The UFO Man Has Died

The cemetery was a lot of things, but chaotic was not one of them. Freshly cut grass and rows upon rows of weathered headstones covered the peaceful field. Sam had walked these grounds on a few occasions, always surrounded by a large group of friends, family, and the occasional acquaintance. This time it was different. No one, but him and the priest journeyed to Gary's final resting place. 

Gary was an odd duck to say the least. Around the town, he was known as "The UFO Man," even though he insisted on being called "Eran, Gary Mathers." Apparently "Eran" was the title given to him by the Eranian Guard of the Plesta System after he saved their Queen's daughter. It was one of many stories he told to the entire town and any passerby who would listen to him. Obviously, nobody believed him and chalked it down to him having a wild imagination. With that reputation, it didn't lend to having many friends, which apparently only left Sam. 

Sam saw many foreign names listed who were expected to be in attendance, but when he was the only one at the open casket, he knew those stories were just that. Stories. In no time, Sam arrived at the plot and his friend's night black casket stood over the dug grave, ready to be lowered. Father Heston cleared his throat before he spoke. 

"Do you want me to wait a few minutes for others to arrive?"

"Sorry Father, I think it is just me," Sam said.

Father Heston began his prayer, but it only served as background noise to Sam's thoughts. No one showed up. Surely someone from his stories had to be real? Yeah, his galactic travels were definitely fake, but even his friends? His wife? Was he just that sad of a man, he had to make up stuff to feel important? I could have done more than listen to him talk every Thursday at the bar.

"Amen," Father Heston said and addressed Sam. "Would you like to say anything?"

Sam walked up to the casket and the clouds above him distorted. Neither noticed what was going on in the sky, but it was hard to miss the car-sized flying saucer smash through a few gravestones to the left of them. The ship came to a stop a few yards away and smoke bellowed from an opening hatch. Sam ran to the crash, not registering in his head the craft was alien in nature. 

He got to the edge of the smoke when he saw a short gray humanoid alien stumble out, waving his fist at the sky and coughing. "Watch where you're flying, princess!"

Sam froze, noticing the wrinkly gray skin and large bulb head was not human. An alien?

"Hey, you there in the suit," the alien said, pointing at Sam. "Where's Gary?"

"You…know Gary?" Sam asked, surprised once again the alien even spoke his language. 

"Yes, now where is he? I got to get to work before that Princess up there ruins everything." 

Sam looked up at where the alien was pointing and the sky was filled with different spaceships. Some were small, much like the one in the cemetery, but others were easily six times as big. They all had different shapes and colors, except for ten of them. Those ten reminded Sam of human spaceships he had seen in movies. Rectangular in design, reminiscent of battleships and all patterned in the same gray and red color scheme. One of those broke ranks and came in for a landing. 

Father Heston was thoroughly terrified and made a break for it, leaving Sam to watch in awe as a large ship landed in front of the casket. The alien next to Sam pushed past him, trying to will his little feet over to the casket before whoever was landing got out. 

When the ship touched down, crushing numerous headstones with the landing gear, a ramp shot out of the underbelly of the ship. Soldiers about Sam's height, wearing red armor and armed with spears came rushing out. They reminded him of samurai, except with a sleeker design. The soldiers formed a perimeter around the casket, blocking the short alien from getting to it. 

"Let me by, you brutes!" the alien yelled at the soldiers.

"Stand back. The Queen is disembarking," the soldier responded.

"I'm not here for her. Just need the stiff in the box."

The soldier did not take his words kindly and stabbed him in the foot, pinning him to the ground. There was some cursing and the alien tried to pull out the spear from the ground, but it was going nowhere. 

"You will address him by his title, Eran Mathers, in our presence or I will cripple both your feet."

The alien gave him a harsh look, but did not dare say another word. The rest of the soldiers stood at attention as another figure emerged from the ship. She was definitely royalty, wearing a long red dress which dragged behind her a few feet. Her hair was done up like a large corn cob on top of her head and her feminine features were similar to women on earth. The only real difference Sam saw was her hand had six fingers and her ears were more like red turnips.

She walked down the ramp with tears in her emerald eyes. It made a line of glitter on her face when one tear managed to escape her eyelids and run off her soft cheek. Her body stood poised until she reached the casket, where she collapsed to her knees and sobbed in her hands. The man she loved was gone and all that remained was the pain of her loss. 

Sam took a few steps forward, feeling compelled to comfort the grieving woman. The soldier gave him a warning glare.

"Do you mind? I'm a friend of Gary's," Sam said, pointing to the casket.

The soldier stared at him for a few moments, deciding what to do. Sam couldn't tell what the soldier was thinking since their faces were completely covered in red and black masks. The woman's wails became louder and the soldier nodded to Sam.

"Thank you."

Sam went up to the woman and kneeled next to her, laying his hand gently on her back. She continued to cry and grabbed him by the shirt, using him as a towel. 

"Why? Why did I have to be such a fool!" she wailed into his shirt. 

"You're not a fool." Sam patted her on the back, trying to reassure her. 

"I should've left everything behind. Our kids were old enough to rule. I thought I had more time!”

Sam's eyes got big. If this alien was saying what he thought she was saying, that would make her…Princess Parhan. Gary mentioned he married the Queen's daughter, but nothing about kids.

"It's okay, Princess Parhan."

The woman wiped her tears and looked up at him. "I haven't heard that title in a long time.”

"Gary told me quite a few stories about you. I didn't believe any of them, but seeing you in person, it is hard to refute now."

"What did he say?"

"He told me about how he saved you from a group of bandits.”

