? Did you even scan it?”

“Of course I scanned it. Did it with my own two eyes. No lights were on and no one was home.”

Suddenly the alien warship lights turned on all at once, glowing like a large city at night. The commander turned around to his crew behind him, who were all sitting at their stations. Their eyes all looked to the commander, unsure of what to do next.

“Get those railguns up. Contact the Earth Defense Force and let them know an alien warship has entered our galaxy, likely hostile. We need naval groups fourteen and seventeen here as soon as possible,” the commander barked at his crew.

“Don’t worry Commander, I’ll handle this.”

“No Steve, you have done enough damage. Come back to Lunar Base to help with evacuation.”

“I can’t...hear...you...breaking up,” Steve said.

Steve disconnected his grav-link to the warship and flew around over the top of the warship. Below was like looking at an aerial view of a city, with little insects running about. He rotated the ship around, pointing it down at the monstrous ship.

“Steve, what are you doing? Get back here now. They are starting up their lasers,” the commander said.

“Commander, I made the mistake of bringing the Trojan Horse to Rome. Let me do what Caesar’s guy couldn’t.”

“Steve…”

“Tell my cat I love him!”

Steve pushed his joysticks forward and his ship hurdled toward the unsuspecting warship below. His ship went right through the hull of the warship like a rock through sugar glass. Each layer he went through, his ship lurched in a different direction and slowed down until he hit the last layer. He was thrown forward in his seat, hitting his head against the controls. Flaps on all sides of his ship opened up and shot flares in every direction. Most deflected off metal structures with no harm, while others caused secondary explosions. He got control of his joysticks and flew back out the hole he made. In his wake were explosions going off at each floor, shaking his ship violently.

The commander watched the giant explosions from his video feed until one giant explosion consumed the entire warship. He looked away and held his ear. “Steve! Steve!”

No sound came over his earpiece. The rest of the crew was silent, stunned by the enormous devastation on the screen. The commander looked back at the screen, but there was nothing left except the debris of the warship floating in space.

“Steve, why did you have to do that?” the commander said to himself before pounding the console.

Static came over his earpiece followed by a humming sound. Not like an annoying humming that came from a defective machine, but of someone singing a catchy song about a yellow submarine. It was Steve.

“Steve. Steve is that you?”

“Commander, no need to tell Mittens I love him. I’ll be home soon.”