"He jumped on a moving starship for me. I still remember it like it was yesterday. The way his hair flipped in the wind. His strong arms held me tight after fighting off those barbarians." Parhan wrapped her arms around herself, reliving the memory in her head. It brought a smile to her face, but didn't last as the casket reminded her where he rested today. "Do you know what happened to him?"

"Doctors said radiation poisoning. I guess he was trying to make a spaceship in his garage."

Parhan broke down in tears once again. Sam held the slouching woman who cried into his chest.

"He was trying to get back to me. I marooned him here!"

"No, you didn't–"

"Yes I did! How could I be so stupid?"

Sam let her cry for a few minutes before he found the right words to comfort his friend's wife. 

"You know, for as long as I knew him, he never complained about not being with you." Sam said and Parhan lifted her head to face him. "He spoke about you and all the people in his life with such passion. Never a bad word, except for those darn Carosains."

Parhan laughed and sniffled. "That sounds like Gary.”

"One time, I did ask him why I never met you. And you wanna know what he said to me?" Sam asked. She nodded, clinging to his every word. "He said, 'She needs to be with her people. When the day of peace comes, she will return to me. Whether that is in this life or the next, it doesn't matter. I know she loves me and she will always have my love as long as there are stars in the galaxy.'"

Parhan's lips quivered and wanted to cry, but she had no more tears to give. "What is your name?"

"Sam."

"I will not forget you, Sam," she said and stood up. Parhan put her hand on the casket and whispered. "I will see you again. I promise."

No more words were uttered as she turned and left. She signaled to her guards and they all followed her, except for one who retrieved his spear. The blade left a large oval hole in the gray alien's foot, but no blood. The gray alien ran up to the casket, trying to figure out how to get it open, while the last soldier approached Sam. 

"Can I ask you something?" the soldier asked.

"Sure."

"Did Eran Mathers ever mention his children?"

"I don't think he knew he had children. How many did he have?"

"One hundred and seventy three."

Sam coughed from the sheer shock. "Woah. I'm positive he didn't know that. He would have definitely bragged about it."

The soldier stood up a little straighter and clicked his boots together. "It was an honor meeting you."

Before the soldier could turn away, Sam asked a question he thought he knew the answer to. "Let me guess, you are his son?"

"Have a good day, sir," he said, turning away and left up the ramp.

It didn't quite sit right with Sam for his son to leave without more, even if they had never known each other. There was no way to send him his inheritance, so he left him with the only thing he had time for. An offer. 

"If you ever are back on Earth, don't be a stranger. I know his stories by heart if you ever want to hear one."

The soldier turned on his heels and lifted his spear. In the blink of an eye, he wound up and threw it. Sam didn't get time to react as it flew past him and struck the gray alien who was stomping on the casket.

"I'll be back for my spear. Until we meet again," the solider said and the ramp closed behind him. There was a quiet rumble and the ship took off, back up into the sky. The fleet of ships all began to turn away and without warning, disappeared without a trace.

Sam smiled, watching the empty sky. "Damn Gary, you really were a galactic adventurer."

***

No Interference Policy

"Proximity Alert," a robotic voice said.

Lights flickered red and white inside the tiny shell of the cockpit. Utan wiped the drool off his green face and looked down at his plain grey console. There were no physical knobs or buttons, instead a blue light projected over the flat surface showing the control interface. His boney fingers phased through the projection and the metallic shield in front of the cockpit window raised.

"Oh, Father of Gazorbo!" Utan said, commanding his ship to swerve away from the human satellite that was hurdling right for him. 

His head whipped to the left, smacking his floating helmet. The helmet bounced around in the cockpit and the ship lurched. 

"Structural Damage," the robotic voice said.

Utan turned his aching head and saw the red wing of his ship seared in half. He spun his ship around and saw the satellite he ran into had stolen his wing. Embedded in the white body of the satellite, the satellite kept going on its path, unfazed by the collision.

Utan slammed his fists into the console. "Damn humans! I'll show them–"

"Incoming message," the robotic voice said.

His cockpit window was obscured by a holographic image of his commanding officer, Captain Dal. He was dressed in a blue uniform with white trim and his facial expression lacked the warmness Utan was used to seeing.

"Utan, what did you do?" Captain Dal asked.

"What did I do? The humans launched a missile at me!"

"That was no missile, it was satellite."

"Permission to engage?" Utan asked, unsure what a satellite was. 

"No. I have to explain to the humans why one of my pilots crashed into their satellite."

"But Dal–"

"That is Captain Dal to you," Captain Dal said with a stern voice. "Now how did you manage to crash into a satellite on a set orbital trajectory? And please don't tell me you were sleeping again."

Utan opened his mouth but the words couldn't come to him.

"You gotta be kidding me. Again?”

"It’s so relaxing out here, Captain."

"Well I'm glad you got your rest, because you will be working on the frigate here for a long time."

"I'm sorry."

"Sorry won't cut it this time. I am going to have to take your wings."

"No! Please Sir, I'll do better next time."

"There isn't going to be a next time. I can't keep sticking my neck out for you. Return back to base. That is an order," Captain Dal said and his holographic body disappeared. 

Utan looked out into the stars. His livelihood was about to be taken away. Working on the frigate was torture enough, but taking his wings was a death sentence. He thought about never hearing the hum of the engine or the tickling feeling of narrowly missing an asteroid. Utan could not accept this.

He flew his ship toward the wing stealing satellite and positioned himself below it. Utan grabbed his helmet and secured it on his dark green flight suit. Nitrogen levels showed optimum on his heads up display and he swiped the top of his cockpit window to open the hatch. His ship was blasted with the cold from the void, but he was safe in his suit. His hands were exposed up to the wrist. The cold did nothing more than make his joints crack when they moved. He pushed himself out of the ship and to the satellite.

Slamming hard against the frost laden surface, he clung to the satellite. He put his hand on his ship's detached wing that jutted out of the satellite. The wing still vibrated from the energy stored inside, its life dwindling by the second. 

"Don't worry little guy, I'm going to save you," Utan said.

"Utan, what are you doing?" Captain Dal's voice said in his helmet.

"I'm fixing the ship."

"Get off that satellite immediately. The humans have forgiven us since their satellite is still working."

"You can't take my wings without a fight!" Utan said more to the satellite than his commanding officer as he strained to pull the wing out of the satellite.

"Utan, that is an order! Get off that satellite!"

"Not without my wing!" Utan screamed. The wing dislodged from the satellite and he pulled it down to his ship. 

"Utan...what have you done?" Captain Dal said, defeated.

"I retrieved the wing. Coming back now."

"Don't bother. You killed us all," Captain Dal said with alarms going off in the background.

"Dal?"

"There is a reason we follow policy, Utan. The humans believe in revenge, but it goes much farther than an eye for an eye.”

"What are you saying?"

"Let's hope our deaths are enough. Have a nice life, kid."

Utan looked over to where the frigate was. It was a black dot in the sea of darkness, illuminated only once as a missile crashed into it. The explosion splashed colors of blue and red, reminding him of a supernova. It was the size of a cherry, but he knew the real price of such an explosion. Four hundred of his kind died because of him.

Utan let his arms go limp, laying on the broken wing of his ship. His mouth was agape, trying make sense of the devastation. His helmet chimed before a new voice echoed in his head. 

"This is General Huckford. You are under arrest for attacking assets of Earth. Make your way to Landing Pad 12. If you fail to comply, we will declare war on your species."

"You killed my friends!" Utan yelled. 

"And we will kill many more if you don't comply. You attacked us, we attacked you. With your compliance, we will consider it even.”

"But it was an accident."

"Sure it was. All that space to fly and you hit our defense satellite. Then you go back to finish the job. I would consider this merciful if I were you.”

Moisture filled the inside of his helmet. He wanted to take it off and end it all, but he knew he couldn't. His entire species was counting on him now. To own up to his mistake. Utan went back into his ship and flew down to the blue marble, leaving his wing behind. It was pointless to fix his ship. His life was over. His wings were clipped.

Curiosity Killed the Crown

Sitting high on the throne of ravaged bones was a single orange cat. She looked down at the marble stairs to find two humans kneeling before her. You might be thinking at this point, this was no ordinary cat. You would be right. With charcoal black whiskers, emerald eyes, and a body rivaling the stature of a large dog, this cat demanded attention. Donning a blue cape and a gold crown, the cat spoke with a voice disproportionate to her size, yet all too familiar to our two humans.

"Meow meow meow meow."

"Please forgive us. It was an accident, Your Excellence," one of the humans who was dressed in a blue shawl said.

"Meow meow meow."

"We would like to make amends. What can we do?"

"Meow meow meow meow….meow."

"You can't be serious? Surely there is something else?"

The other human looked over to his colleague and said what you have to be thinking at this point.

"What the hell is this cat saying, Tim?"

The cat hissed. Tim put his hand on the other man's shoulder. "Jack, let me handle this. You aren't making it any easier."

"I could help if I understood what you two were going on about," Jack said.

"Meow meow?"

"No. Please forgive my friend's ignorance. He is not used to such formal meetings," Tim said.

"Meow meow meow meow."

"I understand. Surely there is something else we can do to make amends?"

The cat purred and winked at Tim. "Meow meow...meow?"

Jack looked back between the two. He didn't know shit-all about their alien cat language, but he understood body language just fine. Jack leaned over to Tim and kept his voice down this time.

"Did the cat queen just ask you for sex in exchange for forgiveness?"

"It's more nuanced than–"

"Do it," Jack interpreted.

"What?"

"Hey, if that's all it takes to stop an intergalactic war. I say do it."

"But I have a family. What would they think?"

"That you're a god-damned patriot of earth."

"I can't betray my wife."

"If we can't negotiate peace with this furball, there ain't going to be a wife to go back to."

Tim looked back at the cat who was licking her fur and giving him "the eye." His eyelids shut tight while he thought about his options. If he accepted, that would have been the end of it. The incident with Curiosity killing all those cats would be over. If he didn't, he would have to write a check his ass couldn't cash. Ruler of Earth would never be accepted, nor would giving cats citizenship, leaving war as the only outcome.

He thought about his wife. She would never be able to look at him. Not after this at least. Cheating on her with a cat. What other choice did he have? Humanity could be wiped out. And for what? Because he didn't want to pleasure a kitten. Who knows, maybe these alien cats consider petting and chin scratches sex? He shook his head, coming to the only logical decision.

"I accept your offer in exchange that you forgive our transgressions and not go to war against my people."

The cat stood up on her hind legs and extended her paw. "Meow."

Tim glanced over to Jack before going up the marble stairs to join the cat. Jack watched Tim go up to the throne and the cat licked his cheek. Tim did his best not to show his discomfort from her grippy tongue. Jack stood up and saluted him.

"You are a patriot! You enjoy that pussy, because it's the last one you're going to get," Jack shouted up to him with a smile. 

Tim let out a sigh as he was pulled down by the strong cat. He laid in her lap, reduced to the status of a pet as she patted his bald head. Jack was escorted by two other felines out of the hallow chambers. The heavy wood doors slammed shut and the cat purred next to her new muse. 

"Who is a good human?" the cat said in perfect English.

Tim recoiled. "You speak English?”

"That's not all I can do," she whispered in a husky voice. "And don't worry about your wife. She is okay with this."

"What? How can you say that?"

"I spoke with Nancy before you arrived. She gave me her full blessing. That being said, you might want to consider staying with me."

"Why?" Tim asked, even though he had way more questions.

"Well, unless she was on the ship with you last week, someone was showing her a good time."

Tim gritted his teeth. "Barry."

"So what do we say we take this somewhere more private?" 

"Sure, but I do have one way you can have revenge on my people."

"Do tell."

"Kill Barry. Blame him for the Curiosity crash and it will show that your species is capable of enacting swift yet merciful justice. People back on Earth won't whine about some scumbag dying, seeing as all humanity was at risk earlier."

"Smart and sexy. I think we are going to get along just fine."

Tim sprung up from her lap. "Lead the way, My Queen."

The cat got up and took him by the hand, leading him down the steps, toward the giant doors Jack was led out of. Her tail wagged behind them both, excited for her new partnership. You might be thinking that is pretty messed up. I agree, but hey, Barry probably deserved it. 

Dating is tough

The stars stood suspended in disbelief as I floated in the cold void of space. What they were staring at, I wasn't quite sure. It could have been little ol' me swimming in the ocean of darkness...or the giant planet I once called Earth cracked open like a coconut. Not like it mattered. Stars weren't sentient and the damage was done. The entirety of human civilization was destroyed all because of me. I am Timothy Worthington and this is my story.

It all began five months ago. I had been struggling in the dating scene for quite awhile. In my teens I chalked it down to being an awkward kid or busy with getting good grades. On the plus side, I saved more money for college. Then college came around and it was overwhelming. Balancing classes, two part time jobs, and soccer practice took a toll on my free time. Not that I didn't give it the old college try, but my flirting skills were less than to be desired.

All my attempts either ended in straight up rejections, friendly yet short conversations with strangers I never saw again, or becoming friends with women who were already married or happily dating someone. I didn't let that keep me down. I figured I could focus on my career, get a good job and a house of my own. That may have been a mistake. 

The longer I waited, the more isolated I found myself. Work took up most of my time and by the weekend all I wanted to do was rest. Before I knew it, I was twenty nine years old and still had never even been on a date. I had asked a few women out at work, but...well I should have figured I knew the answer. That left me with my only real option. Online dating.

I was optimistic at first. I had a few good pictures, listed some of my more oddball hobbies (badminton and sandal making), and had a peppy bio written. Hello ladies, here I am. I liked most of the women I encountered and tried to drum up some fun conversation, but it was harder in the virtual world than in real life. Most conversations never got a reply and those that did, didn't last long before they too faded into obscurity.

After literally thousands of attempts and several months on different sites, it was starting to look hopeless. Until I met Milly. Her profile was a strange one for sure. Just one picture of herself in what I thought was an elaborate cosplay. The rest were really detailed pictures of several planets in our solar system. Each one captioned with what would go best with them, like she was going to eat them or something. 

I thought it was adorable and gave her some suggestions that were equally outlandish. For instance, using spinach as a garnish for Mars. She really got a kick out of that one. Before I knew it, we were chatting everyday. Talking about space and planets we wanted to go to. It was great talking to a woman who had the same interests, but I was concerned I was being catfished. I heard about it happening and given my track record and her terrible profile, I needed to make sure.

We were having a rousing chat about the delectableness of Jupiter, when I went out on a limb and asked her out on a date for Saturday. She texted me back almost instantly, even recommended that we play badminton. I was ecstatic, but also nervous. I had no real idea of what to expect.

Saturday came and I waited for her by the court with my racket in one hand and a bouquet of flowers in the other. I even added a little biscuit that I colored to look like Mars. The texture wasn't quite right, but I thought she would appreciate the gesture. When I saw her, I was surprised. She looked...exactly like her profile picture.

Her skin was greenish yellow with long dark corded hair that stood on end. The rest of her body looked like a petite woman in a basic white shirt, but her arms were abnormal to say the least. Her elbows were below her tiny waistline. And her hands were...well she had eight fingers...on each hand that wiggled around like worms. I was taken aback by her alien look, but at least I knew it was her.

"Milly? I didn't expect you to look exactly like your profile picture."

"Thanks! I figured you wouldn't recognize me if I didn't doll myself up a little," she said brushing her hair. 

We both laughed. I thought it was cute that she wore a costume. Wow, was I an idiot. 

"You got me flowers!" she said.

"Yeah, I didn't know what you liked, so I got you all of them."

She snatched them from my hand and breathed in deep. I watched her eyes close as she took in the various scents. Then her eyes spotted the real gift within the bouquet. 

"Is this supposed to be Mars?" she smirked. 

"Yeah. I didn't have any spinach though."

"That's alright, I'm sure it tastes as good as the real thing,'' she said, taking a bite from it. 

"Well? Does it hold up to the hype?"

She covered her mouth, her fingers wiggling all over her face. "It is much crumblier than Mars." 

"I bet." I laughed.

We didn't waste much time and got into the game. I taught her how to play badminton and she was a quick learner. I was going to let her win, but she beat me all on her own. She was really short for the game, yet somehow she would always hit it in such a way I couldn't return it. It would have been frustrating if not for her giggles after every score. I couldn't stay mad at that.

Afterwards I planned a little dinner at my place. I was nervous about inviting her over. I didn't want her to think I had other plans for the evening, but I knew she did not like going out to restaurants. When I brought it up, she was actually excited. She wanted to change after our sweaty game, so I gave her my address and she met me at my place by nightfall.

I wasn't a chef by any means and it showed in our meal. Spaghetti and meatballs. I did add a candle light on the table to set the mood. She looked beautiful, yet still alien sitting across from me. Red sauce over her lips, unafraid to get a little sloppy.

"How were the meatballs?"

"Almost as good as Mars," she said smiling.

I laughed. "I wonder, if you could eat Mars, how would you do it?"

"I would use a fork of course," Milly said, taking another bite from the meatball on her plate. "I have a question, what do you think Earth tastes like?"

"I imagine it would taste like a five layer cake, filled with chocolate and caramel. Topped with whipped cream and cherry on top.”

"So the moon is the cherry?" Milly asked, leaning closer to me.

"I guess. Then the question is, do you eat the cherry first or last?

"First. Otherwise it's just floating out there with nowhere to go. Might even get in the way."

"You are so strange, you know that?" I said with a smile. 

She blushed. "Intergalactic Foodies are strange aren't they?"

"They are, but I wouldn't have you any other way."

Milly looked me straight in the eyes. They were golden and she spoke to me as if we were both telepathic. I could hear. No. Feel what she was saying. That I was the only one for her. And I answered back in kind. Needless to say, it wasn't long and the spaghetti was all over my kitchen floor. I don't kiss and tell but let's just say my table made a great bed in a pinch.

After that night, we met each other everyday after my work was done. We would go for walks, play badminton, and I even showed her how to make sandals. Made her a pair with little stars in them. At the time I never noticed that everyday she wore the same makeup. That was when things should have clicked. But I was dumb and in love.

Eventually though, everything made sense. All at once unfortunately. I was leaving work for the day when Milly was waiting for me in the parking lot. She was dressed in a one piece black swimsuit, a swimmer's hat that kept her hair controlled, and the sandals I made her. Strange attire for a parking lot, but she was strange in general. 

"Milly, what are you doing here?"

"Tim. Timothy. We need to talk."

I only heard that line in movies. And it was never good. I kept my composure though. "About what?"

"I ate the moon."

"Ha ha. Nice one. Really what's up?"

"Whew. I'm so glad you feel that way. Then I guess my next question is more of a request."

"Okay?"

"I would like you to meet my family."

"Oh, of course. I would love to meet your family! When were you thinking?"

"Like now."

"Now?"

"Yes."

"Don't they live far away? Because I do have work in the morning."

"Oh don't worry. I will just teleport us there."

"Beam me up, Scotty," I said, trying my best impression. "For real though–"

Before I knew it she hugged me and the world around me disappeared. I passed out or at least I think I passed out. When I came to, she was still holding me and I was in an all white room. Four grey chairs and an oval table floated in the middle of the room. It was hard for me to fathom what I was witnessing. I turned around and there was a lone window. Outside was Earth. Or at least what was left of it. It was split into and shattered further into smaller chunks. 

"This is a dream," I said, trying to wipe my eyes. 

"This isn't a dream Tim. We are in space."

I smacked myself a few times and kept staring out the window. "I should be waking up now."

"Tim. You're not in a dream. I brought you here to have dinner with my parents."

"Dinner? Your parents? Look outside Milly. Earth has been destroyed!"

"I know. What better way to introduce you to my parents than to serve your home planet. They will be honored."

"Honored? Serve my home?"

"Yes. I…" she started but I tuned her out. At that moment I realized. The strange proportions, all the talk about eating planets. It was right in front of me the entire time. She was an alien. A world destroying alien. The realization had me frozen in thought, ignoring whatever she was saying until she placed her hand on my shoulder.

"Tim, it's going to be alright," she said.

I swiped her hand away from me. "Alright? How is this going to be alright?"

"You can live with me."

"What about food?"

"Aren't you going to eat with us?"

"I can't eat a planet Milly!"

"I...know...that…" she said, trailing off. 

"You didn't know that did you?"

"How was I supposed to know humans don't eat planets?"

"Because there are eight other ones in our solar system!"

"Please don't yell at me Tim."

"I think I am more than justified to yell at you. You destroyed my planet!"

"I didn't destroy it. I prepared it for our feast. I thought you were curious what it would taste like."

"I'm curious what muskrat would taste like. That doesn't mean I am going to eat it!"

"Tim, please stop this."

"Stop what?"

"This," she said, gesturing to me. 

I stepped closer, towering over her. Our eyes locked so I knew she was paying attention to what I had to say next.

"You killed over eight billion people. Families. Men. Women. Children. Regular people like me. How do you expect me to feel? Gracious that you spared my life?"

Tears came to her eyes and she looked away from me. I didn't feel any sympathy for her. My words weren't wrong. She was a murder in every sense and she needed to hear it.

"I'm sorry. But I had to do it. For our child."

"Our what?"

She whipped her tears away. "I didn't want to spring it on you so fast. But Timothy, I'm pregnant and you are definitely the father."

I leaned against the window. My legs gave out on me. She was never one to lie. I was going to be a father. And to an abomination bastard nonetheless. My world was destroyed and now my world was destroyed.

"You...pregnant...how?"

"Well our when you stick your–"

"No. I get that. I just…"

"Like I said. I didn't want to spring it on you like this. But once I learned I was pregnant. I knew I had to eat fast. And a growing baby needs more than frozen rock or molten fire. If our baby is half human, I figured Earth would be the best food source I could give him or her.”

"Or you could have filled up on spaghetti? I could make literal truckloads!"

"Your Earth food was nice, but not nearly as filling."

"So, because you are pregnant you destroyed my planet. In order to feed our child who will also grow up to be a planet eater.”

"Planet Eater is a derogatory term."

"Why? Because it is accurate?”

Before she could respond, a loud tone echoed in the room followed by a feminine voice, "Milly, where are you? The food is getting cold."

"I will be right there," Milly responded.

"Who was that?"

"That was my mother. I better get out there before there is nothing left."

She left out the doors into the vacuum of space, which as you can expect caused me to get sucked out of the ship after her. I expected to be dead in moments, but the ship had a contingency plan for me. It sealed me into a spacesuit as I was hurtling toward the doors, so I could join them in the void. 

So I guess that was it. Now I'm just watching my planet be devoured by my planet-eating girlfriend and her parents. I'm still pissed, but I guess...oh shit here they come. How do I turn this thing off? Stop. Cease. End recording.

Tour Guide

Kenny squinted. “You need a tour guide?”

“Yes. You do work for the hotel? Don't you?” the alien said.

Kenny looked down at the short green alien that looked more like a kid wearing a little red Hawaiian shirt with sunglasses. His little green feet were consumed by the fine sand of the beach. Behind him was the alien’s wife, Suzu, picking up a blue towel. She was dressed in a pink sundress and an over-sized white hat that also seemed odd for such a small green alien to wear.

“Gooey, did you find us a tour guide?” Suzu asked.

“Well slick, what do you say? Give us a tour around the island?” the alien said to Kenny.

“Okay...Gooey,” Kenny said, still trying to process how an alien booked a room at a hotel.

“My name is Gorzon. Only my wife calls me Gooey,” Gorzon said, wrapping his arm around her as she walked up next to him.

“Alright Mr. Gorzon. Where would you like to go?”

“You're the tour guide. Lead the way.”

Kenny walked up the beach, back to the company jeep. The logo of Angel Beaches Resort was plastered on the side of the white door. Kenny opened the back door and helped the two into the backseat. Suzu cuddled next to her husband in the back, draping the blanket over them both.

“Oh, isn’t this romantic Gooey? Taking a ride on a slow moving craft around the beach,” Suzu said.

“It sure is,” Gorzon said, holding her close.

The jeep came alive at the turn of the key and Kenny started driving down the windy paved road. All around them was the natural beauty of the island. Palm trees swayed in the breeze, while the colorful flowers on the side of the road waved to them. A large cliff side rose above them on their right and on their left was a deep valley overseeing the tropical forest below.

“Hey guide, aren’t you going to tell us about each location?” Gorzon asked.

“Um...sure. On your left you will see a valley,” Kenny said, unsure what he was supposed to say.

“There is no name for it?”

“Yes...it is the...Spring Valley. Known for its...um...plants and exotic animals.”

“Oooh, like what?” Suzu asked.

“Like lizards. And...deer?” Kenny said, shrugging.

“Deer? Really? I never knew deer lived on the island,” Suzu said.

“Yeah most people don’t. But they are nocturnal so you won’t see them,” Kenny said, trying to sound confident. He was unsure if deer lived on the island, let alone if they were nocturnal.

“Fascinating,” Gorzon said, trying to peek farther out of the jeep.

Kenny drove for the next few miles, making up a name to a different “landmark” and backstory every quarter mile. He did that to stop Gorzon from asking what every car they passed was. After the fifth car, Kenny realized Gorzon could not grasp the concept that because a car looked different and had a different color, it was still called a car. It also distracted him from the horrible smell that they gave off. He didn’t notice it before, but every second they were in his jeep, the smell got more pungent. It smelt like a bottle of grease and moldy cheese spilled in his vehicle. Even the open air didn’t help the stench. Eventually, they arrived at the other side of the island to another beach almost identical to the first one.

“Alright, here we are.”

“We are back at the beach? That was a quick tour,” Gorzon said, opening the door.

“Yep. It is a small island.”

“Well I’ll say,” Suzu said. “Oh Gooey, you spilled my drink.”

Kenny looked in the back seat to see a small silver can tipped over and a black liquid soaking into the floor mat.

“I’m sorry dear, I’ll get you a new one when we get back at the hotel,” Gorzon said.

“I’m so sorry, mister. I don’t think that will come out,” Gorzon’s wife said to Kenny.

“It’s okay. It’s the company vehicle. Someone will get that cleaned up,” Kenny said.

“Well I insist on paying for the damages. I remember the last time I spilled one on the rental ship we got. They had to rip out the entire panel to get the smell out.”

Suzu reached under her blanket and pulled out a small sack of gold coins.

“You still take gold?” she asked.

“Um...yes,” Kenny said, shocked he was getting paid in gold.

The two aliens hopped out of the jeep and left him the sack of gold. They waved goodbye and went down to the beach to find another nice spot to soak in the sun. Kenny looked inside the small sack. It was easily worth twice his salary for the year. He drove away with a smile on his face, ignoring the horrid smell in the back. Who would have thought giving tours could be so lucrative?

FTL Speed Limit

Malcolm shot awake, banging his helmet against the glass windshield above him. Laying back in his leather seat, he removed his gloved hands from the single joystick just below his crotch. His hands floated freely while the rest of his body was still strapped in. He looked out of his ship to see an emerald green planet with strange looking satellites floating around it and enormous spaceships coming and going from the planet. It was a lot to take in for poor Malcolm.

"Command, are you getting this? Command?" Malcolm called over his radio. No response was returned. "Where am I?"

Suddenly something knocked on the glass. Malcolm turned his head and floating next to his small pod ship was an orange alien dressed in a blue spacesuit similar to Malcolm's and held a tan rod in its seven fingered glove. The alien rapped on the window again. "Roll down your window, sir."

Malcolm's breathing became shallow and fast. A real live alien. He was unable to stop looking at the alien's eyes, which looked like Earth's moon surrounded by black space. 

"Sir, roll down your window."

Malcolm shook his head, unable to hear what the alien was saying.

The alien stuck his rod into the crease between the glass and the body of the ship, lifting the glass away from the ship. Malcolm held on to the straps on his seat and dug his heels in. He looked down briefly to make sure his white spacesuit didn't have any breaches. The aliens tossed a silver disk to Malcolm that stuck to his helmet like a magnet.

"Do you know why I pulled you over, sir?" the alien's voice rumbled in Malcolm's helmet.

"You pulled me over?"

The alien pointed its rod at him. "Don't be a smartass with me."

"What's going on? Where am I?"

"I caught you going FTL in residential space. I need to see your license and registration."

"License? Registration?"

"Sir, don't test me today. Give me your license and registration."

"I don't have any."

"Okay sir, get out of the vehicle.”

Malcolm shook his head. "I can't."

"Sir, get out of the vehicle," the alien raised its voice.

Malcolm reached for the glass in front of him. The alien slammed it’s rod down on Malcolm's forearms and ripped him out of his seat, snapping the seat straps with ease. Malcolm winced in pain, but kept his voice to a dull mumble. The alien pushed Malcolm against the ship and proceeded to handcuff him.

"Alright sir, you are under arrest for failure to comply with a Galactic Officer's lawful order. Additional charges include failure to produce license and registration, reckless endangerment, and resisting arrest. You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say and don't say will be used against you. You have a right to ask for a trial, but you must provide your own attorney. If you cannot afford one, you have one day to prepare your own case. Do you understand your rights?”

"This is a big misunderstanding. I'm a test pilot from Earth."

"They all say that," the alien said. The alien touched its own helmet and spoke. "Twelve Niner David to Dispatch, contact Impound. I have a small ship at Quadrant Seven that needs pickup. One in custody.”

"Copy. Impound en route. Head to Sector Five for prisoner processing," a voice responded.

The alien floated back to its sleek blue, white, and orange fighter ship with Malcolm. Malcolm looked back at his own ship. It floated there mocking him. Reminding him that there was a cost to greatness. That sacrifices must be made for progress.

The Atlantis Contract

"What did you do with the Atlantians?" Grogdor asked, pointing his long finger at them. 

Ambassador Yi looked to his fellow Earth ambassadors. They shrugged and shook their heads. Yi looked back at the tall humanoid creature. "Atlantians? Who are they?"

"Don't play games with me, human. What did you do to them? The rightful rulers of this water world."

"Are you referring to Atlantis? Like the Lost City of Atlantis. The myth," Ambassador Stevenson said from the group.

"Myth? It is no myth. I visited the great city of Atlantis the last time I was here."

The ambassadors broke out in quiet conversation amongst each other. Grogdor watched their reactions to his revelation. They genuinely did not know about Atlantians.

"What year is it here?"

"2022," Yi answered.

Grogdor sat down and put his hand on his oval head. It had been so long they stopped using the Atlantian method. His skin turned from grey to a bright blue and became clammy.

"Did they pass down any knowledge to you? Anything?"

"I can have a historian check. I imagine whatever was passed down was not of much significance," Yi said.

"No treaties? Technology blueprints?”

"Oh no, nothing like that. Just stories," Stevenson said.

Grogdor paced back and forth in the room.

"Were there treaties signed? We would be willing to honor them, depending on what they say?" Yi offered.

"There were treaties. Thousand of them. For each of the different space faring civilizations. Now that the Atlantians are gone everything is void."

"What do you mean by everything?"

"I mean everything. We are all completely screwed. Is that the proper term? Screwed?”

"What happens when these treaties void?"

"For most of the treaties it means very little. But there is one that is a big problem. The treaty with the Darfrens."

"Who are they?" Yi asked.

"A small species, much like your raccoons, except far more intelligent and unforgiving. The Atlantians made a deal with them to research emerging technology in land/sea travel. Something small, fast, and could safely attach weapons on it. In exchange they wouldn't rape your planet for it's resources, or kill your people. Normal boilerplate stuff.”

"We are researching new technology all the time. I'm sure we can uphold this treaty."

"No. Now that Atlantians are gone and you don't have the document, you have no standing. Since my species also vouched for the Atlantians, we will also suffer for this."

"Surely we can renegotiate with them?"

"Sure. But who is going to co-sign? My people won't. Not after they hear about this. We were the only species that found them worthy of a shot. And your people have gone backwards in technology advancement. It is not a good look from an intergalactic perspective."

"But like you said, you will suffer for this too. Might as well help us get up to speed.”

"You are thousands of years behind from where the Atlantians were. You only have a hundred years left to bring them something. I was expecting to see a final product and more prosperous land. Instead all I see is pollution, ugly cities, and you still struggle to leave your own atmosphere."

"We will make something. Even if we have to dedicate all our resources. Just give us a chance," Yi said. The rest of the ambassadors nodded in agreement.

Grogdor looked into each one of their eyes. He could feel their collective will to succeed. Or maybe their desperation. 

"Fine. I won't tell my people about this, but you better have something. Darfrens don't take kindly to being cheated."

"We promise. On behalf of all humans on Earth, we won't let you down."

"Good."

Grogdor tapped the inside of his wrist and disappeared in an instant. In the time it took him to blink he was back on his spaceship, surrounded by his crew.

"How did it go?" Everelli said. 

Grogdor looked back at her without saying anything. The silence of the ship stayed just long enough for Grogdor to break a smile. She smiled back. The rest of the crew roared with laughter.

"They bought it. So gullible those humans," Grogdor said.

"Even the Darfrens bit?" 

"Didn't question it once. I can't believe they think there is a species of smart raccoons."

"What did you get them to do?"

"I don't even remember.”

Everyone let out another roar of laughter and their ship sped off into the vast cosmos like a comet in the sky to mess with another unsuspecting civilization.

Mechanic Jackson

“Come on up!” a voice said from the intercom.

The intercom buzzed and the solid metal door opened to a generic looking elevator like he had seen numerous times before. Jackson took one last look behind him. His black pickup truck stood alone, surrounded by rolling hills of sand and covered by the shadow of the imposing ship he was about to enter. Jackson entered the elevator with his toolbox in hand, ready to take on the challenge set for him.

Inside the elevator, the button panel was dangling by a bundle of wires and sparks flew out of the opening. Jackson put his toolbox down and pulled out a flashlight. He shined the light inside the dark recess to see a spider web of cables going in different directions. Moving some of the cables aside, he found the source of the sparking. A red wire was dangling above a metal prong, causing it to spark every time it swung into it. Jackson rummaged through his toolbox and found a needle-nose pliers. He reached in blindly with the pliers and reattached the red wire to the metal prong, causing more sparks and zaps. Smoke pumped from the panel opening and Jackson retracted his arm.

He waved the thick black smoke out of his face and lifted up the panel. The buttons were all lit up and he tried to put it back in place. Once he got it lined up close, the panel was ripped from his hands and stuck to the opening like it was a magnet. Jackson reviewed the buttons and they were not in any language he had ever seen. He pressed one that looked like an upside down lowercase H. The elevator lurched up and down for a second like it was stuck and made a low whining sound. Jackson was about to press the button again before the elevator shot up. He tried to brace himself and was forced into a squat from the upward force. It stopped just as fast, shooting Jackson into the air, hitting his back against the ceiling before falling back down. His tools crashed next to him, scattered all over the floor. Jackson laid on his stomach, holding his lower back while he groaned. He watched the doors open from the ground, while his client stood at the entrance to greet him.

“Hey you fixed the elevator! You really are a full service mechanic,” the green humanoid said.

Jackson pushed himself up to his knees and wiped off his grey jumpsuit.

“Are you Mr. Gorsen?”

“I sure am. It’s a pleasure to meet you,” Mr. Gorsen said, kneeling down and extending his blotchy green and black hand.

Jackson shook his slippery hand and began picking up his assorted tools. Mr. Gorsen went over to the corner to help him.

“So what is all this?” Mr. Gorsen asked, inspecting a phillips head screwdriver with a yellow and black handle.

“Some of my tools. I didn’t know what I needed for a job like this. I usually work on vehicles.”

Mr. Gorsen put another tool in the toolbox. “This is a vehicle.”

“Earth vehicles I mean.”

“I can’t imagine it is too different. This vehicle has a hyperdrive unit, three command consoles, and two main engine thrusters.”

Jackson shook his head. “Did you see what I drove here with?”

“No. My scanners have been fried for ages and my windows are dirty.”

“I drove a truck.”

“I don’t know what that is. Is it fast?”

“Not compared to this I imagine.”

“No wonder you took so long. I was wondering if I contacted someone on a different planet.”

“You landed in the middle of the desert, fifty miles from any town. Hard to get here fast without flying.”

“You’re truck can’t fly?”

“...No…”

“Sounds like you need to fix your stuff first. I can wait.”

“Let’s take a look at what you need fixed first.”

Mr. Gorsen escorted Jackson down a narrow, rounded corridor. The white walls were smooth like glass, while the floor was a textured grey. They went up to a white door with an orange outline along the edge that opened once they got close. The room contained only one item: the hyperdrive. It looked like a twelve foot long and five foot tall car engine. It had a row on each side with twelve pipes coming from it that ran to the ceiling. Jackson could see his reflection in the silver body. In the middle, the hyperdrive had three circular pistons on top about the diameter of his toolbox. Jackson ran his hand along the cool steel, amazed by it’s design and the roar of the wind going through the pipes.

“Who made this?” Jackson asked, still admiring the pristine metal.

“I’m not sure. It came with it. You act like this is the first time you have seen a hyperdrive.”

“This is the first time I have seen a hyperdrive.”

“Your vehicles can’t fly and don’t have a hyperdrive. What’s next? You’re gonna say your people still drink water?”

Jackson did not respond.

“Wow. Just wow.” Mr. Gorsen shook his head. “Whatever, can you fix it?”

“I’m not sure. What’s wrong with it?”

“The middle piston won’t go back down. The other two do, just not the middle one.”

Jackson plucked a large wrench from his toolbox and climbed on top of the hyperdrive. The middle piston was stuck in place and made a light grinding sound that he only heard when he put his head next to it. Jackson banged the top of the piston with the end of his wrench and it came alive, moving in sync with the other two pistons. The hyperdrive beeped three times and continued humming along like normal.

“You did it. How do I acquire one of those magical hammers?” Mr. Gorsen said, pointing to the wrench in Jackson’s hand.

Jackson jumped off the hyperdrive. “You can have it. I can always buy another one.”

Jackson threw him the wrench and Mr. Gorsen caught it with two hands. He stared upon it like it was a sacred treasure. The cold metal turned his skin to a darker green shade.

“Thank you. Now let’s get you paid.”

Jackson followed Mr. Gorsen back down the hallway and down the newly fixed elevator. The door opened to whirling sand blocking their view of the Jackson’s truck.

“Just over here,” Mr. Gorsen pointed to his left.

They walked out in the sand along the ship to a retracting door that resembled security doors at shopping mall stores. Mr. Gorsen clicked a button on the side of the ship and the doors retracted up, revealing a crate of gold bars stacked taller than Jackson. Jackson picked up one of the hefty bars with both hands. Smooth to the touch, except for the few sand particles that slipped in-between his hands.

“Is this enough? I don’t know how much $3000 is.”

Jackson smiled still looking at the mountain of riches. “Oh this is enough.”